First post, introduction

[DaffodilDuck]

Hello, thank you for having me.

I'm not really hurting right now, I've actually been through about two years of therapy, been out of contact from my parents for awhile, my spouse and I currently live in another country from either of our families.

I am not even sure if my parents have diagnosable PDs. When I have read other posts, I seldom relate to their experiences but I deeply relate to the feelings our people have cultivated in us. I feel like my life has been mild in comparison to the harsh abuse others have endured.

But I come here now because I was almost in the "deja vu" stage of resisting the abuse while holding the relationship. I had been away from my mom for several years and heard she had bad liver failure. At that point I had been I therapy was about to move out of the country. I reached out to try to give her some comfort and it was pretty calm. I explained a bit of my feelings but kept most of our conversations light and focused on the happy times of my childhood.

Two months ago my kind uncle reached out that my mom would like to hear from me. I did indeed intend to send her a message but took my sweet time. Instead, she reached out first. It was only a short message but it was unchanged from her previous mindset. She didn't ask how I was or share a small bit of her own news. Instead she advised me to put past feelings aside because if no one did that then the whole world would be heartbroken, routine projection.

It was innocuous but soured my whole anticipation of writing to her. I had separated, done some healing, done a LOT of maturing (away from her, go figure), and had a nice little picture of being pen pals in my imagination.  But she came on too strong, our relationship is still going to be *about* our relationship unless and until is takes the shape she needs and I behave like the unconditionally loving seven year old boy she sees me as.

Anyways, I'm just sitting with a lump of disappointment in my body. We won't ever truly be friends. We won't ever move on because she won't ever accept the work I've done or that she has caused issues in our relationship despite loving me amd doing her best. Yes, I know she loves me, which is the ironic problem. She loves me for what she needs me to be not for who I am.

Thank you again for reading. I know I am not nearly as hard pressed as many people here. Yet I still have a life fraught with my own mother's transferred sadness, not to mention my father's alcoholism. I will post more details and thoughts in separate posts as I continue to reconcile my new life.

Have a happy day

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @DaffodilDuck,

I think I was a teen before I started realizing that my relationship with my mother and stepfather were not like what other kids had, and that something about them was off/not right, but it took a lot of years of therapy and NC to put names to what was basically different ways of presenting with mental illness.  we deserved better as kids and it's hard to come to terms with that for the people who don't understand the relationship dynamic in families where a parent/ caregiver may have a PD.

so many of us are here mourning the parents we needed vs the parents we go, as well as mourning the loss of them ever being 'better' or changing.  I am proud of you for taking the steps you've already taken to heal yourself and to move forward in your own life. it sounds like you have a realistic idea of what the relationship with your mother will be like should you decide to continue to be in low contact.  having an addict for a parent is equally hard- something I am working on now is quiet quitting my own father who I had put on a pedestal for a long long time- at 53 i've seen more of the world and have a better understanding of how his own addictions contributed to what happened to me because of my mother. 

also, abuse is abuse.  we don't rank or compare.  trauma doesn't judge. it was BAD for all of us in what we experienced.  what happened to you may not be what happened to me or someone else but all our experiences are valid and deserve to be validated/ supported.

when you are ready to share more, we're listening.

[bloomie]

DaffodilDuck- Hi and welcome to the community! Thank you for trusting us and sharing the painful realities you are facing in your relationship with your mother.

It sure can take a few trips through the reality of who are loved ones are (the "deja vu" stage) to extinguish that bit of hope that lives within us that our growth and hard internal work to recover and heal will allow some kind of pleasant change to the relationship. What I have found to be most realistic is that hard work and effort to recover and heal brings about the most benefit and change to ourselves. And that is a good thing. Bravo to you for all you have done to overcome. 

My heart goes out to you as you face the loss of a dream that you and your mother could have kind, reasonably reciprocal communication. I'm sorry for how that has to sting.

The cumulative damage that all having a parent(s)? who is/are not healthy enough to provide safety, love, and emotional connection, interest in our lives and equipping us for life cannot be quantified or compared. One of our founding members put it this way: 'when someone treats you well 90% of the time and terribly 10% of the time you feel badly 100% of the time'.

The difference between overt and covert abuse can lead us to underestimate the difficulty of growing up and maturing in an atmosphere of risk that is not always evident to the Kind Uncles, family friends, teachers... those that surround us. But, make no mistake this takes a huge toll. 

This community is the first place I found that understood that. I hope, as you spend time here, you will be encouraged and supported and find your time here to be of great help. I look forward to supporting you.