Imposter syndrome

[Call Me Cordelia]

A couple of events this weekend have me working through feeling I'm not good enough to belong. Some of it is being included in a group of people who I perceive to have more money, education, style, general class. And somehow I've fooled these nice folks into thinking I'm of their caliber. I didn't mean to be fake and I should probably just disappear before things get bad.

Of course I didn't fake anything. I have no upstart pretensions to be a social climber or any of the things my mother told me I was. I have no reason to suppose these people are in any true way better than myself that would or should preclude friendship. In fact we discovered a common interest and had a really good time. It's all old programming where it feels safer to run. It's all my parents' materialism and judgmental comments playing in my mind. But gosh knowing it doesn't turn it off. There's so much shame there, and that's making it hard to just be normal and enjoy things. I feel about twelve years old right now. No wonder I struggled socially in school.

[bloomie]

Call Me Cordelia - wow! Your insights are profound! I have found that self awareness is the first step in rising above the old patterns made by the words and belief systems of those who were damaging to us that have created unwelcome pathways through our identity. Overcoming and renewing our thinking around who we are and what is true about us and others cannot happen without this kind of painful unveiling.

I am so thankful you had a good time, found common ground and were your lovely self. Would love to hear more about how you are rethinking and overcoming these feelings.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Cordelia,

Have you read Dr Elaine Eron's book, 'The Highly Sensitive Person'?  There is a very basic and short series of true/false questions (self-quiz) near the end of the preface which can be a good starting baseline for whether HSP is worth exploring for oneself.

*if you enjoy audiobooks, the narrator exudes a gentle and caring woman with a easily understood British-sounding accent. I very much enjoyed both the written and audio version of the book. 

I consider myself a moderate highly sensitive person (HSP).  One of the great things that the book does is to emphasize how both HSP's and non-HSP's make up a very useful mix in the world.  Reading the book the first time, I concluded that many traits I have always considered abnormal, are simply different, and actually useful in society. At the same time because my radar is high, those same traits can plague me. 

I believe my father did not understand my being a sensitive person and believes its not a trait for males.  He did not like his son having high-radar & high-emotional traits, especially since my older brother is a non-HSP.  My PDf accused me much of acting like a female, because i was thoughtful, caring and very in-tune to others feelings, as well as smells, sights, tastes, sounds and others unspoken needs and also I was very particular about everything, in an ocd type of manner.  My mother surely understood, and came alongside me, but being the caretaker(Fjelstad) that she is, she bowed to my father's desires for me.   

I say this to you, because the feelings you have about yourself and this group, if you are an HSP, may be amplified because you are an HSP, and thats perfectly acceptable.

You wrote:

"It's all old programming where it feels safer to run." 

For me it can actually be my 'nature' trait of over-stimulation and not necessarily 'nuture' programming from my past.  For me, this was very beneficial to learn, as I have applied what I've learned about myself, in making better decisions for myself.  For example, in a social group I either need to realize that I'm going to feel that it's "safer to run", and push through it, or know in advance that uneasy feeling will come to me and therefore purposefully not join a specific group.  In addition I need to be very selective about which group I join (needs to fit my traits well), and also limit the number of groups in which I join (reduce volume of over-arousal) to better manage my higher sensitivity. 

Wishing you the best,

SoT

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you both!

I do think I am an HSP, and yes I relate to having the double hit of HSP plus CPTSD-induced hypervigilance. I think the "tell" between the two for myself is whether there's a shame attack with it or not. If I'm simply overstimulated, I can feel wound up but without the self-hate or tearing myself down about it. If I start having thoughts putting myself down for making my hair look nice or I'm only reading that book to impress the fancy people, that's when I know it's not from my true self. Can somebody do those sorts of things from an inauthentic place, absolutely. You know who did and was completely projecting it onto me? Yep! So, I'm pretty safe to assume I'm okay, since that lifelong treatment at least did give me basically an allergy to the fake ingratiating of oneself that I saw my parents try and fail at constantly. They were so ready to pounce on any hint of the fault in me that they actually displayed embarrassingly egregiously. The Biblical analogy of the gnat and the camel is really apt here.

I'm also recalling discussions on these boards about how for many of us, we feel most comfortable when we are the "better" person in our relationships. I'm starting to connect with people from whom I can learn and things feel more equal, and this is sometimes uncomfortable. Because what would they see in me? I'm comparatively a hot mess in my own estimation, but comparing in this way is just not helpful.

[SonofThunder]

Cordelia, I enjoyed reading your self analysis!  Well thought through in a very mindful way. I find the push-pull I do with myself in investigating and scrutiny to be emotionally tiring, but know it's just part of my traits and my rich inner life. 

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Boy do I relate to this, Cordelia!  I started this journey with a more high powered, high functioning, monied (though not a bit pretentious, just successful) small group of people maybe 3 years ago, kind of by accident.  We met through a common interest, like you, which felt comfortable.  But some of them ended up wanting to become better friends with me and talk and do things outside of the group activity.  Oh, horrors!  The shame, as you said!  Can't you see I'm not really one of you? 

To this day I haven't had any of them over to my old, needing repairs, thrift store furnished (and not in a chic way) house.  But now, after some time, a few of them express their love for me and how grateful they are to have me in their life. I feel and express the same to them and feel utterly amazed I'm allowing this to happen instead of running away.

Good for you for having the courage to confront the old toxic shame in service of making your life better! You are giving that little girl inside who is making herself known a wonderful opportunity.  You're also giving her the message that the old shame-inducing stories are false and she is worthy of having these kinds of friends.

I have a bit of what you're talking about, SOT, with the HSP traits.  And I like how you talk about honoring that part of you.  There is a balance to be struck in stretching ourselves but also being gentle and knowing when to pull back rather than push through.  It's about self love.

I'd also love to hear how this develops for you, Cordelia.  I am at a point where I mostly feel I belong, but I notice a difference, too.  I do not have the self confidence the others have and they don't have the easily-triggered self doubt and shame response I have.  But I think it's healing to see what it looks like to be a person who feels they are entitled to be a fully equal group member who can take up their full share of time and space and, at times, easily and unselfconsciously (but never exploitatively) request extra considerations.  They are role models for me.