I'm the new guy

[AbusedHubby]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here. I just discovered this site on the Reddit BPDLovedones group. This seems like the perfect place for me!

My wife of ~20 years was diagnosed with BPD last year after I discovered her third affair.  This affair was much worse than previous affairs. We have 3 young children.  I chose to stay and her behavior has only worsened.  She often gets dysregulated multiple times per day and typically becomes abusive to me during her episodes.  She's always done this and since her last affair it is more frequent and more extreme.

I realize I shouldn't share specific personal info so I'll just say we live in the Southeastern US.

I'm so glad I found this site and I can't wait to meet others here and learn more!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are amongst people who understand. When you say abusive towards you, what do you do when this happens?  Do you leave the room, the house, call for help, or try to fight back? Are your kids around when the abuse happens? Is there abuse of the kids too?

[Rebel13]

Welcome! I hope you are able to find help and useful advice here.

Please also check out https://www.chumplady.com/; she writes extensively about infidelity and personality disorders, and there's a great group of commenters there who will understand what you are going through. I think there's also a Facebook and/or Reddit group.

All the best to you.

[JR]

welcome aboard, hope you can find some peace through info from like minded people on this site

[AbusedHubby]

Welcome! You are amongst people who understand. When you say abusive towards you, what do you do when this happens?  Do you leave the room, the house, call for help, or try to fight back? Are your kids around when the abuse happens? Is there abuse of the kids too?

I used to engage her. Now I leave the room. If that's not enough then I leave the house. As for abusing the kids..the kids are sometimes nearby when she says inappropriate things and she's recently said things like "Daddy doesn't love Mommy" in front of the kids or to them when she's upset. 

Advice is welcome!

[AbusedHubby]

Welcome! I hope you are able to find help and useful advice here.

Please also check out https://www.chumplady.com/; she writes extensively about infidelity and personality disorders, and there's a great group of commenters there who will understand what you are going through. I think there's also a Facebook and/or Reddit group.

All the best to you.

I'm familiar with Chump Lady and she's great! I learned from her that my wife has a very difficult time showing true remorse. She has the "faux" version of remorse.

[bloomie]

AbusedHubby - welcome to Out of the FOG. Things sound seriously hard with a lot of considerations to make as you figure out the best way forward in your marriage to mitigate the abusive and disrespectful behaviors toward you that your children are bearing witness to and being impacted by right along with you.

You have found a group of people who understand and who will support you. I am thankful you have found us.

The toolbox at the drop down menus above is a place to find insights and strategies for specific behaviors you encounter. Take some time to empower yourself there and find strategies that work best for you.

The foundational work of developing a core set of values that specifies what does and does not work for you in relationship with others - what you stand for and what your stand on - is well worth the effort ime because from that place you build boundaries for yourself and respectful responses when those boundaries are violated. And then you live those those limits and boundaries out.

Knowing your own worth and confidently living from that knowledge and then communicating from that secure place is something that those of us who have been torn down and betrayed have to grapple for. And we will walk with you as you do this work and cheer you on your journey!

Settle in, look around, and when you are ready join the conversations on the boards!

[SonofThunder]

AbusedHubby - welcome to Out of the FOG. Things sound seriously hard with a lot of considerations to make as you figure out the best way forward in your marriage to mitigate the abusive and disrespectful behaviors toward you that your children are bearing witness to and being impacted by right along with you.

You have found a group of people who understand and who will support you. I am thankful you have found us.

The toolbox at the drop down menus above is a place to find insights and strategies for specific behaviors you encounter. Take some time to empower yourself there and find strategies that work best for you.

The foundational work of developing a core set of values that specifies what does and does not work for you in relationship with others - what you stand for and what your stand on - is well worth the effort ime because from that place you build boundaries for yourself and respectful responses when those boundaries are violated. And then you live those those limits and boundaries out.

Knowing your own worth and confidently living from that knowledge and then communicating from that secure place is something that those of us who have been torn down and betrayed have to grapple for. And we will walk with you as you do this work and cheer you on your journey!

Settle in, look around, and when you are ready join the conversations on the boards!

Another warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  See you around the boards.

SoT

[Rebel13]

She has the "faux" version of remorse.

Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse!!  LOL. 

[NBRiverGuy]

Welcome AH. This is a very supportive group and a great place to vent. You'll get some great insight and advice here. Try to consider all of it; especially the things that are tough to admit to yourself. I'm also in almost a 20 year marriage to a uBPD. I only learned about this site and personality disorders in general last January, but I feel more camaraderie with many of these anonymous posters than I do with my close friends.

Something that really helped me when I first arrived here was just going through the various threads and reading. I probably spent the better part of a week just reading people's stories before I even joined. It made me feel much less alone in my situation. 

[Defiantdaughter1]

I'm so sorry. No one deserves to endure that kind of treatment. The children are sometimes the ones who suffer the most.

She needs therapy.