Recognizing manipulation

[Breadroll]

A group video call with extended family- a low contact way to stay connected. Normally all ok, and worthwhile.  During the call BPD refers to me (not usual) with an odd comment clearly meant to be registered by all. An instant rewrite of history- masterful. " as you know breadroll we are always late sending a gift to you". The conversation then turned to sending me a gift ( awkward) . In the decades I have known bpd , gifts never happened- it doesn't bother me-I really have no need for gifts. But this instant history rewrite is a new one. If everyone heard, it must have happened !
I remained calm and said thank you etc . Reflecting on how strange it is, and even very low contact can be stressful.


"

[Call Me Cordelia]

So late you still haven't gotten last year's or the year before that or...?  And speaking for all as "we" are always late? How does anyone have that kind of nerve? I'm not doubting your story, for the record. But I guess that's how gaslighting is effective. I've often wondered whether my uPD father believed himself. He used to say, "There is no reality, only perception." I do believe he believed that. If there is no objective fact to bother about, then he could and did adopt whatever narrative happened to be convenient in the moment. Of course his "reality" was not always in agreement with others', and then it was simply a question of power. I think about that a lot in this political moment, to tell you the truth.

[bloomie]

Breadroll - Good for you to recognize this manipulating the truth aka lying for what it is and remaining calm. You are so right that even very limited contact is stressful and takes a toll. Sounds like you handled things with grace and dignity! Bravo! 

[Breadroll]

Thank you CMC and Bloomie

I also wonder if Bpd believes her own narrative.
It's important for me not to engage- or waste energy
It's astonishing how effective this precision gaslighting can be, they are true masters of their art.

[treesgrowslowly]

 

One of the things I have learned from listening to Dr. Ramani interviews over the last while - is that gaslighters can be really confident in their delivery...they have the "of course that is true" vibe that some people will fall for. They confidently say lies as if it is obviously true....and a lot of people buy it.

As you wrote about and experienced, even a little bit of time with someone who behaves like that can suck our energy.

Trees

[sunshine702]

GIFTS oh yes.  They are ALWAYS manipulation with these people!  For years my Narc mom claimed to have no comforters left from her store (she sells them)  Oh yeah except this one - when she could feed off my pain and misery of my broken relationship. And triangulate. 

It's grown where I also don't like gifts anymore either. Several years ago in JUNE she calls and tells me "we are all going to stop doing Christmas this year.. um it's June.  Because there was something with the Harry and David box coming twice or once and them taking it— I honestly don't know..  nor care.  It was June and made me cry on my birthday and feel awful about gifts at Christmas.  Yeah these people are awful!