My brother's non-PD girlfriend: I don't get it

[mary_poppins]

I don't get it how is it that my brother's girlfriend who is non-PD (I don't know for sure she is non-PD but seems normal and OK) is able to have a relationship with him. This always baffled me. My brother is a bully towards me and the other brother. He also bullies my PD mother from time to time. But with her, he seems different. Or does he abuse her, too but she doesn't mind it/get it?

I don't believe that PD people can have OK interpersonal relationships. And, if the girlfriend knows he is difficult, how come she's still with him?(there are together for almost 2 years) Btw, she is a mature woman, has a kid and a business. So, she can manage herself.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Mary Poppins!
I would think that the gender matters here: if the situation were reversed, it would be less likely that a guy would put up with that kind of behaviour. But as women we are mostly conditioned from an early age to be patient and loving and understanding, give men the benefit of the doubt etc. Maybe she also has childhood traumas that make her more prone to get involved with someone with a personality disorder. I agree with you: I don't think these people can have healthy interpersonal relationships. There is no way that he doesn't display any signs of the problematic behaviour he has towards other people. Maybe she just puts up with it because she thinks this is what good partners do.

I was with someone for a very long time who may not have been PD but had lots of narcissistic traits and many other problems.  It took me many years to realize that the relationship was unbalanced and that he wasn't a good partner to me (well,that's an understatement: in many ways he was controlling and abusive). Now people who know me would say I am a mature, normal, reasonable person, but I still chose to stay with him for all this time, when it's now clear to me I should have broken up with him in the first couple of months. The signs were there.

Just to say it happens more often than you'd think.

[mary_poppins]

Hi walking on broken glass. Thx for your answer.
Yep, I think some people like my brother's girlfriend don't understand PD behavior and think the PD is normal. In a way, I feel sorry for her, so sorry that I want to tell her 'Run and don't look back". From my understanding they are serious and intend to get married. Which is worse because she will become a 'narcissistic supply' for my parents when I'm out of the picture. She is that kind of person who will advice my parents, give them gifts, maybe run errands for them. She can't see through their fake personas.
 

[notrightinthehead]

Mary Poppins, most of the people on the chosen Relationship and separating/divorcing boards are in a similar position as your brother's girlfriend. Looking at myself, who stayed in a relationship with a NPD for three decades,  there was something within me, a deep feeling of inferiority, a high need to please and be liked, an exaggerated feeling of responsibility, unhealthy conditioning.

So if you look closer at this non PD person, you might find a lot of co-dependent traits.

[Defiantdaughter1]

It could be what one person previously mentioned. She could have childhood trauma that causes her to think that behavior is normal. Or, maybe he has done a real snow job on her. She will realize it at some point.

[sandpiper]

My T taught me to look at it through the prism of, don't diagnose, just deal with the behaviour. So, it sounds like that is likely to be abuse and DV.
There is a great book by Lundy Bancroft called 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' - they use it as a text book in one of the university degrees for the domestic violence study unit, here in my little bit of Australia. Most abusers will conceal what they are really like until they've got their target caught. Women who become victims of DV and abuse often report that it doesn't start until they are pregnant or married, have children and are financially dependent on the abuser. My group T had a name for it 'Street angel, Home Devil'.
With family and those who are already stuck with them, there is no need to bother with a mask.
When they are setting someone up as their next target, an abuser will go to lengths to mask the abusive behaviour.
Abusers always need a cheer squad of people to back up how wonderful they are and a PD will want a partner who is going to hold up a mirror to them telling them how great they are.
Once the 'mirror mirror on the wall' thing starts to go south, and the person holding the mirror starts to reflect back some of the ugly they are starting to see, that's when the unpleasant stuff tends to start.
If you view it purely as narcissistic supply, and that the girlfriend is likely to be meeting all of his requirements - for now - there's an incentive to encourage that kind of behaviour.
Or, as others have said, she could already be a bit off-balance herself, and may have come from a background where abusive behaviour has been normalised or enabled, so she just doesn't see it. (Yet)