The Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness

[SeaBreeze]

I've recently read up on what's called the "Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness". Basically how Partner One in a difficult relationship remains content at Partner Two's expense, as long as Partner One in some way still benefits and can get away with it. Until eventually, Partner Two has had enough, mentally checks out, and eventually exits the relationship, leaving partner one so "shocked" and "surprised" because they thought things were going "so well!" Which leads to another scenario I've recently read upon, the "Walkaway Spouse Syndrome".

These two above topics are usually framed as examples of wives who leave husbands over an unfair division of household labor, childcare duties, and mental/emotional load, after her pleading for change only fell on deaf ears. However, I've also seen both terms used in discussing ANY abusive or power-imbalanced relationship, of any sexual or gender orientation, where one partner benefits from the other partner's unhappiness, until the unhappy partner decides they've had enough. I certainly feel these scenarios describe my 25 year marriage to stbx-uNPDh as well as my "sudden" exit last year that stbx just didn't seem to see coming.

Here on the Committed forum, I think a lot of us are describing how to navigate our Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness. (And then over on Separated/Divorcing, a few of us certainly appear to our stbx or ex to have just seemingly, randomly up and Walked Away. When in reality, we had to secretly plan our escapes for safety reasons.)

I considered mentioning this on a few recent posts here, where fellow members are questioning their perceptions of clearly unhappy and abusive relationships, but then thought it might  warrant its own thread of discussion!

[newlyawakened]

Thank you for sharing this SeaBreeze. I think this is true in any relationship not just one  with a PD spouse. However in normal relationships there is a degree of empathy that both partners share which may and the Partner A may be able to empathize/understand the unhappy Partner's source of unhappiness and either make amends big/small, course correct the relationship, rebalance or otherwise be truthful that they cannot address the situation and agree to part amicably.

In the case of a BPD partner they cannot empathize with the other partner's pain. So it becomes a unilateral decision for the other partner to decide how much is enough and if in their own conscience/soul/moral compass or logical reasoning they can justify the exit at any point in time. Of course what complicates this is that it may take several years of marriage for the unhappy person to realize that their spouse is a uBPD and educate themselves about BPD and understand the depth of what this lack of empathy means.
Then family situations, responsibilities, safeguarding children, all other burdens come in the picture too.

I am in a similar boat as you, and planning my exit from my marriage with my uBPDW. I think those of us who have suffered in long term marriages with PDs, once we come out, we should increase the awareness so the next generation is more aware and does not get into such traps that ruin their whole lives.

[Beachlife]

Thank you so much for posting this. It definitely describes my situation.
I still find it difficult to accept that my spouse is abusive, even though my therapist believes he is.

I am definitely in a permanent state of unhappiness that my spouse refuses to acknowledge or take steps to address our issues. It's frustrating and heartbreaking. I know I've absolutely reached the point of no return with him, I just need to figure out how to leave and find the courage to do that.

I honestly believe that, when I finally do leave, he will be blindsided, even though the writing has been on the wall for years.

[notrightinthehead]

In my case, when I had enough and began to plan my exit, I changed my behaviour. I medium chilled so that my NPD partner lost the fights that gave him so much energy and self righteousness - he no longer had a sparring partner. I grey rocked. I walked away when he raged over me. I recorded his rages when I could not walk away, like in a driving vehicle. I stopped doing his errands, by expressing full confidence in his ability to do things for himself. When he asked me how to make tea, I just laughed.
I focussed on my behaviour, got help from therapists and self help groups and eventually became useless as supply for him. That's when he got onto dating sites and replaced me within three months. So he had the satisfaction of getting rid of me, which made it so much easier for me to finally leave.

[Rebel13]

In my case, when I had enough and began to plan my exit, I changed my behaviour.

This is all such great advice, notrightinthehead! I'm glad you got free. In my mind, the "how" (the fact that he left you, instead of the other way around) doesn't really matter. What do you think about that? Would you have preferred to be the one to leave even if it were harder? Or are you content with how things turned out?

[notrightinthehead]

I am totally grateful (and feel sorry for) to the person who replaced me. I admire people who manage to leave by their own resolve only. I don't think I could have done it, somehow, I needed my NPD to let me go. It left him intact and set me free without feeling guilty.

[Beachlife]

I am totally grateful (and feel sorry for) to the person who replaced me. I admire people who manage to leave by their own resolve only. I don't think I could have done it, somehow, I needed my NPD to let me go. It left him intact and set me free without feeling guilty.

This is my situation at the moment. I need my spouse to let me go but he won't, and after 20 + years of marriage, I know he never will. He is way too dependent on me socially, emotionally & mentally 

[square]

I needed my spouse to let me go, as well.

But over the years, things got increasingly desperate and the math changed.

[xredshoesx]

I;m googling this furiously bc this is TOTALLY what is going on at my work right now (to the point where HR is coming in for a SECOND TIME).  ty ty ty for a thought provoking discussion

[Poison Ivy]

Accepting the guilty feelings can set you free. I ended the marriage even though I knew I would feel guilty to do so and I did feel guilty. I got through those feelings.

[SonofThunder]

In my case, when I had enough and began to plan my exit, I changed my behaviour. I medium chilled so that my NPD partner lost the fights that gave him so much energy and self righteousness - he no longer had a sparring partner. I grey rocked. I walked away when he raged over me. I recorded his rages when I could not walk away, like in a driving vehicle. I stopped doing his errands, by expressing full confidence in his ability to do things for himself. When he asked me how to make tea, I just laughed.
I focussed on my behaviour, got help from therapists and self help groups and eventually became useless as supply for him. That's when he got onto dating sites and replaced me within three months. So he had the satisfaction of getting rid of me, which made it so much easier for me to finally leave.

Kudos to you NRITH.  I did the same as you and when supply for Mrs SoT ended, she just ramped up the punishment and went even further covert.  As you wrote about, I wish she had left, but my wife HAD to the be the victim in a divorce and so she wasn't going anywhere. 

I believe her Fear of Abandonment is incredibly robust as well, so added to her just digging in to deliver the hurt to try and turn my compliant caretaking back on.  By that time, I was also well-versed in the toolbox like you NRITH, so nothing she attempted was getting results.  It wore on me enough to untie from the marital dock to keep my mental and physical ship from getting smashed. 

What the original post describes was sure my multi-decade marriage as well. Thanks for posting the topic SeaBreeze. 

SoT

[MaxedOut]

Oh wow, thank you for the term. 

This is an interesting read: https://partnersinfire.com/lifestyle/opinion/women-share-their-thoughts-on-walk-away-wife-syndrome/. The general situation differs from mine a lot, but still found myself nodding along at multiple points.