The 'ugly' person I was in 2010

[mary_poppins]

Hi all. I found an old Facebook memory of mine recently in which I said how much I miss my 'dear' parents as if they're so great and supportive. I feel ashamed of how I was in the past before discovering their personality disorder in 2015/2016.

I remember how I would call my mom daily or every few days to support her emotionally or ask for her advice.

I couldn't even go shopping without asking mom if I can buy or use X cleaning product or thing.
I was truly dependent on her and her input. I thought she was this hard-working person who'd do anything for her family. Boy, I was so wrong. My mom has always played the role of the hard-working, ambitious and family supportive person but she is the total opposite of that. She hates me and has a vendetta against my father (I believe she will end up unaliving him because he has already gotten sick and mentally disturbed because of her). She gossips about her adult sons and talks trash about their girlfriends.

Man, I progressed so much since 2010, I did an 180 when it comes to my mental health and personality. I am assertive now, can fight a person on the street and don't let shitty people get away with shitty things anymore. Plus, I plan on going NC forever with FOO.

It's hard to believe I was supporting abusers and even rooting for them Plus, I stood all those years while mom was abusing my pets and did nothing about it. So hard to face who you were and what has been done to you.

Anyone else have feelings like this regarding who they were in the past?

[NBRiverGuy]

Good for you! You sound empowered and happy. I'm trying to do that 180, but only at about 45 right now. I am recognizing many of the things you mentioned regarding "supporting and rooting for the abuser." I am just now starting to see the person for who she really is, but I still can't help rooting for her to land on her feet. As the days go by and the the abuse continues, I care less and less how she ends up.

[bloomie]

mary_poppins - I so get this. When we realize we have been living in a state of perpetual gas lighting and some of it has been gas lighting ourselves!!! Yikes! Ouch!

And yet... so many things to be grateful for with a look back like this. See how far you have come! Most people never do the work needed to make that 180! Bravo!! 

[Marianne]

Yup. I feel the same.

If I had cut off my ex before my son was born, I would have protected my son better. I would have saved him, me and my family a shitload of troubles. We would have had a wonderful life together. Then again...it was out of my empathic and trusting nature...something good in me...that I could not imagine that he would hurt my son. Until I picked up the first signals of that.

With my parents. I still don't know. I feel guitly for not quitting contact and not protecting my kid better. I feel guilty for not trying harder to gently connect and heal them. I feel guilty for being too reactive. I feel guilty for defending them. I feel guilty for not speaking out better. I feel especially guitly for not getting my own life in order, and leaving them their own shit. There's just no way to do it right. I feel guilty over distancing myself AND not distancing myself. Strangely.

[treesgrowslowly]

Here is what I tell myself when I remember how I used to be in fawn mode with my abusers - better late than never. Better that we realize it "late" in life, than never at all. We are the lucky ones, we are the ones who see those old FB posts and realize oh holy crap I'm so glad I'm not in that anymore!!

But there is a lot of grief. Grief that has no where to go unless we figure out what to do with it. That is what I am still learning- decades after NC, I have to contend with the loss. there was a lot of loss, which is easier to see as we heal.

So seeing the losses, is actually a sign that you've grown a lot and you're far away from where you were when you made those FB posts.

IMHO we were in that fawn state, to survive. I truly believe that. It was survival, so there is no shame in doing what kept us safe(r). I spent years appeasing my abusers, and no one does that unless it is an attempt to survive their abuse. Those were "systems feelings" as Jerry Wise talks about - it wasn't safe to expose the abuser, and I had been trained to appease them.

No child goes into the type of survival mode that some of us went into, unless there's something dangerous going on, that we had to survive.

Trees

[notrightinthehead]

Mary-Poppins what a great topic! I do a lot of self reflection on my own contribution to the misery I was in for far too long. Before my journey Out of the FOG began, I would begin to cry every time I was alone in my car. Tears running uncontrollably. Driving in my car alone was the only safe space I had where I could still feel myself and wasn't totally occupied with what He thought, wanted, expected, disapproved, disliked, would yell at me next for...
So I went to a therapist friend for the crying and was surprised to hear that I am depressed. Me? Our family Fotos on FB showed what a 'happy' family life we had.
Today our only contact is through lawyers, we still cannot agree on the financial separation but I don't cry anymore when I take a drive. What I do know, however, that I acquiesced to the abuse, that I fawned, that because of my conflict avoidance he grew ever more powerful in our relationship. I let him set his irrational rules and I let him yell at the kids and me for hours. Until I found the toolbox and learned that I didn't have to stick around when he behaved like that. The first time I ever got up an walked away while he was screaming abuse at me, I thought my legs would give, so scared was I. But I made it out of the room, house, yard. I drove to a parking lot and sat there for an hour, waiting for my pulse to go down and my head to become still. This was my first step and I am so grateful I took it.

[Marianne]

I feel guilty both for the fawning and the fighting. I hate what I became. You fawned...I also fought...which also bent my character. And for me it is no past. Since I'm forced by cps to leave my child with my dad and cooperate with him.

I just screamed at my dad how he hurt us. Then felt so ashamed. This is not how I normally am. He kindly remind me how that was very unchristian of me, how God would disapprove of me being so unforgiving.

And I agree.

But me forcing myself to fawn and forgive, out of fear and guilt, without any repetence in him, built up such pain...that can go nowhere because nobody sees what my dad really does. And he takes no responsibility.

I let him take my child. I fawned and fled and fought. But didn't just stand up and strategically got my kid back. I hate myself for that.

[mary_poppins]

Good for you! You sound empowered and happy. I'm trying to do that 180, but only at about 45 right now. I am recognizing many of the things you mentioned regarding "supporting and rooting for the abuser." I am just now starting to see the person for who she really is, but I still can't help rooting for her to land on her feet. As the days go by and the the abuse continues, I care less and less how she ends up.

I think you are very much aware of what's going on and evolving as we speak.

[mary_poppins]

mary_poppins - I so get this. When we realize we have been living in a state of perpetual gas lighting and some of it has been gas lighting ourselves!!! Yikes! Ouch!

And yet... so many things to be grateful for with a look back like this. See how far you have come! Most people never do the work needed to make that 180! Bravo!! 

I'm grateful for Facebook, though for showing very old posts. Inner work helped a lot. TY

[mary_poppins]

Yup. I feel the same.

If I had cut off my ex before my son was born, I would have protected my son better. I would have saved him, me and my family a shitload of troubles. We would have had a wonderful life together. Then again...it was out of my empathic and trusting nature...something good in me...that I could not imagine that he would hurt my son. Until I picked up the first signals of that.

With my parents. I still don't know. I feel guitly for not quitting contact and not protecting my kid better. I feel guilty for not trying harder to gently connect and heal them. I feel guilty for being too reactive. I feel guilty for defending them. I feel guilty for not speaking out better. I feel especially guitly for not getting my own life in order, and leaving them their own shit. There's just no way to do it right. I feel guilty over distancing myself AND not distancing myself. Strangely.

Marianne: that guilt-I understand where is coming from. Guilt is the emotion that was used against us by our abusers. It is there to protect us. I am grateful I have this guilt..still. BUT this doesn't mean I won't go NC with my FOO because of the guilt. I'll do that in spite of the guilt. Many things to unpack here.

[mary_poppins]

Here is what I tell myself when I remember how I used to be in fawn mode with my abusers - better late than never. Better that we realize it "late" in life, than never at all. We are the lucky ones, we are the ones who see those old FB posts and realize oh holy crap I'm so glad I'm not in that anymore!!

But there is a lot of grief. Grief that has no where to go unless we figure out what to do with it. That is what I am still learning- decades after NC, I have to contend with the loss. there was a lot of loss, which is easier to see as we heal.

So seeing the losses, is actually a sign that you've grown a lot and you're far away from where you were when you made those FB posts.

IMHO we were in that fawn state, to survive. I truly believe that. It was survival, so there is no shame in doing what kept us safe(r). I spent years appeasing my abusers, and no one does that unless it is an attempt to survive their abuse. Those were "systems feelings" as Jerry Wise talks about - it wasn't safe to expose the abuser, and I had been trained to appease them.

No child goes into the type of survival mode that some of us went into, unless there's something dangerous going on, that we had to survive.

Trees

THIS is so helpful   

[NBRiverGuy]

I think you are very much aware of what's going on and evolving as we speak.

Thank you. I needed that today.