Aggressive landlady

walking on broken glass · October 16, 2024, 05:14:16 AM

So, another narcissist just entered my life, unfortunately!
I am temporarily living in another country for work reasons and I have rented a flat, which is basically the floor above the landlady's house (she lives downstairs, and she rents the two floors above her own; the person who lives on the top floor is also her friend). I didn't know her before securing the place, we had only communicated through emails and she sounded ok. When I arrived here, I realized she is a massive narcissist. She wants to be the big boss, she has an opinion about everything and she even proceeded to tell me about my work, pretending that she knows my area of research, even though she clearly has no clue. She had come into the flat to ask me something and was looking around and was asking about the changes I had made (like putting a cover over the couch, and why did I do that?). I realized early on that setting boundaries would be important. So I was polite and friendly to her but avoided her as much as I could. I went back home for a few days and came back five days ago. I had messaged her before living to let her know I would be away and when I would come back. When I arrived, I didn't see her around and I didn't make an effort to get in touch with her, because I didn't really want to (and why should I have to? She is not my friend). I bumped into the other tenant at the staircase and said hello but didn't see the landlady at all. On Sunday she was talking very loudly with the other tenant just outside the entrance to my flat and I suspect it was deliberate to force me to come out and engage with her. I simply went about my business and didn't come out. So today she sent me a very aggressive message, saying that I have to tell her when I leave and when I come back 'for security reasons' and that 'I don't need to have any other contact with her'. She is basically screaming 'why don't you like me?' pretending this is about house safety. Mind you, to begin with she hadn't even given me a key to the door of my flat because 'the main door is always locked and it is safe here'! It is so transparent, it is laughable. I wonder how I should handle the situation so that I get her off my back. I was thinking of writing back something like:
Hi [X}!
So nice to hear from you! I didn't want to disturb you when I came back, but I will keep it in mind for next time. I hope you enjoy your trip to Italy. See you soon!

It sounds breeze and friendly but doesn't acknowledge I did something wrong (because I didn't). What do you think? I am so upset and angry that I have to deal with someone like this again.

Catothecat · October 16, 2024, 09:56:02 AM

I've rented my share of places from intrusive, aggressive landlords in my time so I know what you're talking about, Broken Glass. I don't think it's solely an issue of them being a narc but also them having and enjoying a sense of power over you. Being a narc is just icing on their cake. So she's trying to assert her control, her dominance, for whatever reason and really, who cares what the reasons are? You have to deal with what she does.

In my opinion, I'd keep the second sentence of your note to her and eliminate the rest. Maybe preface it with a "Hi," but I wouldn't express any interest in her or her plans. She could too easily read that as an invitation to friendship even if you don't mean it that way. Be cordial, but not friendly. She won't like it, but you won't be giving her any reasons to act one way or another.

I also think her not giving you a key to your flat is problematic. Of course she's using it as an excuse to come into your place any time she pleases, but is it really safe? I remember when I was a kid, my grandparents lived in a flat that they had keys to, including the rear door of the building, but one night someone forgot to lock the rear door. Later, someone entered the building and started trying the doors to the apartments, including my grandparents'. Scared them to death and next day my grandmother read the riot act to her neighbors over someone forgetting to lock that door!

Defiantdaughter1 · October 16, 2024, 11:09:37 AM

If she insists it's safe, she shouldn't keep tabs on you. Ask her if there is a serial killer, etc. in the area, making it necessary for tenants to check in with her. Our local land lords and property managers keep track of their tenants' comings and goings when something like that is happening in the area. Otherwise, it's unnecessary. She insists it's safe around your flat.

walking on broken glass · October 16, 2024, 12:47:02 PM

Thank you both, Cato the cat and defiant daughter!

Quote from: Defiantdaughter1 on October 16, 2024, 11:09:37 AMIf she insists it's safe, she shouldn't keep tabs on you
Quote from: Defiantdaughter1 on October 16, 2024, 11:09:37 AMIf she insists it's safe, she shouldn't keep tabs on you.

Exactly, right?! She conveniently does not see the incongruity. I insisted on having keys so eventually she 'found' one and gave it to me.

Unfortunately, I sent the text before I saw your message, Cato the cat, but I am sure I will have more chances in the future to be less friendly... I forgot to say that in her message she also mentioned that she leaves for Italy next week 'as she had already told me' (a little bit of passive-aggressiveness there, like, look I tell you my plans), this is why I said have a nice trip. Thankfully she said she will be gone for a month, so at least I will have some peace and quiet.

When I first arrived, I came with my husband and he stayed for a few days with me. She was very nice and friendly to him, and she barely spoke to me or looked at me. Even when I addressed her, she replied looking at him. I think there is a little bit of internalized misogyny going on there too.

It's so sad that she perceives her landlady status as having some sort of power over me. But then this is what narcs do; everything is a contest for power. It's such a shame because the flat is otherwise perfect. But if she continues her shenanigans I will seek to move.

walking on broken glass · February 08, 2025, 07:06:43 AM

So, I am back here to write about my narc landlady. I have been away for a long time and now I am back to the flat, and she has been horrible. For the past two nights, she has had company (a man), and they have stayed up late playing music and talking loudly. All that on weekdays and past midnight. Of course she knows I can hear everything because my bedroom is just above her living room, and she had told me that other tenants were complaining about the TV before. I put in earphones with white noise and tried to sleep but I could still hear them, and then, to make things worse, they started having very loud sex. I could hear the moaning and the grunting, even with the earphones on. It was horrific. I know it sounds crazy but I think she is being performative. She has had a weird competition with me ever since I moved in, and when my boyfriend was here she was flirting with him and completely ignored me. I think to her mind she is showing me that she is better than me and, even though much older (she is in her 60s), she has a sex life too and is desirable. I swear I am not being misogynistic, I would not say any of these things if it was another person. But she is clearly a narcissist who enjoys her control over my life.

I did consider talking to her about the noise, since I haven't got a decent night's sleep in three days, but I think it might make matters worse. I am now thinking I need to move out. I have messaged another landlady about a flat I found, which will not be within someone's house, as is the case now, and I will have my freedom. I am dreading the moving out conversation with her but the current situation is unlivable. I am not here a lot but I don't want to feel trapped when I am here.

Catothecat · February 08, 2025, 08:58:48 AM

Sounds to me like she's trying to get you to move out! Of course, when you do (and you definitely should because life is too short to put up with BS like this) she'll act mortified and hurt which is, again, her way of manipulating you emotionally. She eagerly wants that conversation. She's setting you up for it.

This weird passive-aggression is her only way of asserting herself, of making herself feel important. She can't be honest about anything including having an honest look at herself, so she's playing these games. Of course, I really don't know any of this for certain because I don't know her, but you know...when it looks like a duck etc.

walking on broken glass · February 08, 2025, 11:45:36 AM

Quote from: Catothecat on February 08, 2025, 08:58:48 AMThis weird passive-aggression is her only way of asserting herself, of making herself feel important. She can't be honest about anything including having an honest look at herself, so she's playing these games. Of course, I really don't know any of this for certain because I don't know her, but you know...when it looks like a duck etc.

I fully agree with that!
I am not sure she wants me to move out. I think she likes having someone under her control (as she believes me to be). I was thinking how weird it is that the house is a three storey one but she chooses to rent the floor directly above her, and not the top one. Why wouldn't she want to have more privacy? She gave me the impression that she thought that by renting the flat she would also have a friend by force, someone that would not be able to turn down her company and escape her because they would live there. She has tried to get me to be that person, inviting me over for wine, offering to introduce me to a friend etc. and I kept turning the invitations down or responding very vaguely. So she knows I don't want to be her friend and she resents that. And she has turned the aggression on.
I really hope one of the other flats works out and I move out of here. I have lived for a very long time in a home where I felt like I didn't want to go in, and I was relieved when I was on my own. I really don't want to re-live that. I have already noticed that I am being hypervigilant.

Rebel13 · February 08, 2025, 05:55:18 PM

Ugh, I hope you do find somewhere better! Do you have to have the conversation? Can you write her a note or something to give notice? It sounds like (she'll make sure) you'll still run into her during the notice period and deal with her anyway though. I'm sorry.

Your story reminded me of a friend in college whose neighbor had really loud sex. When this would happen, she would play "When A Man Loves A Woman" loudly on her stereo.

Good luck with it!

walking on broken glass · February 20, 2025, 08:35:39 AM

I found a flat and I am moving out! I went to see it today, it was wonderful and I booked it on the spot. I am waiting for the landlady to come back home to tell her I am moving out at the end of next month and I am dreading her reaction. I am worried she might find a reason to keep my deposit. The contract says that I can give notice to leave 'at least three weeks before the end of the next month for important reasons', which sounds very confusing and subjective. But since I will move out at the end of March, it seems to me this is enough notice.

She has been her usual passive aggressive self the last few weeks. But the important thing is I am leaving! No more being under her surveillance!

Rebel13 · February 20, 2025, 11:14:28 AM

That's great news! It's much easier to endure, isn't it, when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Catothecat · February 21, 2025, 10:02:37 AM

Glad to hear it, Broken Glass! Yep, she may give you issues over your deposit as a way to keep controlling you even when you're gone, but don't let her make it personal. It's a legal issue, period. Don't waste any more emotional energy on her nonsense. Landlord-tenant relationships are primarily business relationships. She crossed over that boundary so now she can just cross back.

Rebel13 · February 21, 2025, 02:25:08 PM

Quote from: Catothecat on February 21, 2025, 10:02:37 AMShe crossed over that boundary so now she can just cross back.

Boom!

1footouttadefog · September 06, 2025, 11:03:55 AM

Glad to read that W.O.Broken Glass found another place and moved on from this. Sounds awful.

I imagined myself stopping her for conversation then giving her a critique on the sex I over heard. You know that part when you were yelling ABC, that took way to long you should have started XYZ or asked him to start LMNOP. I'll take more notes next time so we can chat again.