Ack-Unexpectedly Seperated

[bloomie]

MaxedOut - thankful for your update and so glad you are experiencing a respite! Your focus on the day to day seems grounding and very wise!

[square]

That does indeed sound hopeful. As you said, not because you expect it will just continue to mellow, but because even though she will likely cycle again there appears to be an overall trend toward progress - that hopefully her next anger cycle will be a bit less, that she will calm down again after, and so on.

Also it would appear that she may not have the emotional consistancy and drive to destroy you. Threaten, yes, lash out, yes, cause some damage here and there, yes, but no crafty prolongued campaign of total destruction.

Hoping your day was ok.
 

[MaxedOut]

Thanks, Square and Bloomie. I downshifted planned stuff repeatedly today as I apparently needed to just cycle between the bed and couch. Back at it tomorrow but really needed to listen to my weary body, mind, and heart.

[NBRiverGuy]

Yellow rocking as Dr. Ramani would say (SO is BPD traits, not NPD, but much of Dr. Ramani's stuff still helps).

I had not read about yellow rocking before. That comes much more naturally to me.

[Rebel13]

Back at it tomorrow but really needed to listen to my weary body, mind, and heart.

Hooray for taking care of yourself!

[MaxedOut]

Things have been a little up and down with SO but she is trying to curb messages and such. It is still mostly self-focused, but the impact to her is enormous. It is a very strange emotional place to be in right now-and strange literal place to be, living in a furnished temp rental (I have not rented in ~25 years).

I had some moments yesterday of sort of normal fun with pets. I can feel my nervous system calming from the break and starting to mellow from years of being hypervigilant (trying to get good sleep every night). I had anticipated this a bit as I had started noticing the past few years how different it would feel if I was traveling alone or even leaving the house for a night but safe in a hotel or something (a close friend even commented on it earlier in the year that after a few days away "you seem a lot calmer").

But there is also grief, missing her/aspects of our life, relief, disconnection/detachment, guilt, hope, etc. My head is still in her reality a lot but also in mine a lot. The flurry of near term activity needs that left me physically wrecked and mentally strung is a phase that is winding down now.

I am not a crisis/drama lover by nature, but have been in the world of perpetual urgent things and mood swings for years, so we will see if my brain relaxes into the calm or gets antsy. I have read a bit on trauma bonding but recommendations are welcome. I am having a hard time reading books that were really helpful in the lead up but the Dr. Ramani podcast is something that is helpful and reality checking (though my SO is borderline traits).

After some especially nasty, abusive, and physcially scary things last year I intentionally spent time getting used to the idea that I may need to leave and leave abruptly and leave everything behind (house, pets, possessions, her, in-laws, etc.). That was super valuable now that I have left. When the baseline mental preperation was a posibility of running with a go-bag and starting over, having my SO immediately and permanently split black, thinking through potential smear campaign stuff... anything better than that feels good and like a place for gratitude. And it makes seeing the softer messaging from her stand out more than the awful stuff (not in a way that is hooking me or anything, but in a way that will likely help make this go more smoothly than it could).

[escapingman]

I have never been a good reader, but I love listening to audiobooks. I have a few recommendations on top of the normal ones.

In no particular order but these books have helped me immensely.
- The human magnet syndrome by Ross A Rossenburg
- The myth of normal by Gabor Mate
- The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk
- Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
- Codependency for dummies by Darlene Lancer
- A cult of one by Richard Grannon

[MaxedOut]

Thanks for the recommendations escapingman. I have been meaning to check out the body keeps the score for ages.

[MaxedOut]

I am enjoying reading The Body Keeps the Score, escapingman. I was not expecting it to be by threat assessment folks - super interesting. And helpful in also understanding more about my SO (who does have a childhood trauma history).

Well - I am now more than two weeks out.

Communications from uBPDW have been mixed but without another super-long period of dysregulation and with some nicer stuff (not hoovering or anything). This is tough stuff. My emotions are all over the place from period of light, happiness that have been rare lately to missing my spouse, life, etc. to sudden onsets of anxiety (I have developed anxiety and panic attacks during my marriage) to numbness to more processing the relationship as abusive and traumatic to guilt and sadness over my SO's situation given struggles and diabilities.

The acts and tasks of untangling are spurring emotions that are all over the map, form elation and deflation and peace to panic. I just filled out a rental agreement background check to extend my stay at the BnB/mid-length rental I have been in and jut burst into tears filling it out. I am wracked with guilt and empathy about my SO being alone on Thanksgiving. I nearly had a panic attack in the few minutes I was in a meeting room to meet a lawyer.

And... I haven't had any doubts about the decision. It's just hard. Being on the other side and past the most immediate scrambling means there is more space for grief and sadness and caring compared to what I needed to focus on the past year or two. That was largely about radical acceptance, seeing the reality of my situation (whew, abuse amnesia is a thing!), what I want/need, and the transition from focusing on my SO and trying to understand/manage/mitigate her reactions and moods while juggling a lot of caregiving to myself.

I also almost cried today thinking "oy yeah, that vacation my parents mentioned a while back that they want to do together... I can just say yes and have fun." That emotions came from feeling the weight and lifting of the weight of all the missed connections, relationships, and activities I have cut off over the years and the incredible level of consideration, negotiation, stress of trying to do stuff like that when it did seem worth the trouble (and the loss of enjoyment from knowing how stressful stuff like that was to my SO).

[MaxedOut]

Edit to above book reference. I am also reading The Gift of Fear. That has the threat assessment firm (mix up).

[square]

Glad to hear you're hanging in there.

It does seem like overall the cycles are trending toward something a bit calmer, though I do understand it isn't actually calm.

My emotions are all over the place too. Can relate. And it's not quite what I'm used to. Have burst into tears several times despite not being a crier. I've had anxiety bursts, though thankfully no panic attacks. I also don't really feel real, though not in the adrenaline way where things are brighter, nut things are dimmer and more numb. I also just feel really sad.

And, like you, when I consider going back - nope. Really sad, but nope.

My amnesia hasn't lifted at all, though.

Can relate to your feelings realizing you are free to do that vacation, but that happened to me (and DD) when DD got her drivers license. We were gobsmacked by not being trapped - we could go somewhere, and not even get yelled at. We went to a discount clothing chain and had to fight off the feeling that we'd better hurry up, DD enjoyed thumbing through the racks at leisure. (She never got to go at all before, but knew if she did there would be huffing and sighing to hurry her).

I'm hoping I can rebuild one connection and find new ones too. Still too busy to really start yet though.

Keep going.

[MaxedOut]

Yes, Square, it is a whole lot of emotions including numbness.

I spent some time with a couple of friends watching a game today and it was weird not to have a cycling worry about how late it was, whether I'd been gone too long, what expectations I set about how long I'd be there, feeling guilty about being able to go hang with friends (since she both has few connections and is not comfortable going anywhere), maybe taking a photo to text share ostensibly as a "having fun, friends say hi" but also to show I am where I say and it's mellow, not some living it up party that will stir up more resentment.

My nervous system has quieted a great deal from not living with SO, catching up on sleep, and not juggling a bunch of roles. That's super good. It has made more clear, though, stuff like thinking about her, next steps, communications can pretty much instantly start up anxiety, heart rate increase, sometimes palpitations, etc.

I will try to work through that stuff in the coming months, and I think time, space, not being married, and getting geographic distance will help. But, it is also not the land of the logical mind in charge here. It's well worn survival tracks from being in an unpredictable, volatile, abusive, situation. I made the deal with myself that if it continues and is beyond my current toolset to address, that means a trauma therapist, EMDR, or something specific to help autonomic nervous system reactions needs to happen.

Most of amnesia lifting for me is actually looking back at records. But opening up about stuff to others does sometimes spark other associations.

It is a very strange space.

[MaxedOut]

Ugh, draft lawyer documents arrived and the messages are now rolling in from ex. I'm nauseous as the hateful texts and emails. She insisted on knowing what the terms were ASAP, which makes the timing suck (day before Thanksgiving in the US). I held a boundary on it coming from my lawyer as she has misinterpreted other stuff since splitting.

[bloomie]

I would be nauseous, too! Hold steady, MaxedOut.

[MaxedOut]

First holiday. Sad to know she is probably spending it alone and in pain. And also... Thanksgiving used to be a holiday with my extended family but SO had a hard time with that and one year perceived herself as being attacked for quitting a job and we/I never went again, which mostly cut me off from half of my extended family. Like others here, holidays have become a hugely stressful time. That will be the case this year, but I am pretty sure it won't be next year. I have missed cousins, aunties, uncles.

The papers arriving did not go well. But things quieted down. We'll see what the next few days look like. I have been keeping up with therapists' appointments (I have two, because all the things).

As I went through specific wording with the lawyer—not substantive things but just stuff that might be triggering, I thought "If this wraps up fairly quickly and my lawyer is left thinking I was a worry wort and maybe I have some anxiety issue or something going on, we will have a major success." It may still be quick but the lawyer has now seen some of the stuff in action.

[Rebel13]

Best of luck to you! You are doing a hard thing and it sounds like you are making plenty of time to feel all the feels, along with doing all the things.

Regarding the situational anxiety from relationship trauma, following the practice outlined in this video helped me the most. It is deceptively simple.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcoIE3Yiaw0&list=PLiUrrIiqidTVqab7pZivzb-e-tMA8qjd-&index=22

I feel like I bring this up here all the time  but honestly I can't believe the progress I've made in managing myself and my reactions in 6-7 months.

Hang in there. I'm so glad you are getting yourself to a space of safety and peace and reconnecting with folks you've been separated from.

[MaxedOut]

Thank you for the video, Bloomie. I will start integrating the check ins and check out the earlier units. I have been focusing on overall system down regulation and less frequent but longer body check ins/breathing/etc. I need to do this more intensive, briefer type of reset. And use more tools for the responses (I have been relying on a couple old standbys but used to use many more when the anxiety was really bad).

The second half made me think about an interesting reality. I've done a fair amount of mindfulness work to manage anxiety and ANS response in this relationship.

I *was* a super laid back person, like the one in the group (whether work or friends or whatever) who everyone would identify as chill, focused but calm in situations that are pressured or scary, the one who mentors younger staff of responding in high stakes/high risk situations.

The PD behaviors and mood disorder crises have degraded so much of this. The cracks started during a months-long manic then mixed manic episode my STBex had a decade ago. That I have known for years. In the past year or two I have realized (even tested a bit) that my spouse gets triggered by me being calm when she is experiencing anxiety/panic/catastprophization. And she can't tolerate that. And it is a large part of her life. It does not matter if I am fully listening, engaged, and dedicated to helping/figuring stuff out/comforting.

If I am not also amping up and getting anxious, it translates into me not caring, not validating, not hearing her, and not wanting to help. That isn't ok with her and and further dysregulated/escalates. That results, sooner or later, in me starting to get anxious (for totally different reasons now, like getting verbally attacked, stuff getting thrown, having no way to help calm things, etc.).

It's like the mirror side of BPD "feelings equal facts" and the discomfort with individual-ness. If I am not in lizard brain state, I am clearly not getting what is going on.

What this video made me realize is my former laid back-ness is probably a major part of us being in a long term relationship. It was steady and comforting to her. I didn't get rattled like others, so early stuff was not a particularly big deal. I probably could see the positive effect of my vibe for her, making me feel good, useful, and in what I'd later learn is wise mind.

We didn't live together the first 4 or so years. So that difference in temperament was not a round the clock contrast. As often happens for many couples, whether any PD is involved that contrast that was attractive and positive then became a big problem (with compounding interest).

[square]

Months-long mania? Yikes. H had a mania lasting maybe a week or so and... oh boy, my nerves were totally shot.

I am familiar with the experience of someone freaking out and feeling like you don't care because you are not matching them. And yet those people are drawn to us because we are calm.

Sometimes I have predicted disaster and it did not come about. But sometimes I've been right on the money. I agree, I'd rather look like a worrywart and be wrong - but it's even better when people get that you have a reason to worry.

[MaxedOut]

I just realized that I'm not the only one feeling much less anxiety.

Relocation was hard on the two kitties but it has been three weeks and they have settled in.

One was prone to anxiety-based dominance type stuff, including hissing, growling, controlling space. It was usually something daily, and we could tell when the  feliway diffuser ran out (a calming hormone). The other cat was prone to moving around fast, darting to get places often (a high "prey" awareness). She also would mostly only let my SO pet her when it was "safe" as in not contexts when she'd be loud/angry/unpredictable (e.g., going to the bathroom).

Now part of this is about cat dynamics, I am sure, as we split up the cats.

But I also know we all, we creatures in that house, were hyper vigilant and rattled by anger, outbursts, etc.

I just noticed the Feliway diffuser is empty and I can't remember the last hissing from the one....

And other than a couple of truly startling things and strangers, the other has only run and darted in play...

Wow.

[MaxedOut]

Yeah, Square, it was the first full manic episode since well before we met. And it was a world-upending doozy.

She has been on mood stabilizers and anripsychotics since, so nothing quite like that. But it took months of different med combos and attempts to even begin getting her back towards baseline