Struggling to Reconcile the Truth About My Relationship with My Sister

[Sageness]

Hello everyone,

I'm reaching out today because I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the reality of my relationship with my sister. For a long time, I believed that she was one of my closest allies, someone who was on my side, especially given the difficulties we both faced growing up in a toxic family environment. However, a recent incident has forced me to confront the truth, and it's been incredibly painful.

The incident in question happened recently when my sister reacted very negatively to a birthday gift I gave her son. It wasn't an expensive present, but I chose it thoughtfully, knowing it was something he would enjoy. Instead of appreciating the gesture, my sister took it as an insult, calling the gift cheap and accusing me of being passive-aggressive.

What hurt even more was when she purposefully ignored my own son's birthday shortly afterward. When I confronted her about this, she openly admitted that she did it to get back at me for the gift I gave her son. This really cut deep, not just because she chose to retaliate, but because she involved my child in her revenge, hurting him in the process. After that, she decided to cut off all contact with me, blocking me on everything. It feels like her revenge was complete, and she had no further use for me.

This sudden and harsh reaction has made me realize that my sister may have always harbored negative feelings toward me, feelings that I either didn't see or chose to overlook. I thought we had a close bond, but now I'm questioning everything. I'm struggling to reconcile the sister I thought I knew with the person she's shown herself to be. It's incredibly painful to accept that someone I believed was my ally might actually be just as toxic as the rest of the family. This realization has left me feeling lost and unsure of how to move forward.

I would appreciate any advice or insights from those who have been through similar experiences. How did you come to terms with the truth about your relationships, and how did you begin to heal?

Thank you for reading, and for any support you can offer.

[bloomie]

Sageness - the heartbreak and hurt you and your dear son are experiencing is so sad. This seems to have come out of nowhere and that alone, is almost crippling if we let it be.

The swirl of confusion and second guessing ourselves alongside the outrage and disappointment that a sibling we trusted would hurt not only us, but our innocent kiddos, is a lot to hold up under.

Having grown up in a family system that was disordered on a good day, and toxic on the very bad days and having siblings, I can truly relate and feel the pain with you of this kind of revelation.

I am several years down the road from coming face to face with just how much and how deep the lack of safety in our home growing up created alliances and divisions. These were often hidden and surfacing only when I began to question things and kindly confront.

For me, the realization of how two siblings felt about me, how they actually saw me and my value to them, came when I received an email between the two of them accidentally. What was/is going on under the surface is not at all what is going on at the superficial level of the relationship. And my word it hurts.

If this is at all helpful... and I trust it may be... I believed for a very long time I couldn't survive without my siblings, especially a sister who was what seemed to be a loving ally.  She was not and is not.

I had to learn to let go and begin to build a support system that was trustworthy with reasonably healthy people. Truthful people. People who were far enough along in their own journey to be able to not just be in the same room with me, but to be in my corner.

Sometimes it is simply proximity that gives the illusion of deep and connected relationships with siblings. And we ignore red flags and the hints that are there. So much goes unexamined until something like what you have experienced shocks us into taking a closer look.

Finding my way to MY truth, which is now borne out of consistent choices and behaviors over time by siblings that, on reflection, are almost embarrassingly indicative of how I was viewed, has helped me accept the bitter pill that I served a purpose for my sibling who it turns out, was stringing me along until I no longer served a purpose.

I don't know what the future holds for you and your sister, but what I do know is you are seeking healing and support and you will find direction forward that eventually leads you to a settled place. Sending hugs your way!

[notrightinthehead]

Sageness, welcome!
You wrote that your sister now has gone No Contact with you and blocked you from every channel of communication. And before that ghosted your son  his birthday. All that because she considered the gift you got for her son as too cheap. If that behaviour came from a friend, not your sister, what would you think of this friend?
When we come from toxic family systems we tend to tolerate weird behaviours, even consider them normal. My guess is, when your sister has calmed down enough, she will resume contact and behave as if all was normal.
The best we can do when we come Out of the FOG, is to work on our own healing and become the best person we can be. We look on our side of the road and focus on our own behaviour. This does not change the hurt and heartbreak that can be inflicted on us by loved ones, but we can stop the cycle in our own families of choice.

[Sageness]

Dear Bloomie,Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. It really helps to hear from someone who has been through something so similar. Knowing that others have walked this path and come out the other side brings me a lot of comfort. I'm old enough to know that one day this hurt will pass—it's just early days yet for me. Right now, I'm trying to get past the point where the pain isn't so raw, but for now, I feel a bit confused and deeply hurt.I've spent much of my life surrounded by toxic people, and for the first time, there's not a single toxic person in my life. Even though I'm mostly in solitude now, aside from some acquaintances and work colleagues, I finally feel a sense of peace. I'm using this time to work towards a life that aligns more with my vision—one that isn't controlled or derailed by abusive or toxic individuals. I'm determined to get to that point, and your message has given me the reassurance that it's possible.Thank you again for sharing your story and offering your support. It means a lot to me.Sending hugs back your way!Best,
Sageness

Sageness - the heartbreak and hurt you and your dear son are experiencing is so sad. This seems to have come out of nowhere and that alone, is almost crippling if we let it be.

The swirl of confusion and second guessing ourselves alongside the outrage and disappointment that a sibling we trusted would hurt not only us, but our innocent kiddos, is a lot to hold up under.

Having grown up in a family system that was disordered on a good day, and toxic on the very bad days and having siblings, I can truly relate and feel the pain with you of this kind of revelation.

I am several years down the road from coming face to face with just how much and how deep the lack of safety in our home growing up created alliances and divisions. These were often hidden and surfacing only when I began to question things and kindly confront.

For me, the realization of how two siblings felt about me, how they actually saw me and my value to them, came when I received an email between the two of them accidentally. What was/is going on under the surface is not at all what is going on at the superficial level of the relationship. And my word it hurts.

If this is at all helpful... and I trust it may be... I believed for a very long time I couldn't survive without my siblings, especially a sister who was what seemed to be a loving ally.  She was not and is not.

I had to learn to let go and begin to build a support system that was trustworthy with reasonably healthy people. Truthful people. People who were far enough along in their own journey to be able to not just be in the same room with me, but to be in my corner.

Sometimes it is simply proximity that gives the illusion of deep and connected relationships with siblings. And we ignore red flags and the hints that are there. So much goes unexamined until something like what you have experienced shocks us into taking a closer look.

Finding my way to MY truth, which is now borne out of consistent choices and behaviors over time by siblings that, on reflection, are almost embarrassingly indicative of how I was viewed, has helped me accept the bitter pill that I served a purpose for my sibling who it turns out, was stringing me along until I no longer served a purpose.

I don't know what the future holds for you and your sister, but what I do know is you are seeking healing and support and you will find direction forward that eventually leads you to a settled place. Sending hugs your way!

[Sageness]

Dear Notrightinthehead,

Thank you for the warm welcome and for your thoughtful response. You're absolutely right—if this behavior came from a friend and not my sister, I would have seen it as a major red flag. Coming from a toxic family system, I've definitely normalized some strange behaviors over the years, so it's helpful to hear that perspective.

I have a feeling that you might be right about her eventually trying to resume contact as if nothing happened. I'm going to take this time to focus on my own healing and work towards becoming the best version of myself, as you suggested. It's reassuring to know that I can break the cycle in my own life, and I'm determined to make choices that reflect the kind of person I want to be, even if it means maintaining boundaries with those who don't treat me with the respect and kindness I deserve.
Thank you again for your insight. It really helps to hear from someone who understands these dynamics.
Best wishes,
Sageness

Sageness, welcome!
You wrote that your sister now has gone No Contact with you and blocked you from every channel of communication. And before that ghosted your son  his birthday. All that because she considered the gift you got for her son as too cheap. If that behaviour came from a friend, not your sister, what would you think of this friend?
When we come from toxic family systems we tend to tolerate weird behaviours, even consider them normal. My guess is, when your sister has calmed down enough, she will resume contact and behave as if all was normal.
The best we can do when we come Out of the FOG, is to work on our own healing and become the best person we can be. We look on our side of the road and focus on our own behaviour. This does not change the hurt and heartbreak that can be inflicted on us by loved ones, but we can stop the cycle in our own families of choice.

[Rebel13]

My guess is, when your sister has calmed down enough, she will resume contact and behave as if all was normal.

Did you mean, "when your sister needs you for something, she will resume contact" ?  LOL.

Sageness, I'm sorry this happened. I have one brother, and before last summer, I hadn't seen him in 20 years, having only minimal contact via email during that time.

My visit last summer reactivated contact with him, via text, for a while. I don't really understand what goes on with him -- it's possible he has "fleas," or he could have a PD or be married to someone with a PD. I'm just not really sure.

What I did decide to try, as much as possible, once we resumed what has been low to very low contact, is to try to take every interaction as its own thing. It's been so, so easy for me to read into things with family members -- "oh! he texted me! that must mean he cares!" or, similar interpretations and fantasizing about communications.

So, if my brother texts me, I try to take whatever is in the text at face value and respond at a similar level of investment. If it's just a hello, then I write back "Hello, hope you are doing well." (Does not require a response, so I am not disappointed if there isn't one.)

I don't know if this is helpful to you, but to me, your sister's action would be very hurtful and a red flag, and I would think carefully about how I handled any future contact, should she get back in touch at some point. In the meantime, I hope you find lots of ways to comfort yourself and that your son had a lovely birthday despite his aunt's neglecting to acknowledge it.

[Phantom Muse]

Sageness, I am sorry you have had this experience.  I know it hurts you, and it hurts your son.

My sister was my daughter's godmother and was involved in our lives ... until she wasn't. She discarded me for no reason and did the same to my then-teenage daughter at the same time.  A few years later she called asking for help, and I made the mistake to agree to help her.  I should have simply affirmed that I understood she needed someone to assist her with a task and that I hoped she was able to hire someone easily so she could take this worry off her plate.  I knew in my heart that I would get burned again (as that is a pattern).

Instead, I did the gig ... all 25 hours of it.  This task involved her journey toward new employment.  She got the job, and then proceeded to not tell me.  I found out from a brother that she had started the job and was making twice what she had made at her other gig.  In fact, he also told me she was told that her application materials were so well done, the company just knew she'd be a great addition to the team. Gulp. That was my work.

That was 5 years ago, and I have heard from her only a few times since.

Be that as it may, I am glad she got the job...but I will not ever do anything like that for her again. I don't do things with an expectation for reciprocity other than polite and considerate appreciation, and I wasn't even given that. So..my responsibility is to hold better boundaries so I don't give more than I should ... and get hurt in the process. My daughter has better boundaries than I do usually, and she does not engage with her (which is moot anyway because my sister pays no attention to her).

In the end, your son now knows what is aunt is capable of doing—and that he can be rejected for his generosity (which is what your gift represented). I wish I had not pushed my daughter years ago to go that extra mile for her aunt after knowing in my heart she would not reciprocate.  It would have saved my daughter some heartbreak herself. 

I like the word "cordial" a lot.  IF my sister calls me sometime down the line, I will be cordial. Anything beyond that is not a healthy choice for me. Maybe coming up with your approach if/when your sister calls can help you feel stronger and less hurt.  I like the ideas offered by the other posters on this thread.  As I get older, thinking ahead really helps keep me more centered and at peace, so I channel my cordial self.   

[LemonLime]

I like the word "cordial" a lot.  IF my sister calls me sometime down the line, I will be cordial. Anything beyond that is not a healthy choice for me.

Phantom, I love the word "cordial" as well.  My best friend came up with that word about a year ago, as I had kept her up to date on what was going on with my PD sib.  My friend said "LemonLime, I think that the relationship you can have now with your sib can be characterized by the word 'cordial'".
And yep, that's what it's been.
It's very very strange to think that the person that I once considered my very close friend and sibling is now someone I am "cordial" with.
I'm not used to going "backwards" in relationships with people and I don't like it.
I've never been one who was good at being friends with boyfriends once we broke up.
It just seems sad and weird.
But it is what it is.  And it's the only thing that works for me.

I didn't cause it.  I can't control it.  I can't cure it.
She did this, not me.
Sageness, I wish you peace.

[mary_poppins]

Sageness,

I am so sorry about what happened re: your sister. Her behavior is weird and unhealthy. Trust me, someone who loves you and has your back does not behave this way.
But I feel your pain. You said you were close to your sister. I get it. I was close to my brother, we lived together for a year abroad. He slept in my bed (lived with me until he found a place to live), knew about my relationships, crushes, everything, did many things together..and yet, he ended up being unhealthy for me. I actually am still trying to make up my mind about him. He sides with our abusive mother and doesn't care what I have to say, gossips about me and doesn't know that his actions are horribly painful and hurtful.

All I can say is to grieve. There is not much else to do here. Grieve the sister you thought you had and the wishes you had to keep her in your life for ever. I wish me and my brother would grow old together and he'd follow me in no contact and separates from his toxic family. But it's just a wish. Reality is different.

These siblings did not do the inner work to deindividuate, to grow a back bone and think for themselves. And you can't force them to see their abuser for who they are. You can't force them to grow up and mature.
Your sister's passice agressive behavior is very immature. Someone who is doing their inner work doesn't react like that. You did something nice for her son and she flipped out. Couldn't appreciate a nice gesture. Or took the gesture as some offense against her.

It is hard to let go. But these people will not change. And we need them to change so we have a relationship with them. If they continue to be enmeshed they continue to do the PD parent's dirty work.

Wish you peace.

[EmmySue]

Thank you all for the "Sage" wisdome on this post.  So much resonates with me.  I too believed for a long time (let's say 60 years) I believed my sister was my ally and friend.  I have chased after a relationship with for decades with betrayal after betrayal.  Her getting angry with me over some slight or perceived slight and would ghost me for months.  Usually some event would cause us be together and things would start as they were before.  Things have been rapidly intensifying over the last few years.  I do not like her current husband and find his behavior adolescent.  My sister often jokes that he is really 12 years old, chronologicallly he is in his 60s.  Since her marriage to him she has become more like him, along with her already offensive personality issues.  Recently, she and husband inserted themselves in a legal proceeding between me and my son-in-law that I started to petition to be a conservator of my two grandson.  We lost my daughter, their mother, 4 years ago to breast cancer.  I started this petition because their father had a stroke.  Before his stroke my son-in-law and I were coparenting the boys.  Most of the day to day responsibilities fell on me.  Since the stroke I have had them 24/7 going on 11 months. My sister and her husband gave my son-in-law advice to not attend mediation, which was bad advice.  I believe he and I would have come to a reasonable agreement had he showed up.  Now we have to proceed with more intense court involvement which will be trying, difficult for the boys and more expensive for us all.  I do not think I can come back from this betrayal.  I have 3 other living siblings and I am anxious about how things with them will transpire going forward.  They seem to walk on eggshells around this sister in order to not ignite the nuclear device.  If all pull away from me because God only knows what she is saying to them this will be another loss for the boys.  Thanks for listening. L&L