One year on but still miss the relationship

[Beachstone]

Hello wise ones,

It's been a year since my exwBPd finally split and discarded me. We were together 12 years, have a 10 year old son. We have been separated 9 months, and minimal contact for 6 months. My ex is very hostile to me, it stings as I was the caretaker in our relationship.

I have a lot to be grateful for, a beautiful and kind son, a nice home to live in, 2 very good friends, a supportive mother, my own business and a healthy lifestyle. I see 2 psychologists plus other health practitioners.

But every morning I wake up missing my ex. I ruminate all day on both the good and bad parts of the relationship. I understand that much of it wasn't real, but my brain really seems to struggle with what has happened. I feel lonely. It's exhausting thinking about it all day.

I'm working on my own healing - journalling, acknowledging my feelings, medication, exercise, reading about BPD and also considering my own possible codependency and upbringing.

But man, it's hard. The loneliness. I'm not ready to date, and won't until I've worked more on myself. It will probably take years. I feel that my self-identity is of a victim who is grieving not just the loss of my relationship, but my sister and dad who died recently. I don't want to be sad or a victim, I want to be strong and move forward and grow. But I feel envious of others in relationships or who still have siblings to lean on.

I live in a small town, and it can be challenging to find and meet new friends. But even if I could, I feel my sadness hangs over me like a black cloud and will repel others. I feel unlovable since being discarded.

Sorry for the ramble, I guess I'm looking for what has helped others when at this stage. Maybe I'm being too impatient to heal too quickly?

[Rebel13]

Hi Beachstone,

Have you tried thought stopping in combination with CBT-type reframing? This came up the other day in something I was reading to deal with my inner critic on overdrive. It has worked for me sometimes. It definitely doesn't work for everyone, or all the time, but if you're interested in giving it a try here's more information: https://www.verywellmind.com/stop-technique-2671653

For myself, when I notice a self-critical thought about my current stressful situation, or when I feel that pit-of-stomach sick feeling that marks my slide into dumping on myself, I say to myself, "Nope! I'm not (those bad things). Instead, I'm (fill in the blank with my good qualities) and (reframe of current situation from scary uncertainty to a smorgasbord of interesting opportunities)." This is working OK for me so far, surprisingly!

I wish you peace as you struggle through grieving your relationship!

[Beachstone]

Thank for sharing that article Rebel13, it was a very interesting read. I'll practice the stop strategies, I'm happy to try anything to halt the ruminating.

[square]

I wonder if the ruminating happens because there is a short circuit of sorts in what you are trying to process. (Sorry for mixed metaphor).

So, for example, you think of your father, you start to grieve his loss, then suddenly your mind goes "you don't deserve to grieve. It's a selfish thing to do."

And then of course you think "how can grieving be selfish? I loved my dad. This doesn't make any sense."

And then round and round, never getting anywhere, never getting past the block. Hence rumination. You've got to digest this but it just won't GO.

Is that what is happening? Are you coming up against the messages your ex installed and not being able to get past them? For the loss of your father, sister, and your relationship with your ex?

[Beachstone]

Thanks so much Square, that makes a lot of sense.

My ex was there for me when my sister and father died. And when he left, it's like I also lost that connection to those deceased, because most of the people around me now don't really know what I went through. I don't have a big family or lots of friends, and lived apart from those who knew them, so ex was generally the only one with me at the time and saw the pain I suffered. He was the person I turned to for comfort. Plus I think there was a trauma bond because of his verbal and psychological abuse at times.

And now he is gone. It ended horribly, he is now cruel, hostile and rude to me as we navigate co-parenting. I crave acknowledgment, kindness and accountability from him, which I understand is unlikely.

So not only is the person I sought comfort in gone, they have been replaced by someone who seeks to trip me up and hurt me. No wonder my brain struggles to make sense of it.

Thank you Square.

[Rebel13]

it's like I also lost that connection to those deceased, because most of the people around me now don't really know what I went through.

This makes perfect sense to me! I went through something sort of like it. I lost a partner when I was in my 30s and a few years ago, when I lost the cat that we had gotten together just before my partner died, I felt like I was losing the last connection to her. I'm learning, and trying to remember, that the memories are still there. They will always be with me and they belong to me, even though no one in my life now knew that partner, or even knows that I went through that.

Hang in there!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

For me, my thoughts / feelings after the separation, was definitely because of trauma bonding.  When I began to reframe my thinking, it helped a lot. Even after 3 years apart, 2 years post divorce, I still have moments where I remember something and now I can see how my ex lied about so much!!  And, that is because the trauma bonding is gone.

I think it just takes time for the healing process.  I also went through a period where I blamed myself - why couldn't I see it?  Why did I believe such an obvious lie?   Now, I give my self grace, I'm a loving person who was manipulated. 

[square]

Sorry, I think I had your story mixed up with another poster who lost her father. I'm glad your ex was there for you for your losses.

Clearly the separation was abrupt and traumatic. And you have no closure.

Would you like to share in general the themes of your ruminations? Do you know what loops you get stuck in?

I've ruminated either because of cognitive dissonance (H saying something that nroke my brain because the logic was so, so egregiously unfathomable) or an emotional block (like being told my point of view on a conflict was selfish, so every time I tried to deal with the conflict I'd run into the "you're selfish" block and get detailed rather than moving beyond that).

Maybe there are other rumination traps, but do either of those ring a bell?

[Beachstone]

Thank you Plantedflowersnotweeds, yes- I think I still need to take time for healing from the trauma bond. It has really messed with my mind!

Square - the "you're selfish" block is a big one. When I read about what I have experienced, I also can hear my ex's voice accusing me of the same thing.

Much of the rumination centres around how I am alone now. When I wake up, I am reminded that my ex isn't here. It's my first waking thought. I think about how I now need to navigate all the big and little parts of my life alone. I miss the good times and the companionship I thought I had when we were together. I also ruminate about the times he was verbally abusive or gave me the silent treatment, or just angry at the world in general and how hard that was to live with. I'm constantly having conversations in my head with him - trying to defend myself or explain, trying to be understood.

The ending has been abrupt with no closure, and I think part of me is craving him to reach out to say sorry or be just a little friendly so we can co-parent nicely together. I understand that this is a fantasy and unlikely to happen. I hate being the villain in his story, and I know I must learn to accept that. But it's hard. I think it is a whole lot of factors have come together - grief, rejection, loneliness, feeling despondent about the future but trying very hard to focus on what's good about my life and move on -and it is breaking my brain!

[StartingHealing]

Hello Beachstone.

I can relate to your posts.  Some of the things that have helped me is realizing that yes, every person can have a bad day and wound other people unintentionally.

With BPD's though, the lashing out and then the crumbs of good was intentionally done to manipulate people into a position of 'support' aka being subservient to them.

Another thing was for me was analyzing the pattern of their behavior and finally coming to the recognition that while my feelings were true, those feelings were based on a falsity that the former spouse intentionally presented to me, to pull me into their crazy.  The good times and the bad times... Trauma bonding which is so very common of us regular folks.  With knowing that the good times were smoke and mirrors and the bad times was the actual nature of the former spouse, that gave me leverage against that part of me that was still bonded.

As far as being a villain in their story. They have to have a villain in their story so they can maintain their status as victim.  Is it based in reality?  No.  Not even close.  In my experience, there was always someone, somewhere, even if there was zero impact on daily life, that was cast as villain in the former spouses story based on the emotional context at the time. 

No joke, because there is a coalition in a different state that was acting to protect artesian water springs and they didn't meet one of their goals that turned them into villains in that moment in time.  A few weeks pass and then suddenly! they were not villains any more. 

Picking up a hobby, something that feeds your soul, that is specifically for you and you alone, something that you enjoy is also something to help yourself. 

I got into a few different things.  35mm photography. Refurbished camera and lenses(on the cheep) Learning composition and gives me a excuse to get out of the house and talk a walk.  Fountain pens.  And then as an excuse for fountain pens and inks, I joined a pen pal group that exchanges hand written letters using fountain pens.      It's pretty amazing how reading letters from others (some international) with knowing the investment that someone else has done?  And that helped/helps me with knowing that I've worth something to someone else.  Which I never got from the former spouse. 

It's hard right now.  It does get better.  Healing isn't lineal.  Wish it was.  Been 3 years this May and I'm starting to really remember the who I was before the former spouse.

Wishing you all the best.

[Beachstone]

Thank you for your wise words, starting healing.

I thought I would mention something that has been helping me the last couple of days. I re-listened to the audio book "Whole Again" by Jackson Mackenzie. A strategy he suggests for rumination is to imagine yourself as a loving, compassionate presence who is observing you ruminate, without judgement. This helped me have more patience with myself, and realise no wonder my brain is struggling to make sense of what has been an impossible relationship which was never going to work out.