Ack-Unexpectedly Seperated

[MaxedOut]

Hi all,

I won't go into the details but uBPw has been cycling up again. An outburst Monday led to me staying at a hotel, lots of texts from SO, a dissappointing discussion, and later demands to know whether I am leaving... and I said yes.

I had made emergency leaving plans given prior safety concerns and more extreme outbursts. I had been mentally preparing myself about likely needing to leave but on a different timeline. It has set off a barrage of texts and calls (heartbreaking, angry, threatening, accusatory, suicidal, all the things).

I am panicking. I can't focus long enough to do any productive steps (looking at places to stay, etc.). The reality this unrewindable path that will be really freaking hard and the storm of PD reactions and the general crappy state of my nervous system after years of being with a PD are just keeping me in an anxiety state. I checked back on my emergency plan and luckily that stuff is all OK, but I don't have much stuff, there are all sorts of loose ends.

How did you all deal with the first few hours/days and the pain the SO is feeling (and the firestorm of behaviors)?

I have a therapy appt later today. 

[escapingman]

I blocked her on all ways she could reach me and only communicated through divorce lawyers. No contact is the only way, as long as you keep contact she will get into your head.

Keep safe and you get this. Well done for leaving!

[notrightinthehead]

Me too, I blocked him on my phone and his emails went to a separate folder, which I forced myself not to open. You are in shock, you need to be kind and patient with yourself. By now you have seen your therapist, hopefully you feel a little calmer. Clarity of mind took a while for me to come back. Do you have any social network you can lean on? People to have tea with? Just doing normal, every day things? Do you have times during the day where you do routine things? Work, sports, cook? This helped me a lot to just feel that life goes on and can be banal and boring. Which I found re-assuring.
I am sending you strength for the next weeks, you will need it.

[square]

Hugs. It sounds like you are under a lot if pressure right now.

You could consider short term medication. Beta blockers keep the heart rate from going too high and therefore makes people feel calmer. Or short term anti anxiety meds like klonopin or xanax can take the edge off. I'm not big on pharmaceuticals but if 5 pills get you over this hump, let's go.

Another help may be a short amount of time. Is it ok if you take a few days to process and self care and get clarity? Or are you in a position where you've got to roll on your to do list immediately?

I agree with EM that blocking all communication is necessary. She will be provoking your panic and she knows how to do it. Centering yourself is vital right now.

You're going to get through this. You can do this.

[SonofThunder]

Hello MaxedOut. 

Well done on saying "yes" to leaving.  Just doing that took a strong backbone and so use it as a catalyst for saying yes to yourself even more going forward.

Firestorm of behaviors?  Just use the toolbox like you would normally, as you can only control yourself.

Front end emotions are high to be expected.  Consider the front end as heavily stirred up seas at the beach.  Float up the frequent, tall waves, over the top and back down, over and over again.  The key imo is floating with them in expectation, not fighting them.  Time will reduce the wave height and frequency and you still just keep floating, practicing self care, further strengthening your backbone and thickening your skin. 

SoT

[MaxedOut]

Thank you all. I have not had the therapist visit yet. I did run a couple of errands and talk to a freind who is also a family law attorney. It was good to be doing something and helpful to chat with the friend (both as far as revealing something hidden for years to a symathetic buddy and in terms of a bit of guidance). The guidance helped with clarifying a bit on what not to do next. Of course the calls and texts (and a few emails) kept coming. I am not quite yet looking to go no contact but calling referred lawyer shortly.

Breathe.

If I had any doubt about dreading her reaction, this pretty much confirms it. And also confirms that last bit of wondering about being more clear about behaviors I will not subject myself to any longer (while she listened OK for a bit during a talk last night it quickly went back to emotional manipultion, abusive behaviors, escalation, etc.).

[Rebel13]

Sending you strength and best wishes MaxedOut! This is such a hard time. If you can, try to do the nicest things for yourself that you can think of. Things you just love, that bring you tons of comfort and happiness. Treat yourself the way you would want your best friend to treat herself during a difficult breakup. This is a major life event and you deserve to surround yourself with all the kind and gentle messages, thoughts, sensations and activities you can manage.

Take good care of you!

[MaxedOut]

JFC, the messaging... I had the dates mixed up and my therapy appointment is tomorrow.

[MaxedOut]

Just realized I posted this in the wrong topic. Anyway, she must be sleeping (hopefully not overdosing) as the messaging stopped. It is so hard to break out from their mental construct. I keep having to remind myself:
- I have to care for my survival
- Just because I have been steeped in her blame, anger, and emotional manipulation for years does not mean I have done something monstrous
- leaving suddenly feels so unnatural and jarring and I know it is the only way; this isn't a rational playing field like other breakups
- it is also possible ok to feel really empathy for the pain, misery, and fear she is going through and how tough things will be with her disabilities and isolation, while also not fixing it by going back into a situation that will not function in a way that is healthy for me.
- I got baited into reassuring/clarifying things too many times today (no, not cheating; no, this isn't about your disabilities a caregiving, no I don't hate you, etc.). I did not feel comfortable no-JADEing given that this was super abrupt (a bit of FAFO there for her).
- There will never be an explanation that makes it ok, and true to form the clarifications often then got twisted into new lines of questioning.
- She will split like crazy, and likely cement a truly dark character/caricature of me. The part that often hooks me is the projecting onto me that I think she's worthless, terrible, unlovable, and that I never loved her, etc. I still do love her and care about her. I need to remind myself there is nothing I can do about that (the series line "your fight is over" for fallen fighters popped in my head about that a few times today). I have seen her split on enough people.

It was helpful to look back over notes I made from before, the abuse amnesia is not as strong as it used to be but that helped. And the step-away view of just looking at the torrent of abusive messages today and remembering a couple of days ago having to calm myself from having panic attacks just waiting to talk (not thinking about breaking up or anything - just the anticipatory fear).

And how much safer and more relaxed I feel not in the house. I mean today was not relaxed, but it sure as hell felt safer.

[bloomie]

MaxedOut - I am following along as you share this process. Your insights and awareness in the midst of this unexpected separation are truly hard won and inspiring. I am just so sorry for the long and difficult road this is.

My deepest hope for you is that in the midst of this, the feeling of safety will hold and the jarring feeling will dissipate as you stay the course using wisdom and your knowledge of depth you have gathered to yourself to navigate this ending.

Just a moderator note: I moved your thread over to Separating Divorcing for a good fit. 

[NBRiverGuy]

MaxedOut-You and I have been on the same timetable, but it looks like your hand was forced a bit sooner. I probably should have left after last weekend's episode, but I didn't have the strength. I'm proud of you. What you have done took an extraordinary amount of courage. I'll be following your post and taking notes.

[square]

I hope your day went ok.

It sounds like you have a good handle on things.

My H well exceeded my expectations, but I went into this with a policy of radical acceptance - that he would not agree with anything, not see anything my way, that he would think I was horrible and on and on. I decided I would be willing to state my truth once and then let it lie rather than engage. So I was prepared to shrug off his accusations. (It did not turn out this way for me). Also, I was prepared to say my decision didn't have to make sense to him.

I also chose to continue my reassuring communication style. But I held the line on my decision. I decided that if I changed my mind, he would be the last to know. You guys know I wavered because of DD, but he does not know I wavered at all.

I know about that splitting, though. And some of the projection.

My amnesia is as strong as ever, I can barely remember a thing. Good for you that you have a good grasp on it. I guess for me it's hard because he's been on good behavior. But you are getting the FOA fire hydrant.

I'm still in the house but I realized how much safer I felt with him on good behavior, meaning how much it was affecting me even on days I'd consider calm (but were still objectively, uh, not normal marital conditions). So it goes to show the strain we live under when, say, living in a hotel while separating feels like a break. Or for me, living with a man I've told I'm leaving.

Keep going. Also consider adopting my vow that if you crack, she'll be the last to know.

[square]

NBRiverGuy, you and I and MaxedOut could be the Class of '24/'25.

[MaxedOut]

NB, it wasn't so much courage as SO bullying an answer about whether I was leaving her. If she had not, I am not sure what would have happened. If she had not started with a string of mean texts I don't know if it would have happened now.

My typical response has been reassurance/trying to calm her but I was just at a point where I could not imagine going back given no real absorption of me talking about abusive behaviors, her being angry (therefore sure to be lashed out at if returning), and the flurry manipulative behaviors.

Square, I have long known there would be no possibility for living in the space after telling her. I am glad your H has been on good behavior.

I like class of 24-25, Square! You and NBRiver have situations with so many similarities to mine (though different aspects).

[escapingman]

I am rooting for you all! Greetings from the class of 22-23 

[NBRiverGuy]

My amnesia is as strong as ever, I can barely remember a thing. Good for you that you have a good grasp on it. I guess for me it's hard because he's been on good behavior. But you are getting the FOA fire hydrant.

It is amazing how adept the brain is at protecting us from ourselves. W said some unspeakably hateful things to me between last Friday and Monday night. When I got to work on Tuesday morning, I wrote down some of the worst things that I could remember on a piece of notebook paper under the heading, "These are the things she said to you." When I looked at the list today, not only is the memory of her saying them blurry, I barely remember writing them down.

[MaxedOut]

NB River I have an iPhone note like your notebook list. Not a log, but a reminder.

[square]

I wonder if a piece of that amnesia is that we've been trained by them to forget.

My H will try his damnedest to say the most horrible, cutting things. He wants me to feel destroyed.

But when he's done, and "doesn't want to fight anymore"? Well, I'm supposed to forget. He didn't mean it. He was just mad. Why do I always hold on to things? That's women for ya, holding grudges just to score some petty points.

So I can forget it and move on, or I can take the continued onslaught. No other choices. Him not doing it anymore? Not on the menu. Him addressing the harm he caused? Not on the menu.

It's Door A or Door B. Just forget it and bury it and put the smile back on. Or spend the next days, weeks, months, years taking the consequences. 

[MaxedOut]

Absolutely, Square. All of those behaviors with my SO, except the sexist comments since we are both women. Calmer contact now (I think mostly because she has gotten past the first couple of days and had a lawyer consult, which probably entailed communications instructions).

[MaxedOut]

Things are mellowing. I don't expect that to be the new normal. Between mood and personality disorders, she will cycle into blamestorming and anger and splitting.

But it gives me hope that the mixed-in messages over the past few days that she will destroy me for this, and such, will not stick as a plan.

Regardless, I am grateful for some emotional respite and calming of demands. In addition to the emotional and mental load, I am physically wrecked from various hard labor actions needed in the fall-out, plus lack of sleep, plus nervous system on high alert. And I am starting to get hit with the waves of trauma effects.

This really is a seismic negative shift in responsibilities and pressures for her. I am trying to do what I can to prioritize simplifying that, without responsibilities that are ongoing. And I am being accommodating where it feels fine to do so and clear on what I do know at this point (still have not talked to a lawyer). Yellow rocking as Dr. Ramani would say (SO is BPD traits, not NPD, but much of Dr. Ramani's stuff still helps).

She has been thinking through next steps, and planning with family. Her current thinking would work out best I think for all. It does mean me being in a bit of a holding pattern for a while, which will be expensive (furnished rental that allows pets) but manageable.

Speaking of expense, I am really hoping she remains in the space of getting the divorce settlement done quickly and without adversarial/trial involvement. I think she did not realize she'd likely get alimony, house sale proceeds/buy out, etc.

I can't control that though, so I am trying to keep focused on the day at hand and the next few days arrangements. And I am trying not get carried away negatively or positively with expectations based on her current state.