10 years of Marriage and the Lightbulb moment - in PTSD since 6 weeks

[S25K24P09]

I never imagined my life would change in this way, and all of a sudden. Ten years of marriage, and one day you realize you're married to a person who doesn't feel anything - a robot. She uses your words, thoughts, and everything that's yours against you to manipulate, control, and gaslight. Distorts reality and drives you insane. Sets your family and friends against you.

The world came crashing down one fine day when she called 911 once again and told insane lies. No charges as usual (had done twice before), but her lies and actions this time felt like someone pierced a knife in your heart and is continuously pressing deeper and deeper, wanting you to die. She set everyone against you, told lies to everyone. She staged the false 911 call, set you up, instigated you on purpose, and wanted this to happen.

The lightbulb moment - life has never been the same. All ten years of marriage fell into place, each and every dot connecting when you know you've been living a life of lies, cheat, and deceit.

It's been five weeks since, and I'm in severe PTSD. I've never thought this feeling even exists. Can't get out of it. We have a four-year-old whom I love more than anything else in the world. Running away feels like no option, but living with this newly discovered psychopath seems no option.

Convinced her for mental assessments; while I'm in PTSD, she dodged her in-person IOP program. She's 10/10 in ASPD and NPD co-occurring; her behaviors and actions speak loudly each day, each second. When you know it, you know it.

She put the whole world upside down to dodge the program and avoid official diagnosis or treatment. She's interested in marriage counseling and therapy, which I have no energy left for.

I've never felt like this before. This is like your whole self, your whole world crashing in front of you, and now you're all alone - so alone that nobody can feel or understand.

Depressed, sad, and nowhere to go. I wish this feeling on no one ever. I love my four-year-old so much; can't escape, can't live, hanging in isolation, living but not alive. Feels like I died, but I have to live now to witness how I died - to witness how she took life away, treating me like a toy.

I love her - or it was the dead me that loved her. But I live to witness the dying me, and I see I love her. The worst feeling I could have ever thought.

Alone in this dark night, and it's not a dream

[Breadroll]

Hi S25 - just saw your post

you are on the first bit of your journey out of this- 

You are no longer alone - so many of us here will recognize what you have been through- different ages, genders and parts of the world-

When I first had the lightbulb moment - nearly a decade ago - this website saved my sanity. The toolbox is brilliant - the 3cs ( you didn't cause it , can't control it or cure it)  and don't JADe- Justify argue defend or explain) trauma bonding - definitely the case for me- helps to explain the love.

Welcome - I think one of the lovely moderators says to draw up a chair by the campfire.

There is something better ahead, peace and decency, sanity and a way to navigate. Not easy, but can be done.

[Breadroll]

A postscript - advice I wish I had- marriage  counseling is pointless and actually makes it a lot worse - so it's great that you have run out of energy.

Never try to discuss what you think the issue might be with the PD. keep very quiet whilst you work out what to do next. «  everything is fine, no problem » as far as you can.

Be very very kind when talking to yourself.

[SonofThunder]

Hi S25K24P09,

So sorry you are experiencing what you describe, but glad you found your way to Out of the FOG.  We all hike these trails together, and as Breadroll well stated, find an empty chair and warm your weary feet by the fire while in friendly conversation with others who have very similar experiences. You are not alone!

See you around the boards,

SoT

[S25K24P09]

Thank you, Breadroll and SoT. This website has been a lifeline for me, and I've started following the guidelines on what to do and avoid. Your support and words mean a lot.

Since discovering my partner's personality disorder, everything has changed. Every word, even happy memories, now feel tainted. I'm constantly on alert, analyzing every conversation. It feels like living with a robot who collects information to use against me.

As I navigate this challenging journey, I seek your advice. We have a 4-year-old, and our friends are mainly connected to our child. However, I've lost interest in socializing with them. My wife desperately wants to maintain these friendships for our child's sake, which I understand. But after realizing her tactics, every social gathering scares me. I feel like she'll use everything against me.

The website emphasizes prioritizing the child's interests, but I'm unsure if that's genuinely about our child or just another manipulation. I'm comfortable with casual friendships, new acquaintances, and neighborhood connections through our child, but her eagerness to reconnect with close friends puts me in a difficult spot.

Please advise: how should I handle this situation?

[JR]

s25k24po9, sorry to hear about your finding out about your partners disorder, only advice you can get is to use this forum with others who have a similar marriage/child issue as yours and learn from them, although my personal situation is slightly different than yours i grew up in a narcissist family main antagonizers were mother,brother possible sister(enabler/covert narc) but all your words are the same as mine. I wouldnt give any info to the partner or anyone associated with them they will weaponize any of the that info against you in the future, check out some of the YOUTUBE channels like NARCDAILY and THE LITTLE SHAMAN to get more educated about what your facing and how to negotiate and also start threads hear you can freely vent here, we are all on your side and are listening and understand you.

[SonofThunder]

However, I've lost interest in socializing with them. My wife desperately wants to maintain these friendships for our child's sake, which I understand.

I'm comfortable with casual friendships, new acquaintances, and neighborhood connections through our child, but her eagerness to reconnect with close friends puts me in a difficult spot.

Hi S25,

My opinion is that its common for adult friends to form with parents of similar age children.  When my adult children were 4, they were part of a play-group with other children.  My stbx's long time friends come from the adults in this group.

My other opinion is that there is only so much time in the day, week and year and that you and your spouse are adult equals and equal in your parenting responsibilities. Yet, each of your available time for parenting responsibilities may be determined by other factors, such as employment for example. 

Since you are an adult equal, then you have full parent rights to introduce your child to experiences you believe are beneficial to raising your child.  Those experiences you choose may be different than your spouse's desires, but imo its crucial for a child to be raised with a variety of experiences.

Since you are "comfortable with casual friendships, new acquaintances", then possibly consider making some that suit you, outside of your spouses connections; possibly other fathers who want to introduce their similar aged children to other types of experiences that align with your interests. 

Again, there is only so much time, so doing so may reduce the frequency you are with your spouses friendships as you balance time with your child in your own choices. 

Imo the toolbox tab above is your answer for "I feel like she'll use everything against me.". PD's are capable of that in every setting in life, so imo, there's no getting away from that other than legally getting away from that and with a young shared child, that connection for manipulation will exist for a long time regardless. 

The toolbox is portable, so again, instead of trying to openly just reduce situations in your current lifestyle, my suggestion is you create new things for yourself.  Those new things take time and time is limited in available quantity.  No matter what, the toolbox goes with you and you practice-practice-practice the tools until they become second nature. 

SoT