Enablers! "Well [the N] needs praise, so you have to give in"

[SaltwareS]

Some Ns are just feral animals. And so I focus on the enablers surrounding them. One relative, at a group gathering recently turned to my npdParent in the catch-up time, and said "what have you been up to!? Still Changing the World?"

NpdParent replied "I'm still doing it [changing the world]! Overachiever, this one" while pointing at self with two thumbs.

I interjected to say "aren't we all changing the world, in how we conduct our day, what we choose to do with our time, how we choose to respond to events?"

My relative said "well, but that's [npdParent]'s *thing*, changing the world. So you have to give it to [npdParent]."

I guess I'm over-reacting. I've been wanting to bring this up with my relative, that it's important not to give in to npdParent on things that aren't accurate.

Years ago, it was a string of people who just gave into npdParent on a blizzard of small things, that led to disastrous consequences in my life. All because npdParent *really wanted* something. Well, the people who saw npdParent as just a regular person, reasoned at the time "if someone reasonable wants something that badly, there must be justification, so I'll give in."

It's hard for me to let go of small inaccuracies like that.

[Catothecat]

I don't think you're over-reacting, SaltwareS.  You've suffered the consequences of such enabling.  Even if the enabling is well-meaning, it still has its negative effect.  The relative doesn't see that part.  What they see is how they respond to the encounter.  They gave your parent what they thought was needed then pat themselves on the back and move on.  You're the one who suffers.

I think how you approach this will depend on the relative(s) who are doing the enabling.  How would they react if you were to tell them that those "small things" can add up to one big thing and that one big thing isn't good for you?  Would they even listen?  Are they able to hear your side of it?

While "letting it go" may be part of the answer, I suspect the solution has more components.  What are the possibilities of limiting contact with all of these people, parent included?  Because even if you find a way to let go, their behavior will likely continue.  Remember, you're the one paying the cost, not them. 
   

[NarcKiddo]