Triggered by a nasty librarian

mary_poppins · October 16, 2024, 03:23:56 AM

Yesterday I was reading my favorite book in the library and a kid comes in. He's around 14, max 15. He asks to read the newspapers that were lying around and the librarian who was there was like 'Mm, yeah, read them.'
He then left just to come back there with another libriarian who said the kid wanted to check out the job ads in the newspapers. That librarian leaves and when he sits down, this nasty librarian starts railing on him. So why didn't you say you want to read the jobs ads? Why are you reading the job ads? You'll probably won't find any job because you have been reading those ads for a while and you're still without a job.
Why didn't you tell me you want to read the job ads? The kid: I forgot. The librarian: Oh so you're an old person who forgets all the time? Is that it?

This made my blood boil and I actually wanted to start yelling at her and verbally abuse her. She was yelling at that kid, using that condescending tone because she knew she could get away with it. (in our country, child abuse is ignored EVEN in schools!!!) I thought if I stand up and yell at her and abuse her emotionally, they would call security. So I didn't do that.

But this morning I got an anger attack and panicked when thinking back at what happened yesterday.
I hate witnessing these public abuses of kids and not do anything about it. I feel guilty and awful about it.

So I ask you: what would you have done in that situation? What would you do if you saw a mother hit a child in public? Or if someone yelled at an innocent child?

I don't know how to not yell back at the abusers, I get immediately angry and have to 'fight back'. I used to yell in the past at people who would cut in line or did something off in public but witnessing abuse is different. The anger is more intense here, it's visceral.

Call Me Cordelia · October 16, 2024, 01:07:27 PM

That would have been a perfectly appropriate time to ask to speak to the head librarian. So often intervening in front of the child, while it feels like it would be empowering, also can hurt them by making them a further target later.

Editing to add it's not to late to do something about it. Very often people will say speak directly to the person you have a problem with, but in the case of someone being abusive, that's not going to help. You can go to the person who has authority over the abuser, and be as specific as possible about what you witnessed.

notrightinthehead · October 17, 2024, 01:22:37 AM

Mary Poppins, I would not do anything if I couldn't stay calm. Yelling at a person who is already yelling has never had good results in my life. What I tend to do in a situation like that - I stare. I make the yeller aware that there is a witness. I turn towards them, maybe step a bit closer and quietly stare, while trying to keep my feelings under control. If I manage to control my boiling blood I might say something like - this is inappropriate, the newspapers are there for reading, and everybody can read whatever they want. But only if I can say that in a calm and quiet voice. And then I continue to stare. Nobody can call security for glaring.

escapingman · October 17, 2024, 03:11:06 AM

I suppose this is the next stage in the healing journey, to be able to interact with unhealthy behaviour and still stay calm. In this case with the librarian I am not sure I could have managed it, I kind of get in a state as soon as I hear a raised voice. I rather stay out of it if my only contribution would be to escalate the situation and possible be in fight or flight for hours/days.

mary_poppins · October 18, 2024, 02:41:43 AM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on October 16, 2024, 01:07:27 PMThat would have been a perfectly appropriate time to ask to speak to the head librarian. So often intervening in front of the child, while it feels like it would be empowering, also can hurt them by making them a further target later.

Editing to add it's not to late to do something about it. Very often people will say speak directly to the person you have a problem with, but in the case of someone being abusive, that's not going to help. You can go to the person who has authority over the abuser, and be as specific as possible about what you witnessed.

That's a good idea, I might just do that.

mary_poppins · October 18, 2024, 02:44:04 AM

Quote from: notrightinthehead on October 17, 2024, 01:22:37 AMMary Poppins, I would not do anything if I couldn't stay calm. Yelling at a person who is already yelling has never had good results in my life. What I tend to do in a situation like that - I stare. I make the yeller aware that there is a witness. I turn towards them, maybe step a bit closer and quietly stare, while trying to keep my feelings under control. If I manage to control my boiling blood I might say something like - this is inappropriate, the newspapers are there for reading, and everybody can read whatever they want. But only if I can say that in a calm and quiet voice. And then I continue to stare. Nobody can call security for glaring.

That's right, nobody can call security for glaring. I think I never learned how to handle my anger in non-explosive, non-abusive ways. Last time when my brother abused me, I yelled at the top of my lungs.

mary_poppins · October 18, 2024, 02:46:12 AM

Quote from: escapingman on October 17, 2024, 03:11:06 AMI suppose this is the next stage in the healing journey, to be able to interact with unhealthy behaviour and still stay calm.

Yes and I don't have the tools for that. The desire to explode in the moment is so intense, it's hard to contain it. I guess it's a learned behavior, PD parents loved unleashing their anger on us, kids, it's what they did 24/7.

1footouttadefog · October 18, 2024, 12:16:32 PM

I would have gotten involved verbally.

I would have said it's non of your business what the young man wants to read in these papers. They are owned by the public to be read by the patrons of this library. You have no right to make commentary regarding this young man's engagement with the content of the newspaper. I would then let the kid know that there are rules and guidelines regarding his privacy and access to library materials and that if she continued to bully him he or his parents could take it up with the libraries management or the county commissioners etc.

Rebel13 · October 22, 2024, 06:56:27 PM

From some bystander intervention trainings I've learned about not confronting the abuser but 1) making it very obvious you are watching and witnessing what is going on, as stated above, and 2) if it can be done safely and calmly, speaking to the VICTIM. Asking if they are OK, if they need help, etc. In this situation I might have physically put myself in between the other two, with my back to the librarian, and said to the kid that it's cool he's looking at the job ads, and if he needed help, to let me know.

(I learned the physically-getting-in-between thing from dog training, and it communicates a lot nonverbally, if it can be done safely.)