This time of the year again

[escapingman]

I am struggling again, the holiday season is coming up and birthdays at the same time. The expectations of presents and giving and everything is taking its toll on me. For example my parents, neither has been any support what so ever during the 2.5 years since I split from uNPDxw just sent money to my account for both DD and DD2 and let them know so. I am VERY hesitant with money and giving to DD2 as she has told DD in the past that she just gives the money to uNPDxw, or if she keeps it she just stash it in the account as she is not really allowed to spend any. I am not sure if I am unreasonable but I think without having any clue about what is going on that it is quite disrespectful to do so without mentioning it to me. I was planning to get the money they sent and keep it safe for DD2 until she is 18 and legally an adult, alternatively buy something big that she would need that uNPDxw would never buy her.

I am not sure if this is the last piece I want to or can control regarding DD2 but they now made impossible. Should I just let this one too go and have zero influence in her life? I am already struggling with her birthday and X-mas lists as the items she asks for is very likely going to be going straight to her mum. She asked for some clothes for example, not what I would say clothes for a teenager but when I asked about the size she gave me the size of uNPDxw and not her own (as far as I can tell and confirmed by DD).

In general I am doing really well, DD is doing very well and us on our own are doing very well. But as soon as others start poking into our lifes we are both struggling. DD has activities 7 days a week, no one helps so I am literally either working or driving her around. Now my dad will actually come to see us, he is retired and can manage 3 days (I specifically asked him to stay longer). He know asks in a passive aggressive way if he is allowed to stay in our house, I can only imagine what accusations he will come up with for what has happened the last years after I stopped falling into line with FOO. He is also expecting me to pick him up at the airport, we live 10 minutes away and a taxi is both faster and cheaper than the parking charges in the collection, DD is having an activity as well at the time he lands.

Sorry for the rant, I just want to be left alone from all expectations and accusations of doing whatever others think I should do. 

[escapingman]

By writing this down I kind of found the answer to my own frustrations. I have to let go and at the same time put up boundaries. I can't control what DD2 does with whatever she has, she has her own free will and until she sees what is going on I have no say. She has asked for a few unreasonable requests lately, I am pretty sure it's actually uNPDxw that is telling her what to write in the message if not writing it herself. No is a full sentence, I don't need to explain why I say no. It's hard when its your own daughter, but I can't leave her with power over me. I will always be there for her, but not as a "slave" that does anything she asks for. I am already feeling much better having processed this. When it comes to FOO they can think what they want, if my dad starts playing up I just leave the conversation.

[SonofThunder]

Hi EM,

Sorry you are struggling as the holidays approach, but glad to read you are going to let go and self-protect with proper boundaries so you are not needlessly spending energy trying to micro-manage others actions (or their gifts).

I understand your words regarding "no", but at the same time, I enjoyed using "no" as a chance to (in business-like fashion) teach my children WHY I said "no". 

I also had this rule for myself regarding my non-adult kids:

If I am able say yes, I say yes.  If I must say no, I say no.  I will explain my 'no' in a way that teaches my child the very logical reason I must say no. 

Imo, by my doing this, my kids received a glimpse into the very practical decision-making of a parent.  I believe when they become parents, both yes and no become healthy and wise responses based on the unique circumstances of their choices.  Yes and no are not decisions made in haste because a parent is busy or tired or something other than truth. 

Hoping your coming months are peaceful,

SoT

[escapingman]

SoT, what she asked for is so unreasonable and farfetched and could only have been cooked up by someone twisted (uNPdxw). If I try to explain it will be used as ammunition to start an argument that uNPDxw have been longing for for a long time. But I might call the bluff and say yes, not decided yet.

[NBRiverGuy]

Most people's favorite time of year. For someone living with a PD person, it's their worst nightmare.

[MaxedOut]

Escapingman is there maybe a gift card that would be great for DD2 but less likely to work it's way to your card (Apple Music, XBox, clothing store GC, etc.)?