Preparing for visits

[Rebel13]

Hi everybody,

I'm planning a visit to my home area soon. I visited a year and a half ago and my mother threw a giant tantrum before I even arrived, and I've been NC with her since. My relationship with my brother was slightly rekindled by that visit -- having not seen him for 20 years before that -- but has sorta fizzled, and he's also demonstrated some enmeshment with my mom that I feel uncomfortable about. So I have no plans to see either of them and they don't know I'll be in the area. Even though (coincidentally) I'll be arriving on my mother's birthday!! Yikes. 

I'll be visiting my dad and stepmother. I love my stepmother a lot and mainly am visiting to see her and support her. She has health problems and is caring for my dad, who has early dementia.

My partner is going with me and we have plans to do other fun things apart from family visits. So I've been kind of looking forward to the trip. But it occurred to me that, given how stressful things were the last time I was there, I might have some reactions or distressing feelings. I'm getting a lot of help lately from trauma therapy and related activities, but I wonder if anyone has any suggestions for how to prepare oneself for something like this?

[notrightinthehead]

I use a lot of guided meditations. Mindfulness meditations, meditation for self love, for anxiety, my favorite is the anxiety guy on YouTube, for self esteem, overcoming trauma. They come in all lengths and shapes. I used to travel with CDs, now they are on my phone. From 5 to 60 minutes long. And I go for long walks to calm myself down and find inner peace. I love being outdoors so nature is reliably calming for me. When I am triggered, I find a quiet spot and do a meditation.

I used to write a lot in my journal but in the last years I have found less relief from that.

I am curious to find out what works for others and for you!

[Rebel13]

Thank you! I'm learning about mindfulness and meditation and they are helping me so far. That's a great suggestion for me to remember. It's hard not to get caught up in what my therapist calls "the trauma swirl"!

I also love the outdoors and I'm so looking forward to going to the beach. I'm planning to go every day! That will definitely help me too.

[Rebel13]

Hi all,

I just wanted to share a few reflections about the trip in case they are helpful to anyone.

Overall it was really great. The weather was wonderful and I so appreciated going to the beach.

I had a flashback the second or third day. Because there was no drama AT ALL, I was able to recognize it as being due to baggage from the past, even though I wasn't able to get myself out of it and it had to run its course. As it did, I had a moment where the "core belief" popped into my mind -- I think that's one of Pete Walker's concepts. Anyway, I had the thought "I can't do anything right" and I had that feeling of being caught in a no-win situation. But again, I recognized that it wasn't because of anything happening right then, which was nice even though I still had all the trauma reaction feelings. It's good to know that's a trigger so I can watch for it in the future and find ways to reassure myself.

Since I've gotten back, I've noticed the delight and freedom of being able to say, when people ask, "I had a great time!" without that cringey feeling that I'm editing out the bad parts or that I'm lying (because I didn't enjoy things when my mother was involved). It feels wonderful to tell people that I visited family and even have extended conversations about what we did etc., because I didn't have to censor anything, or worry that I was coming across as negative and horrible if I told the truth. I don't think I've EVER felt that free in discussing visits to family or my home area before, in my life. It's kind of amazing. I feel like I'm reclaiming my feelings of love and connection for my home area which have always been so tainted by family unpleasantness.

No contact, for myself, is really the gift that keeps on giving.

[MaxedOut]

Love this update!