Selfish entitlement

[Bdb89207]

Hi everyone,

I've been no contact with my NPD mother for about four years now. After years of emotional neglect, verbal, emotional,  financial,  and physical abuse, I realize this has been the hardest yet best decision I've ever made.

Due to her selfish entitlement,  she still feels entitled to know about and be involved in my life matters as much as she can so she reaches out Occasionally by delivering messages through family members (I've blocked plenty for allowing themselves to be used in this way), sending mail, and even creating fake accounts and phone numbers to message my husband and I on various platforms.

She recently found out through other family that I was previously connected to that my husband and I are expecting our first child. Now she seems to feel extra entitled to be a part of my life and has begun to try to reach out through any means possible more frequently.

Most recently, she messaged my husband from a fake phone number saying she was going to be in town and asked of the 3 off us could meet up to talk about everything.  When he didn't respond,  she reached out to a cousin of mine asking her to text the message to me.

Anyway, I'm extra sensitive to protecting my peace and eliminating my stress during this pregnancy and this unwanted nonsense is really annoying me.

I want so badly to text her and tell her to leave us alone and that I never want to talk to her again, but I'm concerned giving her attention will only play into her antics.

Any recommendations from you all about whether or not to tell her off for good?

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello,

You have a few options, but it does depend on what you think she will do and how she might react.

The term for what she is doing is hoovering. Trying to suck you back in to contact with her. And you are so right, she feels extra entitled to be in your life since you are having her grandchild.

I held my ground when my FOO did their hoovering (they still try a few things every so often). No contact was for my sanity and it was my decision.

Some narcissists give up the hoovering after a while and some persist with it.

Thankfully, I think most hospitals are quite familiar by now, with turning people away who are not invited and welcome into the room after you've had your baby.

I never did tell mine off in a direct way - I got hoovered a bit and I denied them access to me and my FOC each time. Just like you have done so far. Good for you for blocking relatives who let themselves to be used as flying monkeys for her. I am sorry you are having to do this but it is what I had to do as well and I do not regret the NC one bit. All I regret is not going NC sooner.

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Another term for it is harassment. And it's illegal. I'm so sorry this your mother. And I'm so sorry your other family members have gone along with her outrageous behavior. If she hasn't given up after four years and is doubling down now that there is a baby in the picture, it's possibly time to bring in the big guns.

In my own situation, we sent a cease and desist letter via certified mail to my parents threatening legal action if they try to contact us by any means whatsoever. I also sent copies to my siblings and some choice people who were being enlisted as flying monkeys. It worked beautifully. All the mail and attacks by proxy evaporated. I don't know exactly why it worked, so of course I can't guarantee this result. It also had the effect of evaporating every last tenuous connection I had to my FOO and entire hometown, but it appears you may be on that path already. I hope this helps, if only to hear from someone who has been there.

And congratulations! You will probably find that your desire to be a good mother and protector of this little life will be a guiding star as you navigate these NC waters. That's definitely been true for me.

[mary_poppins]

I think your intuition is right. Responding to her will make things worse for you so don't respond.
Your intuition is good, it's what made you realize you need to go no contact with your mother.
Someone once said in a support group that there's nothing worse for a narcissist than your silence. Silence is also a powerful weapon. They can't do anything about your silence.
ps: Unless she knows where you live and can pop up at any time (I really hope she doesn't), I don't see why keeping silence and continuing to live your life is not a good idea.