Warning - Mentions SA

[Beachlife]

Beachlife, your story feels so familiar. I have been frustrated in the same way. I just couldn't understand why my spouse seems to think our relationship is basically good enough to continue in the same way that it has. Part of me wants to urge you to be more direct and open with your spouse about your feelings, like in the NY trip situation. (I might or might not have finally exploded and yelled something like "how could you possibly think I want you to come along! I can't stand being with you!)

I've lost the ability to be open and direct with him. As a therapist said to me, he's diminished my voice in the relationship. He's made me too scared to stand up for myself. I've been yelled at, raged at, told to F off, talked over and blamed too many times. My friend has told me twice she doesn't like the way he speaks to me.

Sadly, I've learnt not to say how I feel or call him out on his behaviour.

[Beachlife]

I so much as raise my voice at him and he says 'don't yell at me!' Yet I'm expected to put up with his abuse over and over again.

[Rebel13]

Yet I'm expected to put up with his abuse over and over again.

The only person who expects that is him. Unless you also expect yourself to behave like that. If so, when you stop expecting that of yourself and try something different, things will change.

[Beachlife]

I am sick and we need groceries so he is heading to the shops at lunchtime so he can get something from the bakery for lunch as well. I asked him if he could buy me a coffee while he is there.
His response?
'No, I'm not buying you a coffee! I don't know how to order coffee! I will just go there after lunch'.

Even my 13 year old knows how to order a coffee for me!

If I ever needed an example of how little he actually cares for me, this is it!

Why the hell do I still care about hurting his feelings???

[Beachlife]

I have barely spoken to my husband since yesterday's incident with the refusal to buy me a coffee. I didn't even say goodnight to him last night (petty I know, but he's done that to me in many occasions). This morning he said he needs to sleep in our bed again because his back is getting sore from his bed.
No apology about the coffee or the way he spoke to me, no acknowledgment of my feelings about it and absolutely no acknowledgment of why I don't want to sleep in the same bed as him.

This is what he does! He fails to acknowledge or accept responsibility for his actions and how they have damaged me and just carries on being his usual self until he thinks I am over it.  It's frustrating and demoralising. He doesn't care that he's hurt me, he has proved that time and time again.

[MaxedOut]

I've lost the ability to be open and direct with him. As a therapist said to me, he's diminished my voice in the relationship. He's made me too scared to stand up for myself. I've been yelled at, raged at, told to F off, talked over and blamed too many times. My friend has told me twice she doesn't like the way he speaks to me.

Sadly, I've learnt not to say how I feel or call him out on his behaviour.

  I have to check myself at times, when the part of me that thinks about relationships in normal ways starts to question whether I have said what's going on with me, been clear, shared when I am bothered/andyr, repeated, etc.

Those are great goals with someone who is emotionally safe, reciprocal, etc. With PD partners it is more typically futile, likely to start DARVOing, may escalate regardless of how much care we put into communicating, etc. Sure, he's not a mind reader capable of knowing details of your experience. And he's chosen not to find out-chosen to ignore the situation for years rather than discuss/try/etc.

It is tough to accept they are not going to accept responsibility or offer care like we have or just "get it" - but it has been helpful to me to no longer try and puzzle together such things. I have spent, heck, probably years of cumulative time, at this point thinking about why my partner does x, y, and z and doesn't do/see a, b, and c and what the magic formula for communication, or bringing something up, or using the right relatable examples, etc. The reality is, that once a parent has tried, and tried, it isn't a communication or understanding disconnect.

That person is either unable or unwilling. The first clearly isn't working for us and is sometimes dangerous with PD traits (and means there never will really an emotionally mature connection, ever). The cognitive distortions of PDs can be massive and are deeply trod patterns from long before we met them. The second means that person is content to have an unhappy partner and even be abusive-they are unbothered by it.

[notrightinthehead]

 
I agree with your statement MaxedOut. The next question is - what is it about us, that makes us accept the unacceptable and allows us to stay in an impossible situation?

[SeaBreeze]

This morning he said he needs to sleep in our bed again because his back is getting sore from his bed.

I'd be concerned he's trying to get back into the bed with you to, well, get back into bed with you. Just some thoughts: He can get a new bed for his room. Or, you can move into the other room and let him have your bed. Given the SA, I would be very wary of sharing a marital bed with him.

My ex-uNPDh and I had separate rooms those final few years. We still had, ahem, "date nights" but on my terms. He expressed discontent over being intimate on my schedule, disregarding the fact we had been intimate on his schedule and at his demand for several years prior.

*TRIGGER WARNING* I won't go into detail, but the "scary incident" I've alluded to in other posts, that hastened my departure a month before my planned exit date last year, involved ex's unannounced entry into my room one night drunk and naked. (And after several days of silent treatment at that!) One of only a few times I physically feared for my safety in that marriage. I will just say, I was not sure if I should call the police or a priest, but that night I believed demons are real. Thankfully, he reined it in and did not violate my boundaries of "NO" and "Get out", and finally left the room without assaulting me. (But then went to the living room instead of his room, between me and the only way out of the house. He KNEW...) I locked my door, charged my taser, packed a bag, and slept in my clothes with my phone the next few nights until I could finally, safely leave. *END TRIGGER WARNING*

Please keep yourself safe. You deserve a safe space in your own home. Please do not let your abusive spouse take that from you.