Emotional Blackmail (Need Advice)

[NBRiverGuy]

Sorry this post is so long, but it was an even longer weekend.

I have not posted here in a few months because I thought things were getting better, but I realize now that I was just keeping the darkness at bay by avoiding trigger situations. Quick backstory and I'll get to where I am now.

I came Out of the FOG last January and realized that my wife is a textbook covert narcissist. It ultimately required a friend pointing it out to me before I was able to take the blinders off. She hates my whole side of the family, even though they have made infinite efforts over the past 24 years to try to let her in. Last Christmas after a particularly nasty episode, I told her that I did not care if she liked them or not, but that I would not allow her to drive a wedge any further between me, and my parents and sister, and I would no longer put up with the angry outbursts and her screaming at them. That's when she agreed to regular therapy. She'd been seeing a therapist off and on for a while, but she agreed to go regularly. After last Christmas, I set a timeline for myself and was clear about it with her. I said, "I will not go through another holiday season like that. If things don't change, I'm out." I attended her next therapy session with her and repeated this to her therapist who gave her some anger management tools and I started seeing my own therapist. I chose to believe that things were getting better because I was not being outwardly emotionally abused. The truth is, I was using tools from this site and avoiding conversations that would trigger her to contain most of her narcissistic tendencies. I've been doing that for most of our marriage unwittingly.

Fast forward to present. Back in August, my sister called and said that she wanted to bring her husband and my 4 year old niece down to visit. They live about 5 hours away, so we usually only see them during Thanksgiving and Christmas which is by design. My sister is still very much trying to make her daughter a part of my life which means that she is willing to put up with my wife's antics to a point. It's clear that my sis has learned on her own how to avoid hot topics with PDw, but if too much time goes by without conflict, my wife will say things to trap them into an uncomfortable conversation so that she has a reason to gnash her teeth.

So anyways, I spoke to her after my sister and I had settled on a date. Then, I explained to my wife that they were coming down to visit because it was important to me and that making them feel welcome, even if it is insincere, is part of the change that I need to see. They are coming in on Friday night and leaving on Sunday morning so it's less than 48 hours. She, at first, said that was fine with it and even acted somewhat excited about our niece seeing our house for the first time. (Yep. Four years old and she's never brought her down to visit if that tells you anything.)

Now, we are two weeks away and it hit the fan last weekend. Wife flew into a full-on rage on Saturday. It went on for roughly four hours, but it was basically the same thing over and over again. "Your mom doesn't like me and I want you to admit it to me right now. She took all of my pictures down. Why did she take my pictures down in her house? You need to call her and confront her about why she doesn't like me and took all of my pictures down. She needs to put some pictures of me up before I step foot in her house again. If no pictures of me are up next time we go in town, I'm going to confront her and go to a hotel. If they come in my house and disrespect me, I'm gonna lose my shit."

She was screaming so loud at one point, I honestly thought our neighbors might call the police. The one thing that came through loud and clear was that it was very important to her that I admit that my mom does not like her. Well, of course my mom doesn't like her. My wife has said some of the most god-awful hateful things to her over the years. But, my mom has always welcomed her into the house and even invites us along on vacations and pays for the room because my mother really is a very nice lady and wants to continue to have a relationship with me. Furthermore, I wasn't going to admit to my wife that my mom doesn't like her because everything you say to a narcissist becomes ammunition that they stockpile to use against you later. Well, I'm ashamed to say that I finally capitulated after about three hours of just taking the abuse and when she asked me for the hundredth time, "Does your mom like me? All you have to do is say it and this will be over." I said, "No." I would have said anything at that point to be done with the badgering. Of course, it wasn't over. Every time I tried to walk away she followed me saying different variations of the same thing. The biggest one was about a wedding picture that my wife had framed for my mom after our wedding almost 20 years. It used to be up in their house and now it's not. I would have never noticed or cared, but to my wife, this was the vindication that she needed.

This was the other trigger that started Saturday's meltdown. My mom is having knee surgery the Thursday before Thanksgiving and my father has Alzheimer's disease. My sister and I have made plans to alternately be at the hospital with my mom and babysit my dad. I discussed this with my wife back in July. I told her that I was going in on Friday night and staying through Thanksgiving. She could go with me, stay at home, or take a flight closer to Thanksgiving day and I would pick her up at the airport if she did not want to stay the full week. I thought we were all good with that, but on Saturday she started saying that it's sad that I'm a 46 year old man and my mommy still has control over me. She said, "I'm not going up there for a week. If I have to, I'll just stay in a hotel. You need to compromise and not stay that many nights."

She kept on saying, "I know this makes you uncomfortable, but we need to have this conversation." I finally said, "This has not been a conversation since I stopped talking three and a half hours ago. This is not productive and I am walking away. Do not follow me. I need space." I went to the backyard and drank a beer.

I was out there for about 10 minutes before she came out and started in hard core with the love-bombing. I was so relieved to be done with the rage that I gave into it. Again. Not proud of myself, but emotional abuse does strange things to the desire part of your brain when the abuse ends and the affection starts. Throughout all of this, I'm just thinking, I have to get out of this mess. What's my first step? Do I tell her first? Do I get a lawyer first? The ironic thing is, my dad would have been a great resource if I would have confronted this sooner. He was a family lawyer for 50 years before the dementia forced him to retire. Now, he can barely carry on a conversation. But, anyways. I thought that things had calmed down at least for the weekend until I woke up Sunday morning. As soon as I opened my eyes, she started in saying that she had been up since 4 a.m. and that she was at a breaking point and that if I left her in a hotel by herself on Thanksgiving that she might just kill herself and that the whole time I was "playing mommy's little nurse" I would have to wonder if she was dead in the hotel room. She even wrote it down before I woke up and left the note on the kitchen counter. I snapped a few pics of it before she came to her senses and ripped it up and threw it away. This is a new move for her. 

At that point, I said, "I cannot do this anymore. Any of it. I'm done." And I meant it. She did not get my meaning at all. She just went right back into her circle from the previous day. "I can't do this anymore either. Your family doesn't like me and they never have. Your mom didn't even put together a rehearsal dinner for our wedding." We did not have a traditional wedding, but that is obviously beside the point. We are coming upon our 19th anniversary and this still enrages her. I said, "I cannot live in this constant state of conflict and it is not going to get better." She responded, "Well, maybe we'll just get divorced. That would be a conflict wouldn't it?" I said, "No. That would be a resolution." She started yelling that I was the coldest person she's ever known and that I don't care about her and never do anything to show it. But then she pivoted to the idea that her dad and I are the only thing in the world that she cares about and if we leave her she won't have any reason to go on. She said she doesn't get any joy out of life anyway and I'm the only thing that matters to her. If I leave she will have no reason to live. She even explained how she would do it. I talked her down and she tried to start in with the love-bombing, but I'm proud to say that my body and mind were on the same page this time. I said that I had to take our dog to her training class which was true. When I got back, I said that I had to mow the lawn which was also true, but I carried that task almost to bedtime.

So, obviously I know I have to get out, but I don't want to push her over the edge. What do I do? I don't want her to hurt herself and I honestly don't know how veracious those threats were. A big part of me totally believes her. If anyone has any advice, I'm feeling totally helpless here.

Wow. Sorry this is so long. If you made it this far, thanks for taking the time.

[notrightinthehead]

Have you tried leaving the room, house, yard, when the rage starts? I sometimes had to drive off and sit in a  parking lot for an hour before I went back.

As for the suicide threats- at the moment they seem vague and veiled. Next time the threat is mentioned, how about you call an emergency service?

Read up JADE in the Toolbox again, it helps a lot to medium chill and avoid the circular conversations.

[square]

I once responded to a statement by saying "should I be calling 911?"

[MaxedOut]

NBRiver, I am so sorry to hear of all this, especially when your parents need you. Most of it is pretty familiar (though my SO doesn't love bomb, more a bit of nicety). With my SO, the 100% "loyalty" (agreement with her perceptions, agreement whoever is totally to blame for whatever, sharing/exhibiting anger, being willing to cut off people from my life, sometimes acting on her behalf) is the expectation. Suicide statements/threats and overdoses have become a pattern as well (especially if I leave to take cover/cool down from the abuse). And the accusations about being cold, never caring, etc.

It is awful, and sad, it grinds away at so much, and there is no positive action from within the relationship, just crisis and trade offs. My SO has threatened my life, safety, and property if I call 911 or her provider several times (more often just threatens that she will for sure kill herself). She ended up arrested last time we went to the ED for an overdose. My wife also feels she just has me and a family member (she is very isolated at this point largely due to relationship conflict).

It is not fair (and is deeply damaging) to use this type of emotional manipulation. You are not responsible for anyone else's actions when it comes to self-harm. With my therapist, I have sort of landed on "call 988" or I will need to call your Dr./911/family (and I will not be present if it feels unsafe at all).

Do you feel like you could let her dad know if/when you leave (and that you are concerned about her safety)? And without having him pressure you to remain? Does she have a psych/prescriber? You can reach pit to them with concerns/alerts even without a medical POA or disclosure agreement from your SO. If your community has mental health emergency response instead of just 911, that is generally a better option.

[escapingman]

NBRiver, what you wrote her could have been written about my ex wife down in almost exact words. She threatened suicide, she threatened she would prostitute herself, she threatened with anyhthing she could think of. I stayed for so long because I fell for all these emotional traps. In the end, as far as I know she is doing just fine 2 years after having her removed from the house. I am sure she is still the same emotional wreck, but she is still alive, working and keeping a house.

For your own sanity, please get out of this mess as soon as possible. Save yourself, you are not responsible for another human beings emotions.

[NBRiverGuy]

Have you tried leaving the room, house, yard, when the rage starts? I sometimes had to drive off and sit in a  parking lot for an hour before I went back.

That has been my MO so far, but on Saturday she hit a whole new level and screamed "Don't you dare walk away from me" and kept jumping in front of me to block my path. I was afraid to leave the house because I didn't want her to run out into the front yard and get the cops called.

As for the suicide threats- at the moment they seem vague and veiled. Next time the threat is mentioned, how about you call an emergency service?

I had my finger on the button Sunday, but I finally got her to admit "I'm not going to do anything right now, but you need to know how serious I am." I'm trying to decide who I should call to intervene before I leave. Believe it or not, she does still have a couple of friends who keep her at a distance, but have not yet completely bailed. I thought about calling one of them.

[NBRiverGuy]

I once responded to a statement by saying "should I be calling 911?"

I did say, "If you are having those thoughts, we need to find you some professional help." She got that angry look on her face and said, "I don't want to be helped."

[NBRiverGuy]

With my SO, the 100% "loyalty" (agreement with her perceptions, agreement whoever is totally to blame for whatever, sharing/exhibiting anger, being willing to cut off people from my life, sometimes acting on her behalf) is the expectation.

Ugh. I kept hearing that on Saturday too. "You are more loyal to your family than you are to your own wife." Just because I wanted to take care of my dad while my mom was recovering from surgery.

[NBRiverGuy]

You are not responsible for anyone else's actions when it comes to self-harm.

I know that in the logical part of my brain, but the empathetic part of my brain is having a hard time accepting it.

Do you feel like you could let her dad know if/when you leave (and that you are concerned about her safety)? And without having him pressure you to remain? Does she have a psych/prescriber? You can reach pit to them with concerns/alerts even without a medical POA or disclosure agreement from your SO. If your community has mental health emergency response instead of just 911, that is generally a better option.

Her dad is battling stage 3 lung cancer and he is also in the early stages of dementia, but I have thought about reaching out to her step mother. My wife definitely inherited all of this from her natural mother who died about ten years ago and my wife's step mom has talked to me in the past about similarities in their behavior. Their relationship has been strained through the years, but it is amiable enough at this point that I think she would step up if I expressed genuine concern.
She has a talk therapist that she goes to, but not a prescribing psychiatrist. I have joined her on a few appointments. I like her therapist, but I think she is in over her head with my wife. Her GP is the one who prescribes her depression meds.
I'll look into a mental health ER in my community. Thanks for all of the great advice and for sharing some of your experience. Sounds like we are unfortunate bedfellows.

[NBRiverGuy]

For your own sanity, please get out of this mess as soon as possible. Save yourself, you are not responsible for another human beings emotions.

I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist for tomorrow with the goal of putting together an exit strategy. I have met with a therapist in the past, but the goal was to salvage the marriage. I wrote on the intake form that I just want out, but I don't have the mental toughness to leave her right now. Not even after all that happened last weekend. That was the first time I had expressed that outwardly and it made me feel ashamed.

[square]

I once responded to a statement by saying "should I be calling 911?"

I did say, "If you are having those thoughts, we need to find you some professional help." She got that angry look on her face and said, "I don't want to be helped."

Sounds successful to me. Shuts it down at least temporarily, you are taking it seriously, and puts her on the back foot.

[NBRiverGuy]

Sounds successful to me. Shuts it down at least temporarily, you are taking it seriously, and puts her on the back foot.

Thank you for the reassurance.