Need Advice...

[Trinity85]

...and maybe a hug.

I'm not sure what to do. I have been on a pause/break with my (ex) partner for the last 2 1/2 months. You can see my post from July about what happened. I am putting ex in parentheses because the situation between us in confusing.

When we agreed to the break, we also agreed to meet this week to talk, which we did a few days ago. Of course, I am the only one who actually talked.

As my partner lives in a neighboring state, I was there for two days/one night. While I was there, it became clear that all the people we know in the community where he lives have no clue what is going on and still think we are together. And my partner isn't helping - calling me by my pet name and telling me he loves me. It was as if nothing between us had changed.

I told my partner that I need clarity on our situation now because I don't know how to act or what to expect and I don't want to end up hating him. I told him that I thought we should go back to the therapist we previously saw - not to work on our relationship - but to figure out appropriate boundaries.

I am trying not to get into the specifics of our situation, but the difficulty here is that while we are not married and do not live together - we have been together for many many years and our lives in that community are extremely intertwined. Neither of us want to lose the community so we need to figure out how to co-exist.

He did agree that he would go back to the therapist for this reason, but when I tried to set up the appointment yesterday he told me he was too overwhelmed to be be able to figure out a day/time that would work.

Meanwhile, I feel like he is stringing me along - not ending the relationship fully but not being the partner that he was and keeping me as a backup option if he cannot find someone else (he has been constantly on dating sites trolling since our pause/break - and this has been a constant issue in our relationship in addition to his extensive serial cheating).

He also spent a great deal of time while I was there talking about how he felt suicidal and it was only a matter of time until it happened.

This all feels like torture to me because I still care about my partner and part of me still actually wants to be with him, although another part of me knows that is not possible as it would be emotional suicide for me given his behavior.

I don't want to be in this bucket of warm spit any longer.

Do I just go NC with no explanation and sort out the details of how to manage life in the community after the fact o my own? That feels awful to me and I don't want to do that to someone that I have known for as long as I have known him. Or maybe it would be better to just send an email outlining how I expect this to work?

I oscillate between seeing him as an annoying child to seeing him as someone who is determined to hurt me in as painful a way as possible.

How can I take back control of my life?

[escapingman]

Do I just go NC with no explanation and sort out the details of how to manage life in the community after the fact o my own? That feels awful to me and I don't want to do that to someone that I have known for as long as I have known him. Or maybe it would be better to just send an email outlining how I expect this to work?

I was married to uPDxw for many years and every time I tried to sort the relationship or leave she always talked me round and never accepted what I said. Even after filing she acted like we were still a couple and tried to do things as a couple. The only way that got me fully out was to have her removed from the house and for a court to order no contact between us. That was also what I needed to move on and start processing what had happened. So in short, NC and no explanation is the best way to save your self.

Good luck.

[Trinity85]

Thank you @escapingman. The stories of others is helpful to try to make sense of the madness. He has a diagnosis of ASPD. I've struggled for so long to understand his behavior and how best to respond to it. I've felt so traumatized and so hurt by the things he has done; I knew nothing about his secret double life for several years and the shock of learning the truth after all that time was beyond devastating - it's hard to capture in words. It's been a great deal of work on my part to manage my emotions to be able to deal with the situation, to sort through all the manipulation and pity ploys and to see things clearly. As soon as I feel like I am making progress and taking back control of my life, he will do something to confuse me. And in fairness, I have found it hard to let go - I loved being with him and I so desparately wanted to believe he could be fixed. It does seem like NC and no explanation is the only way out.   

[moglow]

You had an agreed 2 2/2 month break to figure out what you want and your partner -an admitted serial cheater- continued to seek out others. That's what he chose in a time you were at the end of your rope. It's no reflection on you or what you want, but it is something you need to think about. You need to see who he is: He's not committed to and likely sees no reason to change, simply because that's not what he wants. That's okay - you don't have to want the same thing.

We can't change others, we can only change ourselves. I'm absolutely not saying you should just sit back and let that go, but you do need to seriously consider your own needs here. Whatever led to the break is still there, and sounds like he thinks to pick up where you left off. Is that what you want?

For me, being lonely and feeling second best (or not much of a consideration at all) in a relationship, is far worse than being on my own. I don't want to doubt and second guess someone when we're apart. And I'm not going to be quietly abused in order to be seen as "together" either.

I believe you can love someone and not like them, that you can love them and still see that a romantic partnered relationship is no longer possible. I believe that those people might even -with time- become friends or at least friendly. Breaking up and somehow being friends like flipping a switch? Not so much. As long as there's that hope of maybe getting back together, no. Someone will get hurt because the other partner continues on business as usual. While I'm left with promises of "maybe more." No thank you. I'd more likely find other places to be, other things to do, cultivate real friendships.

This really is a time when you need to think about yourself and what you want in your life, what you're willing to give up and if it's worth it in the long run.

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with the other posters. Your options are
- be in a relationship with a cheater
- break it off and find out who you are on your own.

When the serial cheater no longer occupies the position of partner in your life, you might even find someone who is a better fit.

[Catothecat]

Your concern about how your breakup will affect your community is something I and probably many others can relate to very well, Trinity!  When I went through two breakups with PDs, once in a marriage and once with a live-in partner, I had to deal with the reactions of people we knew.  In both of my cases, the ex- went on a smear campaign to make me the evil person in the wrong. 

With my ex-, I soon realized we had no real friends "in common" and they were a community for him, not for me.  I was the wife who tagged along with him.  When they disappeared from my life, there was no loss.

However, with the ex-live-in, we both belonged to an extensive social organization that also functioned as a social group. Since the ex- was the one making all the noise and I basically kept the situation to myself without trying to involve others, it soon became clear that many folks simply weren't interested in taking "sides" and preferred to not be bothered with dramatics.  It wasn't that they didn't care, it was that they didn't see our situation as their business.  Those who did take a side were those who were going to be on his regardless of what he said or did.  Facts of the situation didn't concern them.  And they didn't exactly endear themselves to those who would rather not get involved. 

So in my experience, staying your course, being true to who you are and not being seen as someone who's trying to drag others into the situation will reassure others that you're not going to be the disruptive one.  They will appreciate and remember it. 

[Trinity85]

This really is a time when you need to think about yourself and what you want in your life, what you're willing to give up and if it's worth it in the long run.

Thank you. This really made me think.

[Trinity85]

Your concern about how your breakup will affect your community is something I and probably many others can relate to very well, Trinity!

So in my experience, staying your course, being true to who you are and not being seen as someone who's trying to drag others into the situation will reassure others that you're not going to be the disruptive one.  They will appreciate and remember it. 

Thank you. It seems like I could just say, I really loved him but sometimes relationships aren't forever, and most people would likely not ask any questions. Whatever they decide to think, they can think. In the end, I can't control what other people do. I guess what really upsets me though is that none of them will ever know the truth. It feels so unfair.

[StartingHealing]

Trinity85
I savvy the feeling of "unfair".  However, us here, in this space, we get it.  We know.  In my own experience, there was a clear line of demarcation between the don't give 2 flips of a rats tail and those who really wanted to hear my side of things.  It broke down along the lines that I thought it would.  Going NC with the xBPD, those who heard my side moved away from her and those who didn't care, stayed in her orbit.  Birds of a feather, you know?

Wishing you all the best.

[Trinity85]

Thank you @StartingHealing.