Back in the saddle again

[moglow]

Mommie dearest has been back at home for about three weeks now. She managed to put off and ignore home health care for the first week and a half, has not made one comment following their eventual first meeting, not even to tell me they were/are coming at all. I'm not sure how she's managed anything - she's completely uncommunicative other than her standard vague and brief acknowledgement of texts, followed by silence.

I did contact md this week, asking about her nieces who live in hurricane affected areas, how they fared. It's interesting that she somehow has phone numbers for and has been in contact with them, after claiming she lost everyone's contact info when her phone died last year. Anyhoo, she went into some detail about one in North Carolina who I've specifically asked about several times in the past, wanting to make contact and/or visit. It was always brushed off and not handy but she's getting it to me later, but suddenly mass devastation and mother has been speaking with her. Just more of mother's crap, micromanaging information and no doubt painting us as horrible terribles. 🙄

Anyhoo once I'd opened that door, I pointed out that for someone so excited to go home she's been pretty silent since. What's going on, how are you settling back in etc. "No one has shown any interest in what I went through. No one has asked many questions. I was gone from x to y and there's no interest." Completely oblivious that she brushes off questions them complains that we don't know what's going on! I reminded her, I have asked, repeatedly. I always got very brief vague answers then lunch or dinner arrived and all conversation stopped. She never answered me other than it was a busy place and she had a roommate. So?! You claim you couldn't talk and still complain that no one knows anything? You're now back in that silent house with no roommate and can't talk? Make it make sense!

And same thing happened when I brought it to her attention this time! A few hours after me poking that bear with no response, I shot her a snippy "Nothing? Okay, good talk. Have a good day!" She fires back asking if I'm expecting her to type it all out. Nope! I'm asking questions and you're not answering. Dealers choice here. Damned if I do damned if I don't.

Because I am who I am (foolish? Glutton for punishment? Stubborn?) a few hours after that exchange, I called her on my long drive home. She's all perky chirpy as if she'd not bitten my head off just a few hours earlier. It's all superficial nonsense conversation and she STILL didn't say anything about her supposed condition!!

So yes, I'm setting the ball down on that one. I can do superficial conversations good as the next guy, but don't you dare berate me over my presumed failings then pull the exact same shit scenario I just pointed out. Be who you are and say what you feel - I'll show myself out!

🙄😵🤐😵😖

[moglow]

I can't on any level imagine mother loving herself, much less anyone else. Self involved she may be, but it's still not loving or kind that I can see. There's a complete lack of self awareness and she continues to feed it all the darkness and anger and spite at her disposal. How empty that seems. 

So I pray for her to find peace and let her go. There's nothing left.

[bloomie]

moglow - without self awareness, or a willingness to communicate reliably, consistently, I am with you... there is really no place to go with someone. You have done what you can and the most loving thing you can do for you and for her is: " pray for her to find peace and let her go. There's nothing left."

I was thinking about the law of sowing and reaping recently and how sometimes someone like your mother finds themselves standing in a field of weeds and have no idea how they got there. 

It is painful to see, and I am so sorry your mother is not healthy enough to love herself or you. 

[FromTheSwamp]

My sibling often reminds me - this is the relationship they created.  We kept trying to make it something different, but this is what they wanted.

[NarcKiddo]

They are so exhausting.

[moglow]

Yes, this is exactly what she wanted - something to complain about. Anyone in contact with her sees and gets it, it just looks and sounds bad on the outside. While I don't care about anyone's judgments of me, I still don't appreciate the "you're the daughter and you should ..." Or "you'll miss her when she's gone." But should I? Will I? Doubtful. 

For all I know md had taken her sleep meds and chilled out by the time I called. Even cousin mentioned she rarely calls because md is so angry about everything - so I guess that means *I* should be the one?! Cousin knows very well what md is capable of and how she's treated me.

I'm just sick of the hello pot meet kettle bs she stirs with such regularity. And mad with myself that I bought into it again. I don't doubt she's bored and lonely and uncomfortable and Lord knows what else. But dammit why not be nice?!! Why justify and make excuses for poor behavior rather than simply doing better in the first place?

[bloomie]

I don't think the contrast between you and your mother could be more stark than this.

I cannot possibly know this, but I suspect, that when  you come close, when you are your thoughtful, kind self, you bring a powerful spiritual light into what seems to be a pretty dark existence and your mother gets a glimpse of herself and her current circumstances that she then blames on you or your sibs or anyone and everything else.

My own mother was an extremely competitive and jealous woman. As haughty as they come. She both loved me and hated me. Always. I never knew which I was going to encounter when I drew nearer to her, or within any given encounter.

You are everything your mother could never be. Never chose to be. You have built a lovely life and loving relationships for yourself. You are spiritually strong. You are kind and empathetic and funny. You are loved and able to love. And so much more.

Keep shining your light and let it guide you forward in how much you can handle in terms of contact. And keep sharing. Navigating this is about as hard as it gets!

 

[moglow]

My own mother was an extremely competitive and jealous woman. As haughty as they come. She both loved me and hated me. Always. I never knew which I was going to encounter when I drew nearer to her, or within any given encounter.

We shared that mother, except that I'm  not convinced mine has any love in her for anyone. She seems horribly and willfully empty, always demanding others full her endless needs. But the competitive and jealous? Check. Haughty and seeing herself way up there, everyone else somehow down below? Check. Never knowing which personality would appear? Different level here but also check. In thinking back over a life with her I've tried to remember kindness, compassion, empathy, reaching out to others in their time of need - and it's just not there. Everything is a quid pro quo where others don't measure up. I know it's not personal (towards me only) but a deep and abiding emptiness within her. But it's still sad and at times painful to see.

I thank you for seeing me as you do, Bloomie. That shining light when others can't see it themselves that makes a difference. I've been in a dim place with all of this and even knowing the all of it, mine flickers more than it should. It would be a hard struggle for me to go and stay that dark, holding onto and carrying all that ugliness and spite. I truly don't understand her darkness, that she continues to feed it when all else feels light and free! 

[Sneezy]

I truly don't understand her darkness, that she continues to feed it when all else feels light and free!

You will never understand her darkness.  Your brain and your mom's brains think so differently about life, about everything.  Sometimes I look back and remember some of the negative things my mom has said, and it just boggles my mind.  And it's completely incomprehensible.  Life is short.  I understand that we can't always be happy, and that there will always be difficulties, but that is no reason to look for and continue to feed that black hole of despair that our mom's seem to embrace.

Keep your light shining, Mo 

[bloomie]

Right there with Sneezy. It is incomprehensible to us. And on some level it is shocking to our nervous system to see, hear, observe this.

I used to try and predict and forecast what was next on the horizon as a protective measure... something I now know is a trauma response... and I could predict some things, but I could never imagine some of the things my own mother said and did and blithely carried on. 

What peace when I began to believe in my own ability to be better equipped and empowered. To trust my knower about when to speak and when to be silent, to turn that discernment and predictive sense to considering if a conversation or action would be productive, or another complete waste of everyone's time and energy. When to step away and how to judge best what I could afford in the way of contact and what I could not. 

Keep your light shining, Mo 

[moglow]

I used to try and predict and forecast what was next on the horizon as a protective measure... something I now know is a trauma response... and I could predict some things, but I could never imagine some of the things my own mother said and did and blithely carried on. 

Yes. Mother pretending to not know who we were, literally asking our names and laying there without a glimmer of emotion ... that one I never saw coming. It was just one more in a long list of performances but it was new. I suspect not as effective outwardly as she thought: no one broke down or cried or got angry. We let her play it out.

Other than her texts to me the next day there's been no further mention. But she's fussy that no one shows interest in her "experiences while (she) was gone." Well no. We don't exist, whyever would we need yet more excuses from her?

I did get a little joy when I pointed out that very thing to cousin it, when she tried to push responsibility for md at me. Cousin was one of the people mother told all about that visit, so there's no doubt how it all went down. "But she loves you. I told her that you love her and want to make this right ..." Um no, I can't make this right. I want to be left alone. She's shown me who she is. Given what she's repeated to cousin, *she* knows who md is as well. 

Y'all are right - incomprehensible is truly the only word that fits. I don't have to understand her to know the effects on others. I'm ontinuing to look to those who do understand - or at the very least capable of empathy when I struggle. 💙

[moglow]

So tonight:

That light y'all mention is flickering. It comes and goes, and I just try to hold up a bright front. Behind closed doors it's not working all that well.

She had a nerve block on her knees this week, brother told us about it. Not one word from her, and I'm sure it'll be turned to our lack of interest, as if yet again we should somehow magically know. I reached out to her, told her I hope it relieved her pain, helps her rest and find some measure of peace.

This morning she text that I'd obviously talked to brother (I told her specifically that he'd told me about the procedure, so yes) and that she'd have been up creek without a paddle if he stopped helping her. And he provides entertainment too. Oh. So you brag on him while saying nothing to your other children, AND I know you talk shit about him to others. That too hasn't changed. We're all glad he's in a position to help her - although honestly if I were I'm pretty sure at this point I'd find other places to be. Even still it felt like the slap she'd intended, found wanting yet again.

For all my big words of wanting to be left alone, that's exactly what's happened and I ache with it. You truly don't expect a discard from your own mother, cold and uninterested as she may have always been. It is a gut punch.

[xredshoesx]

thinking of you.  it's not now, and never has been, anything you could have ever said or done to please her/ appease her or gain her favor.  what matters is we love you and appreciate all the goodness you are.  take whatever measures you need to protect little mo and her tender heart. 

[moglow]

Well ... First time in I don't know how long I cried over it last night. Guess it needed out, maybe past time really.

Then this morning it hit me - there she is all bragging and building brother up for helping her. Entertaining her. Doesn't know what she'd do without him, while she acts like the rest of us don't exist except to serve. Last time we tried to help and be there for her, she pretended to not even know who we were. Sheds a rather different light on it, doncha think?

She may not get the last word on this one, may need to be reminded of her own actions. I just may not bite it back this time.

[bloomie]

I believe quite strongly in knowing when to speak and when to be silent. Maybe... it's time to put a stop to the emotionally manipulative, painting her children into a box of good and bad based on what they do for her rather than the beautiful souls they are by speaking.

There is also great strength in dropping the rope as well. Radio silence.

The beauty of it is you get to decide and do what is best and right for you. And we will support you every inch of the way!

[Tribe16]

For all my big words of wanting to be left alone, that's exactly what's happened and I ache with it. You truly don't expect a discard from your own mother, cold and uninterested as she may have always been. It is a gut punch.

I am so sorry you feel like this. It stings so bad. How are their brains wired that they can care so little? Moms aren't supposed to do this. I'm in therapy right now to learn how to stop ruminating on my mom. I've blocked her from social media which provided a brief relief but she pops up in other ways now, weird texts to my husband, totally indifferent on the text to her about a new great-grandchild, hearing about things she's said through other family members. If I could erase her from my brain and heart, I think I would pull the switch. But I can't seem to swing it. So I completely understand the gut punch.

[moglow]

Oh @Tribe16, I'm so sorry you understand! We also just had a new addition, my fourth great niece/her fourth greatgrand. I'm excited for the new little family, mother doesn't even mention her or any of them. I've had a few semi -friendly texts from her, that she appreciates me "trying to encourage this old woman". She totally doesn't get it - I *refuse* to glom myself down into her mire of misery. I encourage because there's so much discouragement surrounding her. Life isn't all doom and gloom unless we choose to live in that tunnel and I lived there too long. I "encourage" [more appropriately deflect from her ongoing pity party] because I just cannot with her!!

Totally get where you are.

[Tribe16]

She totally doesn't get it - I *refuse* to glom myself down into her mire of misery

I'll probably never understand why they *LOVE* being miserable and the victim. Moglow, hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving with your FOC and that you are nowhere near the mire of misery.

[moglow]

You as well, Tribe! She actually called yesterday, a bit snippy that I haven't called. Said if it wasn't for my brother she'd have wondered where I was for Thanksgiving 🙄 I've not been there for any holiday in quite a few years now, not sure where she pulled that out of. Particularly just after her last performance, there's no desire to expose myself to more. Once again in her mind I guess enough time has passed and all is forgotten? No explanation, remorse or apology, I'm supposed to just step to. NOPE.

[TimetoHeal]

moglow, how are you doing now?  I've been trying to catch up with your posts.  I'm so sorry for all you've had to deal with in the last 6 months or so.