Adult Child (18) dissing family

[Justme729]

I don't know that the kid has a PD disorder persay, but I suppose the post best belongs her as we navigate parenthood.  The kid turned 18 in June.  Since graduation she has just completely dissed us, yet expecting everything from us.  She was dx with ocd, major depression, avoidant restrictive food intake, and a host of other things.  She also has a health condition and had to stop her sports. Her world was rocked.

She blames me for her health condition.  I clearly did something to cause it as it is congenital.  It hurts to no end.  She blames me for her food limitations.  We exposed her to all sorts of foods.  We followed the best advice at the time. Nobody knew what avoidant restrictive food intake disorder was at that time.  When we did know what it was she was around 12, she didn't want treatment. Nobody knew there was treatment. Her doctor wasn't worried about weight or variety.  She started to increase variety on her own. We didn't realize how badly the "old school doctor" and well meaning family's advice hurt her. *old school doctor got fired.  She now says we should have forced treatment on her (there was none). She now says, we should have done abc or xyz. I could go on.  She hates our house because it triggers her OCD.  She hates me because I represent the food and health traumas. So much of her beliefs are triggered by the OCD inner voice (ie: that she has to be perfect, we've told her and showed her time and time again her best is enough).

Since she graduated high school, and especially since turning 18 she wants nothing to do with us. Well, unless it comes to money.  She said bluntly we owe her for her having the health condition and the trauma we put her through with food.  It is the OCD talking that triggers those beliefs. 

She has been dating her childhood sweetheart for the last 3 years (the broke up for a bit then got back together).  Even that she blames us. Anywho; his family can provide so much more than we can.  So many vacations, experiences, and so forth. The bf's dad and gf (let's just say step mom, they aren't and won't marry, but serious) are essentially empty nesters.  His mom (who passed) came from great wealth.  The gf comes from great wealth. I am thankful they include my daughter and she will have amazing ILs one day.  She has rejected us.  Went on a beach trip with us for her birthday.  We tried to do a family thing and the "step mom" planned dinner for them when we already had plans. I have not a single picture of us celebrating her 18th.  Her graduation was all planned with them and refused to include me/dad.  She's ignored her sisters all summer.  She's yelled at us.  Treated us like shit. We can't tell her anything because she goes off the deep end.  She won't include us in her ocd sessions even though she is supposed to do so.  It is a family treatment plus solo.  She expects us to pay for all of her expenses, we owe her since everything.

I can't.  She goes off to college this week.  She has zero intention of being here and spending anytime with us/her sisters.  Her sisters are MUCH younger than her and very attached to her.  She doesn't want to do a dinner with our family before we leave from dropping her off. BFs family is hosting a going away party for them both.  We've had no communication. I am trying so hard to let it go. I am trying not to let my history with trauma from an abusive, neglectful mother impact stuff.  But....I'm not Ok.  I don't know how to be OK.  A good friend posted her daughter's 18th birthday pictures and festivities. I got nothing.  Not a damn thing.  I couldn't even plan her grad party. Now she's doing a send off thing and we are excluded.  She made it a big point to tell us it's for just her bf, but it isn't.  She also invited her bff to come with to college drop off so she can hang with her.  Again, no care about us. But we have to foot the bill.  We told her no to the friend, she told her friend to message us, WHILe sitting in front of us!!!  She just shrugged and said it isn't a big deal and it's her college, it isn't about us.  It is when we are footing the bill!

Either I need a reality check or I need strategies to deal with this kid.  I love her so much.  I know we haven't been perfect, but damn it. She was never abused or neglected. She's gotten so many opportunities that we didn't have as kids (hubby and I).  We both were on our own at 18. With the clothes on our back.  Sink or swim.  I'm crying and stressed all the time. Walking on eggshells.  Right now I can't wait to drop her off at college so I can stop feeling so triggered.

One thing hubby and I want to do is transfer the car loan to her name only and she can pick up her own insurance.  She refuses to work more than occasional babysitting or 2-3 week nanny gigs. But again, she thinks she's owed that car.  She doesn't need the car.  We need her to start accepting adult responsibilities, but at the same time set some boundaries when she's word vomiting insults at us left and right.

[Rebel13]

Hi Justme,

I'm not a parent, but recently square has posted some advice in another thread, that seemed excellent to me:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=95682.msg811068#msg811068
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=95682.msg811001#msg811001

I really hope her thoughts are a bit helpful to you.

I also think your idea of giving your daughter responsibility for her car and insurance is a fine one. Then she can decide if she'd rather pick up more work to afford it, or if she doesn't need it enough to make more work worth it. Either one is really fine! Those are life decisions that she needs to start getting used to making and living with.

Otherwise I wish you the best with this difficult situation!

[bloomie]

Justme729 - I can hear the pain and disappointment in your words and I am so sorry you all are going through such a painful time with your daughter.

It seems like your side of the street right now is learning how to be steadfast, calm and clear no matter what your elder daughter chooses in terms of her celebrations and social life, therapy, etc., right now.

Sometimes that means we go cry it out in the shower when seemingly discarded and side lined in our almost grown up children's lives. It hurts no matter how our children separate and individuate, but this is unnecessarily cruel at times. 

I have personally seen anxiety and fear about big changes and shifts in a young person who has faced a lot of serious health stuff or trauma at a young age take what appears to be a powerful position and there can be a lot of acting out and outrageous entitlement like you describe, but what is driving it could be fear and anxiety.

Some things that I learned at this point in my own now adult childrens' lives was not to project any moment and time of change and rough waters into the future. I also learned to manage my own emotional reactivity and needs. I continue to manage my expectations of them throughout their adult stages and life changes because they go on to love others and prioritize others over us - as it should be - and not all the time, but that is a balance for all of us.

The truth is your daughter doesn't owe you pictures of her 18th birthday celebration to post on SM. She has the human right to make decisions for her own life... just as you do. And she has to live with her decisions if regrets come at a later time in her life over some of this.

Deciding with your H what you are willing and able to do to support her needs financially while she is in college and communicating that is what helps her mature and plan for her own life and can help protect you from undue resentment.

You also do not have to accept heaps of blame upon yourself or allow yourself to be verbally disrespected by your daughter.

The challenge, it seems, is to begin to respond to her as an adult even when she is not acting like one. Limits and boundaries around what you are going to/not going to do and what does and does not work for you are key to providing the guardrails that will give you all the best possible shot at coming out the other end of this rocky time with your connection strong.

I would also challenge gently that there is a lot of money talk and 'it is when we are footing the bill' talk in your post and I have to think there is a lot of that in your back and forth with your daughter.

From where I am sitting paying for college gives you the right to expect that the privilege and appreciation of your doing that will be shown by your daughter applying herself, attending classes, meeting goals established by herself and guidance counseling, and conducting herself within the college community respectfully. That's about it.

It would be really lovely if your daughter was sensitive to something like drop off day being a hard time for you and last time to be together as a family for awhile. But, she doesn't owe you that because you are paying for her college or the trip to drop her off. Those are your choices and holding that over her head is possibly triggering a huge push back that is helping no one. 

Taking things one day at a time and looking for the good in each day, even a glimmer of connection and healthy interactions, is what it comes down to sometimes as our children position themselves to launch. Preparing our hearts to find the way forward to respecting their autonomy (even when it stings) while they are still dependent upon us in many ways is tricky.

Stay strong and get the help and support you may need to weather this time. You've raised a strong, vibrant daughter. You have every reason to be proud of all that you all have navigated and overcome together through the years! Hugs to you!