Estranged Daughter

[verum71]

Looking to get some perspective maybe from someone who has had to deal with a BPD parent.  My daughter is 17 and over the last 2 years (before that as well - just more intentional the last 2 years), it's been a slow and steady stream of me being alienated as her father.  I have spent most of my time on the co-parenting board getting feedback on this.  I have 3 children - the oldest and I are very close - the younger 2 have been pretty effectively alienated over the last 6 to 7 years.  As all 3 kids were growing up, I did not share with them any of the challenges that I was facing trying to co-parent with a BPD - there were many, and I left them out of it.  When my oldest son turned 18, he had moved in with me after some crazy-making had happened at this mom's house.  Shortly after that, him and talked about all of the issues that I had been struggling with - in and out of our marriage - for for the last 10+ years.  He had no clue these things were going on it was helpful to rebuild our relationship and help him navigate the relationship with his mom.
I was planning on waiting until my daughter turned 18 to bridge this conversation with her.  Over the last month, she has refused to return my messages and doesn't appear to interested in having any relationship with me at all.  A friend was helpful on the other board, sharing a youtube video from a girl that suffered parental alienation - her mother using alienating tactics to estrange her from her dad.   When this girl was 28 years old, she saw another presentation from someone about parental alienation and pieces of the puzzle started to come together.  Long story short - she did not figure this out and re-establish this relationship with her dad until she was 28 years old.  Obviously my preference would be to not wait 11 years to work things out with my daughter.  I have thought about writing her a letter, or maybe sending her that video - I don't know.  I'm feeling very helpless, and this is her senior year in high school.  Has anyone that has navigated a PD parent ran into a similar situation?  I feel like she is pretty effectively brainwashed and too far gone.  I still send her messages and offer to get together for dinner, or have coffee - I've kept the door open.

[footprint33]

Hi verum71, I'm sorry to hear that you and your daughter are alienated, and I haven't dealt with this scenario in my own life. But it sounds like you're doing the right thing by keeping the door open. PDs can do some serious damage to our other relationships, and sometimes all we can do is wait for the other people to see it themselves and make their own realizations. However, I imagine that this would be particularly painful with a child. I wonder if there's any way that you and your daughter could attend a therapy session together, preferably with someone trained in helping families with PD members.

Hoping that you are ok as you pass through this difficult period with your daughter.

[Liketheducks]

I'm not sure if my experience will be helpful to you.   My father WAS abusive.   My mother didn't obviously denigrate him towards me, but I experienced seeing him abuse her and eventually me.   

It took me decades to have the maturity to recognize that this was a macabre dance they did together.   That some - not at all and not excusing it - of his abuse WAS, indeed, reactive.   And, that some of her victimhood was part of her PD.   She never discouraged a relationship, but didn't encourage one either.  And, what I saw from him was scary.   It confirmed her distrust of him.  It confirmed mine.   I had no idea that reactive abuse was a thing.

The truth always comes out.   My dad isn't a safe place for me.   But, I can have a relationship with him.  If he hadn't been physically abusive with me, I would have a closer relationship with him.   If she's willing to explore therapy with you, that is wonderful.   But, no matter what...keep that door open.   You be the parent.   Work with what you have to support her on her terms as she becomes an adult.   She will see.   She will eventually realize that you are not all that your ex may have told her. 

In my situation, my entire FOO turned on me when my PD mom proclaimed her victimhood.   But, that is a role she came upon honestly with the abuse with my dad.   Sadly, it seems when my dad was no longer in the picture, she found other "villains".  Not saying that my dad wasn't a villain for her, but none of this is so completely black and white.   I do believe part of PD's coping with the world is separating things into those distinct columns.   Help or hurt.  Eventually, my FOO also experienced being placed in the villain role...and we are able to talk about it now.   It takes time and consistently showing up with integrity.

Keeping that door open with your daughter's rejection is a superpower.   Hang in there.   I'm sorry you're going through this.

[verum71]

Thanks for the feedback.  My wife has been supportive during this time and has been a great listener.  Super hard right now.  She is a senior and enjoying her time at school.  She has lots of positives in her life and I don't want to miss out.  I have been sending her messages to hang out and sharing some memories of things we loved to do together - haven't heard anything.  I also saw a great video that helped me get some perspective from her point of view.  It was called "10 things your alienated child would want you to know".  It hit pretty hard - made me very sad (and mad)