My brother's confusing behavior

[mary_poppins]

I'm sure you all have that kind of sibling who you had good moments with and seemed to get along at one point but...at one moment in time, this sibling did something terrible, eg sided with the narcissistic parent, participated in a smear campaign against you or betrayed your trust.

I have one like that. One of my brothers seems OK and nice from the outside but he is snarky, puts you down or criticizes you when he's upset, stressed or needs to have a scapegoat for his pain.

We recently met to talk about our lives and the meeting went well and I find this very odd. We don't have a relationship since he is enmeshed with his toxic family, plus he has become the family's golden child.

So I don't trust him at this point. He has also done stuff to me like calling me mentally ill behind my back (to his mother) or other names in the book so he can look better and more valuable in mother's eyes. Some time ago he'd put me down and throw jabs at me as if that was OK (everyone acts like this in the family but he seems the more mature one).

Anyway, the biggest problem I have with him if I would have to consider keeping contact with him is his enmeshment. He sides with mommy dearest and tries to make me the scapegoat. He blames me for stuff that happens in the family (why haven't you helped mother? you're her daughter, he used to say) and dismiss my concerns that our family is highly toxic and unhealthy. He used to say all families are toxic, you need to accept this and get over yourself! This is so invalidating and downright toxic.

He dismisses my feelings regarding how much I was hurt by this family and continues to paint this family in normal colors (all families are like ours). He doesn't support my decision to go no contact and tells me I am mean to want to hurt the family by cutting them off (he thinks me getting away from the family is done as an act of revenge for the alleged hurt that was caused by them). It bothers me that he thinks getting some space from severely abusive family members is an act of cruely. Idk how anybody can think like this?

Isn't he aware of how toxic our parents are? I know he has been abused by his mother, too even more abused than I was. I witnessed those abuses and even tried to comfort him after each abuse. He was damaged, just like me, so..why isn't he on the same page as I am? Why isn't he acknowledging the abuse that we went through? It's as if he's in massive denial and me telling him our parents are unhealthy, dangerous, mean triggers him-which leads to him making me the bad guy. I am the one with the problem because I react against all this insidious abuse.

He has many narcissistic traits but he can also be normal at times.

Obviously, I would like to maybe maintain a form of VLC with him and cut everyone else off but..since he is against me putting up boundaries or cutting our parents off..i'm not sure we'll manage to communicate. It's scary to think that when I go no contact with our parents I might be forced to go no contact with him as well. It is also sad because he is the only person in this messed up system that I had genuine, lovely moments with (long time ago but still).

Anyone else empathise with this? Have you maintained contact with a sibling who is enmeshed while you were NC with the entire family? Did you have success with it?

Now I'm not sure it is even possible but I have heard at least one case in which both three adult daughters went NC with their parents and maintained good connections after the cut off.

TY.

[bloomie]

mary_poppins - I hear a lot of pain running through the questions you have with your brother. I am truly sorry for that and understand.

Sometimes I have longed for at least one sibling, or closer family member, who would understand and validate the experiences we all had with with our parents. I get how hard it is to go it alone as you head to a life that is void of drama and toxic behaviors.

The only way I know to invite another into a healthier way of living and relationship with me is to live it out. Is it possible to stay away from discussing your level of contact and issues with your parents and begin to build a connection around other parts of your life with your brother?

It seems that you recognize that in some ways your brother is not fully trustworthy, so that would guide you in how little or much your do engage and share I'm thinking.

For me, the reality is that our parents caused a great deal of damage to each of their children and between each of their children. What that means is that real unity and trust is most likely never going to be in our relationships. I no longer even look for deeper connection beyond cordial, surface type interactions, occasionally.

Your brother may not be the one to support you and validate you in your decision to go NC or any other decision that triggers him, or around experiences he is still in denial about or did not experience the same way you did.

My own brother, who experienced violent abuse from my father, denies that cruelty he endured and considers my father was his best friend at the end of his life.  The same brother vividly remembers the cruelty of my mother, though. So strange to me that he can see it with one and not the other.

I take 'my stuff' from our childhood elsewhere to process and heal and that has been a big shift in thinking and developing healthy coping for me.

Just my thoughts on how complex sibling relationships can be when we were raised up in such a toxic stew of uncertainty. The ripple effect is a difficult reality. 

[Defiantdaughter1]

He's been brainwashed is why.

[blacksheep7]

Oh Gosh mary_poppins.......I so can relate.  First off, I'm sorry for your hurt.
 
I have been nc 7 yrs now and I miss some of my siblings, mostly sister, dearly!  There is a price to pay for me to have contact with them as long as Covert M is alive and I Do not want to pay it. She is 92.

 I only wanted to cut ties with covert M but my siblings did not contact me any longer.  I think I scared them, going to the extreme. So of course they sided with M.
I could not write my whole story right now but I will quote Bloomie «our parents caused a great deal of damage to their children and between their children»

I have  a good relationship from my nieces and was told that she is still triangulating.  It's sad.  My sibs miss me also and they respect my decision of nc the fact that I did not  create any problems like revenge.

I do plan to reconnect when covert M passes but I will have to place Big Boundaries with some. They have not healed, still carrying the past within them, like your brother. Different behaviors and  reactions. There are some that I will not tolerate any longer, like I used to.  My younger brother is filled with frustration and gets offended quickly, not open to discussion. I call him (in my head) junior.

 

[mary_poppins]

My own brother, who experienced violent abuse from my father, denies that cruelty he endured and considers my father was his best friend at the end of his life.  The same brother vividly remembers the cruelty of my mother, though. So strange to me that he can see it with one and not the other.

I take 'my stuff' from our childhood elsewhere to process and heal and that has been a big shift in thinking and developing healthy coping for me.

Thank you for this. I empathise with your situation a lot.
It is so strange that your brother cannot see the abuse caused by your father but can admit the maternal abuse he went through. My brother would be the type to behave in a similar way. And this behavior is mind boggling to me.
It causes cognitive dissonance and not one that is easy to deal with.

I'm sorry for that.

That is one good reason why I think it will be better for me to be completely cut from the family. I will keep my brother in my future and am planing on reaching out to him a few months into no contact. However, I know he will feel triggered and that will cause him to lash out.

Of course, I fantasize that he won't get triggered, he'd agree with me going NC and later join me in my decision.
But it is only a fantasy, right? I think fantasies are cozy, they help us move a bit further in our recovery; without these fantasies, we'd break down from all the hard, deindividuating work we have to do to be free of toxic parents.

[mary_poppins]

Oh Gosh mary_poppins.......I so can relate.  First off, I'm sorry for your hurt.
 
I have been nc 7 yrs now and I miss some of my siblings, mostly sister, dearly!  There is a price to pay for me to have contact with them as long as Covert M is alive and I Do not want to pay it. She is 92.

 I only wanted to cut ties with covert M but my siblings did not contact me any longer.  I think I scared them, going to the extreme. So of course they sided with M.
I could not write my whole story right now but I will quote Bloomie «our parents caused a great deal of damage to their children and between their children»

I have  a good relationship from my nieces and was told that she is still triangulating.  It's sad.  My sibs miss me also and they respect my decision of nc the fact that I did not  create any problems like revenge.

I do plan to reconnect when covert M passes but I will have to place Big Boundaries with some. They have not healed, still carrying the past within them, like your brother. Different behaviors and  reactions. There are some that I will not tolerate any longer, like I used to.  My younger brother is filled with frustration and gets offended quickly, not open to discussion. I call him (in my head) junior.

 

Blacksheep7-I'm sorry that you don't have relationships with your siblings. But I agree with you. NC brings a lot of tension and I noticed when I was NC for a few years, my brothers' behaviors were angry and they acted like my mom would act. It is hard for me to see my brothers display the same narcissistic bahaviors they picked up from their parents; sometimes talking to them feels like talking to toxic mom. It's eerie but I know this is how things go usually. If you don't get out of the family dynamic, you have to join the narcissist and you start doing their dirty deed.

I hope things will work out for you when you'll start to re-connect with your siblings.

[mary_poppins]

He's been brainwashed is why.

Does he realize he is being brainwashed, though?