Triggered from hearing about PD mother

[DanAnni]

Every time I hear about my PD mother my heart skips a beat. Even if what they tell me is positive or neutral, just hearing about her makes me feel unsafe and on edge and i stay disregulated for a couple of days. I've told people to not talk to me about her but in some instances she just comes up in the conversation.

The thing is I feel quite guilty and ashamed because I feel that i should have moved on from that phase. I hate that it still affects me so much. I went NC, to therapy and i'm treating my CPTSD. I know i'm doing all i can and that it will take the time that it needs but I can't shake the guilt for not being able to move on faster.

Has anyone else gone through this? Is there an end to this triggering? Has anything helped?

[SaltwareS]

"The thing is I feel quite guilty and ashamed because I feel that i should have moved on from that phase. I hate that it still affects me so much."

I go through this!

It takes as long as it takes. Unfortunately not everyone is going to understand, and that's probably what gives us guilt. Though if you keep asking, they may start to come around and mention your PD mother less.

I highly suspect you're doing better than you realize, DanAnni!

[bloomie]

Every time I hear about my PD mother my heart skips a beat.

This sounds like fear or anxiety, DanAnni. If that is the underlying trigger would it help to recognize areas of your life that you believe your mother could threaten? 

[mary_poppins]

Hey!

I'm so glad you are no contact with your mother. The triggers are normal. Only my mother's name can trigger me sometimes. I can't stand it. I'm so triggered that I plan on changing myfamily name altogether. You are doing all you can to move on from the abuse. I think it's more than enough. also, you have a lifetime of suffering to unpack in cptsd therapy. Have patience with yourself.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi DanAnni. I've lived away from my parents for almost 20 years now, NC for 7 years, and this still happens to me on occasion. Even references to my parents by people who don't even know them can cause that instant anxiety and yes, shame about it. ("Who's watching your kids? Your parents?" Over my dead body they are, but you obviously haven't a clue about any of that.)

In my opinion, the shame doesn't belong to me but it's a leftover response that makes sense to me, when I consider that my entire life was supposed to make my parents look good and feel good about themselves. I've gone against the Prime Directive in a big way. Thrown away the script. Pick your metaphor for living in the disordered family system. You've also bravely taken big steps and big boundaries, but those expectations and feelings run deep. The dominant emotion in that system? Shame. It's weaponized and used to control, and everyone is desperate to avoid it.

I've tried to flip that feeling of shame. It's telling me that I did the right thing to get away from the source of it. It's telling me it really was that bad. If I'd had safe enough parents, I would not be having this overwhelming response right now. Shame was heaped on small Cordelia and adult Cordelia, who was still treated as small Cordelia. There's still some left in the cracks. When I feel that, it's coming up to the surface and then floating away. There's probably some more, but it does get less intense with time and distance.

You don't mention how long you have been NC or how overlapping your mutual acquaintance is. For me, I made a complete break. They know nobody currently in my life. It's helped, a lot. But hasn't fixed my CPTSD. If I have to go anywhere near my "hometown" I break out in hives, not exaggerating. I'm allergic to the place. So if you are hearing about them frequently, your response isn't surprising and you may need more help to learn to tolerate it. Or different friends. But reframing my responses from the shaming, "Ugh, I should be past this," to the self-compassionate, "Wow, it really was that bad," has been so so helpful and could apply in any situation. Best wishes to you.