I feel vulnerable to give in

[Dinah-sore]

Hi, I am back. I don't know why. I think this is the time I need to post, not when something bad happens and I am angry and I need you to tell me I am not crazy and it is ok I am upset. I think I need to post when I am lonely, and tired and tempted to tell myself: those things he does are not a big deal, he is just human, he makes mistakes. Things could get better. I should just try to work it out one more time. It could be worse, other women have it way worse.


Yeah, so that is where my mind is at. I am so lonely and I want to be hugged, I want to be loved, and I get this way sometimes and then I try to pretend like we are a happy couple, and I pretend like I feel loved by him, and that lasts for a while, i might get a few happy months before something bad  happens again.

I am praying and asking God for a sign, and looking for posts on  social media to tell me if I should try fixing it again or if I should protect my heart and just bury myself in a romance novel instead.

Can anyone talk to me about this feeling? I know if i flirted with him  he would be real nice for a while. He would be meaner to the kids probably, he seems to be harder on them when we are getting along, and I don't know why, but I notice it. I hate that.

The urge to go back is so strong right now, it feels like I am addicted to something. Like I want a hit of hope or something.

I haven't done anything to reach out to him, out of respect for both of us. I don't want to send him mixed signals and I don't have my head on right. And I want to give myself time to be certain, he really hurts me so I don't want to just rush back in with my heart.

If this is confusing, I have been medium chill and grey rock, with occasional polite conversation about really nothing deep. We aren't separated right now, but we are not affectionate or intimate. Am I just wanting physical intimacy? What is wrong with me.

I feel like I want him, but I don't love him, I love him like family, but I am not in love with him, and I don't believe he loves me but enjoys the benefits of me, and I think I just want to pretend we are a happy couple and maybe have intimacy. But why?

Do I seem insane?

[Dinah-sore]

Please forgive me if this post is totally inappropriate. I honestly can't tell, if I said something that would make anyone uncomfortable. I am so sorry, please remove this post if it is inappropriate or offensive. I hope I didn't say anything inappropriate.

I just need help seeing clearly, because my mind is so confused. I want opposite things. Also, I know I have done this before and it has never worked, so I just needed support before trying to work it out with him again.

It just feels like gravity, like I am somehow being pulled back toward him. And I don't want it but I don't want to fight it either.

I appreciate any thoughts or suggestions. And I am so sorry if this post upsets anyone. I wish you all well.

[jumpin]

Im so sorry. I think i can relate to what youre saying

[Sector]

I'm so sorry you're in such an impossible place.  I don't think I've sorted my own saga well enough to give advice, but I feel for you and hope you can find the strength to do what is right for you and the kids in the long run.  Maybe ask yourself the question why you set the boundaries you did in the first place.  Has he changed since then? Is there a good reason to believe things will be different this time? I think if you can answer those questions with brutal honesty, you will know how to move forward. Sending hugs.

[Queenfrog]

Gosh! I'm sure your post is totally appropriate, Dinah-sore. I sure hope it is, because I completely relate. When he's mean, hostile, abusive, or whatever, I obsess about how to solve things, whether to move out, etc. Then he turns somewhat "normal" and I'm not suffering so much anymore, and I stop thinking about all that. I feel alternately ashamed, tired, hopeless . . .

I think your experience is quite normal! I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I, for one, welcome your posts.

[Dinah-sore]

Thank you for responding. I just feel like I want to be loved. Or feel like it. And maybe desperate because I know I can't find love anywhere else because I am married so this is it, make it work. Idk. Thank you.

[notrightinthehead]

If you could make it work, you would have. If you could change him into a kind and loving husband, you would have. He has shown you many times who he is, what he is capable of, that he is abusive to you and your kids. Believe him.

It's normal to long for companionship and love. It's normal to wish for physical and emotional intimacy. You have normal feelings and needs, and if your husband was capable of fulfilling these needs he would have by now. You are trying to get water from a dry well. If you look at him to fill your needs you will continue to be disappointed.