New toxic in-laws and Christmas

Hattie · November 05, 2024, 04:51:37 AM

Hi all, It's that time of year again-PDmas! So festive.

My boyfriend of 6 months has invited me to his family home for Christmas and I feel really anxious as his family sound quite toxic. I think I might turn down the offer. His granny will be hosting. She sounds lovely but has early stage dementia so needs quite a bit of care. She probably won't be able to stay in her house much longer, hence my boyf's keenness to spend one last holiday season there before she goes into a home. His cousin is currently living with the granny and looking after her. The cousin also sounds lovely but has an abusive boyfriend who recently set fire to her stuff during a disagreement. I really don't want to have to spend my Christmas with this guy as he sounds deranged. Plus there is my boyf's toxic uncle and alcoholic mum who may or may not be be there.... I sense an impending s**tshow.

My boyf and I are in a long distance transatlantic relationship so if I do go, it'll have to be for a week or two. Also he lives a 3h flight across the US from his family so we'd be spending the duration with his family. It's really unfortunate we can't practically just pop in for a few hours or a couple of days.

I think my boyfriend would just love to have a magical Christmas but it strikes me as wishful thinking in context. I'm also a bit annoyed with him for not seeing how stressful this would be for me.

I'm LC with my FOO as they are abusive, and the last thing I want is another crazy family to deal with! I guess I just have to say no, but am looking for some reassurance, compromises or ideas for how to talk to boyf about it....

Thanks!

square · November 05, 2024, 07:27:17 AM

My take is that I get his desire to do the last Christmas with grandma at home. And you don't need to be there.

I think it doesn't have to be a big deal. It's a new relationship. You guys can spend Christmas together next year and every other year after if it works out.

I'd encourage him to go and be there for his grandmother.

Hattie · November 05, 2024, 10:35:41 AM

Thanks Square, that is a helpful perspective! I think it all feels a bit loaded as we don't get much time together, and I'd thought he was going to do thanksgiving with his folks and Christmas at mine. ( as a brit, I don't really do thanksgiving) So I'm a bit thrown. But it's sweet he cares about his granny and wants to be there for her

Rebel13 · November 05, 2024, 12:40:45 PM

Hi Hattie,

The blogger Captain Awkward has a lot of posts with scripts for how to approach difficult conversations. I remember there was one not that long ago about how to discuss travel plans and preferences.

I agree with square that you can express whatever feelings you have to your boyfriend and listen to his, but also not feel obligated to participate in something that you believe will be uncomfortable for you. There is lots of time for that. I hope you plan a holiday for yourself that is exactly as you'd like!

Best wishes.

bloomie · November 05, 2024, 09:40:03 PM

Hattie - a week or two with people who complete strangers to you is a lot. Now add in a boyfriend who sets fires, alcoholic mother and toxic uncle and that just sounds like a holiday you will never forget... and maybe not in a good way.

It is never fun to disappoint someone and to see them go off with high hopes for a beautiful family holiday that may not be based in reality. And if he is tone deaf to the huge ask this is for you that is important information to tuck away as you get to know each other better.

Saying no seems like a very wise choice.

Call Me Cordelia · November 06, 2024, 02:42:29 AM

I think you expressed yourself very rationally and clearly here. Good for you for putting your own needs ahead of pleasing somebody else. I also think your annoyance at your BF's failure to appreciate what a big thing he's asking of you in time, money, and stress here is a very healthy thing.

Rebel13 · November 06, 2024, 05:33:29 PM

Quote from: bloomie on November 05, 2024, 09:40:03 PMIt is never fun to disappoint someone and to see them go off with high hopes for a beautiful family holiday that may not be based in reality.

Haha, excellent point, and when he returns, he may see the sense in Hattie's reasoning more than he does right now.

treesgrowslowly · November 09, 2024, 10:04:54 AM

His reaction to you when you tell him that you are not able to join him for this trip to his family, will tell you a lot about him. In new relationships, these reactions help us to see how this person deals with being told "no".

I say this, as someone who has been there myself. The fantasy of the better holiday with his family, because I was NC with mine. I had that 100%. You are way ahead of me and where my head was at that first year because I went to the family Sh*tshow instead of realizing what you've already realized - this is not going to be good for me. Instead of telling my new dating partner this, I went to the sh**show and it was not good for me.

If you know you don't want to go, you can say "thanks for the invite but I"m going to do my own thing this year" and as others have said, you can let him know that you totally understand and support his desire to spend this holiday with his grandmother.

Trees

Defiantdaughter1 · November 19, 2024, 05:35:11 PM

There happens to be a stomach virus going around. Make up an excuse. You don't want to get involved with those people.

If you decide to go, you'll have to detach and go into a dissociative state like I had to when visiting certain family members. It takes practice. It's not easy.