Always something new to learn in OCPD world

[Prototypian]

uOCPDw with severe hoarding and deep control issues, over 30 year marriage, member of the forum forever.

I keep assuming I'll run out of behaviors to understand or share.   Had another realization yesterday or today.

Dishes, dishwasher loading, dishwasher running and usage are a near constant anxiety and point of anger/control for her.   She is even afraid of the use of the dishwasher "inappropriately" while she is out of town.

Since we are empty nesters I've decided that the pile of dishes is smaller and easier and we just have to stop leaving them in the sink.   So my effort has been to always keep the clean dishwasher empty as soon as possible putting everything away carefully so as not to spark explosions there (she has literally lost it throwing dishes and silverware for a fork in the silverware drawer being in the wrong size slot-salad fork in the dinner fork slot in the drawer compartments).   

And I've been loading the thing.   She gets angry particularly when a dish gets hand washed and put away because I couldn't fit it in or when a cup or plate is in the "wrong" place.

She finally broke down nearly sobbing and told me "the reason she leaves dishes out to collect is that she doesn't like the dishwasher loaded 'wrong' and unless we have everything together first to plan how it gets loaded then it can be loaded inefficiently and you can miss things that could be better used and waste less energy and ensure that every load is full and completely loaded correctly"

Basically the years that we have had sinks full of food covered dishes and all that anger and control is because she is deeply concerned about someone who is not her wasting energy by missing out on a glass or plate and the appliance not being as efficient as possible.

I know her well enough to know she can't let this go and she sees that "waste" as a crime at a social level others would see as stealing or assault.

My knowledge of this doesn't fix anything and I'm still not going to make major changes for myself as I stil hate sinks full of dirty dishes.  I've made the boundary that if she loses it and screams and especially throws things I'll head to the other house and load the dishwasher there.   


Just another bizarre element of the ocpd black and white views of the small things in the world.

[bloomie]

Jsinjin - what seems like a small thing... how to deal with the dirty dishes, really seems to be indicative of the bigger battles you face daily. I am so thankful you have a place to escape to.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

   Yay for houses of respite and Yay for boundaries!

[SonofThunder]

Jsinjin - what seems like a small thing... how to deal with the dirty dishes, really seems to be indicative of the bigger battles you face daily. I am so thankful you have a place to escape to.

 

Also glad for your second home.

SoT