Dealing With Fear of Abandonment

[MrJones]

So ever since living with a narcissistic parent, I've had these terrible insecurities and very low self esteem, having also what is known as a disorganized, or fearful avoidant, attachment style. On top of that, my parent has practically isolated me too, even ostracizing me family members she doesn't talk to, the way she's made her view enmeshed with mine. What's really horrible though is that while I do have some actual support, I now have a fear of losing those I actually hold dear to me, due to me coming off as clingy and very insecure, as I seem to push people away. I don't what to do.

[bloomie]

MrJones - your self awareness is commendable. It's a journey to see insecurities within ourselves and begin to repair what has been torn down by those we trusted to support and empower us.

Something that is helping me is bolstering my understanding by reading and watching the work around complex trauma by people like Dr. Ingrid Clayton and Dr. Ramani. Here are links to free resources, blogs, and vids that have opened my eyes and helped me to see that some of what I am taking steps to overcome is common in people who have grown up in systems with abuse, chaos, neglect and degradation.

https://www.ingridclayton.com/resources
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani

You describe having developed supportive relationships and a desire to keep them connected and healthy. Making sure to stay intentional in those relationships and giving as well as receiving, listening and staying engaged in a balanced, measured way are some things I try to bring to my friendships and relationships.

As corny as it may sound, befriending myself has been a central part of my own healing and slow recovery. I have had a terrible tendency to abandon myself and accommodate others' perceived expectations and needs.

These are a few thoughts that came to me as I was reading your post. There is so much hope for people like you and me that are here, facing the hard stuff and reaching out for better for ourselves and those we love. Keep moving forward. Celebrate progress as you go, and if you are comfortable, sharing that progress with the community here is a lovely way to honor this work you are doing! 

[MrJones]

Thank you so much for your validating and uplifting words; that really means a lot to me. And I thank you for these extra links, but I also never thought of actually befriending myself before- I guess I was always too hard on myself growing up. Now as for those whom I actually value, I'll definitely be sure to give as much as I receive for sure- I'm just still paranoid about losing those valued people in my life. Still, I'm convinced that my narcissistic parent conditioned me to think and feel this way- I just need to heal and not be so hypervigilant.

[Rebel13]

Hi MrJones, I second the recommendation for Dr Clayton, and I would also suggest you take a look at dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). There are lots of books and online resources for these skills, and in particular the interpersonal skills have helped me a lot when trying to figure out how to maintain relationships and behave myself in a way that I will feel good about later. Here is one link, but there are lots of other places you can look for this information, including Facebook, and podcasts!

https://dbtselfhelp.com/dbt-skills-list/interpersonal-effectiveness/

[MrJones]

Hey this other link is great, thanks so much! I really needed something to help me maintain healthy relationships with trusted people after all. Thanks so much, you guys, for reaching out to me in my terrible state of mind- hopefully I'll heal from it soon.

[Defiantdaughter1]

My father isolated my mom from her family.