Comebacks

[Rebel13]

I've been looking around for different comebacks that I can practice and have in my back pocket for those uncomfortable moments when I feel challenged or defensive and don't know what to say. I don't always know what people's intentions are in saying certain things, but most of these statements give reasonable folks a chance to clarify, and unreasonable folks a chance to reconsider. I think most of them would also work well with gray rock and medium chill approaches to relationships. This list is from the book "Comebacks at Work: Using Conversation to Master Confrontation" but I'd love to know about other resources that you like.

• Could you run that logic by me again?
• That's an interesting perspective. I'll have to give that some thought.
• I hadn't really thought of it that way.
• Huh.
• We seem to be in debate mode instead of discussion mode.
• I hadn't considered that.
• There are a couple of ways to take that.
• Is that so?
• You don't say.
• That's a lot to take in.
• I'm wondering if I heard you right.
• I like to reflect on comments like that one.

[xredshoesx]

I use ALL of these at work with tweens/ teens.   I also like GOOD FOR YOU! and GOOD TALK variants when I am done with a subject.

I also use - 'I'll have to consider that carefully before I can respond.... i'm teaching right now'.and then since it's a BS thing to consider I simply DON'T RESPOND

[Rebel13]

I also use - 'I'll have to consider that carefully before I can respond.... i'm teaching right now'.and then since it's a BS thing to consider I simply DON'T RESPOND

Love it!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I rocked this recently. Some busybody was trying to guilt me about my mother. (She knows something's not right, but not details.) "I appreciate where you're coming from," with a polite smile, without giving details or defense. Shut. It. Down.

[Rebel13]

I rocked this recently. Some busybody was trying to guilt me about my mother. (She knows something's not right, but not details.) "I appreciate where you're coming from," with a polite smile, without giving details or defense. Shut. It. Down.

Congratulations on rocking it!

Or even "I see where you're coming from", if I DON'T in fact appreciate it!  Good one.

[bloomie]

Rebel13 - Great thread! Knowing my starting gate response is to fawn or freeze it is so helpful to have a few responses in my back pocket, as you say.

Great list you shared and input from everyone already!

The work of Jefferson Fisher has really helped me. His Youtube shorts are targeted and clear. Here is a link:
https://www.youtube.com/@jeffersonfisher

One of the phrases from him that I have learned to use is: 'you may be right'

And a variation on that from Dan O'Connor is: 'that may be, but...'

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Pre-thinking this is a good idea, Rebel.

I almost always do the "don't respond," just because I freeze.  Or sometimes "Huh" 

Something I've thought of saying to a uNPD who remarks to me about something I would obviously feel self-conscious about and can do nothing about is (quizzically, in a non-defensive, matter of fact voice) "I'm wondering what your purpose is in saying that" or "What were you wanting me to take away from that comment?"  Make an effort to take the spotlight off my imperfection and shine it on their behavior.  Sort of the old "Give them back their shame they're trying to smear you with."  I don't know if that's too confrontive or unwise, though.

One I heard of on here when someone is saying something outrageous is "Are you alright?" in a concerned voice.

[SonofThunder]

My choice is to respond with neutrality, not a question, not a response that makes me look weak, uneducated or below the PD, and definitely not an action to accompany the neutral response; something that simply conveys "I heard your opinion/comment".  I may even repeat what I heard, in the conveyance, delivered in a human equality & individual respect mindset and tone.

For example, in Rebel's original list is "That's an interesting perspective. I'll have to give that some thought."

I would choose to cut that short, eliminating the action portion, therefore "Thats an interesting perspective" would be my response, followed by silence and see where the PD's mind goes next, which many times helps to further reveal their deeper motives because their thrown lure didn't get a bite.  They will then throw it at a different angle or get angry that the lure was not taken, both of which reveals the bait even more. 

SoT

[LemonLime]

I SO agree with all the above.
Jefferson Fisher recommends "are you OK?" similar to what Looking to B Free said.

[Rebel13]

Thanks everybody, so much great stuff in here! I'll be watching all of Jefferson Fisher's videos. And I agree, SonofThunder, tone is SO important! It's at least half the message by itself. So maybe I should be practicing different tones, too, to make sure I'm communicating what I intend.

[1footouttadefog]

A best friend of mine was very wise and spoke little.  What he did say was measured and very meaningful.

I noticed that he would say something like "so,  you think so?". or "hmm, you think so, do you?"  when someone was saying something he did not believe or disagreed with.

Narcissist would continue on thinking he agreed with him and they had made their point.  He had simply let them know he had heard it.