Broken

[RV]

Ended a 2.5 year relationship with likely narc utterly broken.
Don't know how to get through hour by hour at the moment
Am safe
But am entirely consumed and haunted by it.
So trauma bonded abd I cant see a way to break free .
All the warning signs were there he's left me multiple times and begged to come back, i was a shadow of myself
Had to break away but igs made me far worse .
I should be proud I have said no more BS
Everyone has been so worried about me and have seen how he's been
Build me up, beg to come back; full on attention promises thbe back to going AWOL not sticking to any plans being distant.
Round abd round we go. Telling me I'm his world he's lost without me, were great. Then discarding me agaib
It's all me I am crazy I am imagining it . Having to get my  friends to read all my comcommunication to check Ihaven't gone mad.
So disinterested in me then springs back telling me how special I am
Inability to tell me when he'll next see me
Testing me by mentioning other women dropoing rhen into conversation but telling me he's definoyekt not seeing them but talks about them a lot * these are not his friends theh are people in the community )
He goes AWOL again
I finalky end it . The rage is massive.
I get some relief abd then wish I had even the tiniest fraction if affection from him again .
Its madness
I am professional capable woman who holds their lift together and was doing fine in all other as aspects of life
Off work , broken searching fir answers.
Found out he is in a relationship with one of these women.
Don't know how build back up

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @RV you are amongst folks who get it.

for me the hardest part of being in a relationship with a uPD person was accepting the reality was it was all built on castles of sand and lies that constantly shifted in order to maintain control of me.

the hardest time is now, and knowing he may have already had your replacement in place before you made your decision is also hard to accept.  you are doing damage control and trying to recover from a relationship that never had your POV considered from the jump- and it's a lot. do what you have to do to not get drawn back into the web.  it took me 6 years to completely clear the FOG.

be gentle with yourself today. it's a lot but it's one foot ahead of the other until you get to the place where you feel like your YOU is back.

[bloomie]

Welcome RV! One of the most eye opening things for me when coming Out of the FOG was learning there were actually names for the behaviors that were so inexplicable to me when I was nose to nose with the dysfunction and manipulation.

What you describe is something called push-pull and is part of the abusive cycle.

Your brain chemistry has been hyjacked by a master manipulator. Subtly and steadily. It takes time for your nervous system to reset and for many, it is a kind of chemical charge that their mind has become used to. That's why support and gentle care of yourself is so very important.

I hope you find insights and empowerment as you join in the conversations and make good use of all of the resources gathered here for you.

[Rebel13]

Hi RV, in addition to the wonderful advice from RedShoes and bloomie, you might also check out the blog ChumpLady. Her writing is very funny and take-no-prisoners, and she and all the commenters there have a lot of experience with leaving relationships like yours. They understand the difficulties, the trauma bonding, the fog, the feeling of being crazy. I think they also have a Facebook group as well.

Good luck, and I think, if you focus on yourself, what you want and need (aside from the trauma bond of wanting attention from your partner again), you will feel a tiny bit better each day or week, as time passes, and someday soon you will have your own life and your own self back! That's something to look forward to.