Internal Triggers by scent, touch demand

[sweet1987]

Hi everyone,
Just really hoping anyone can relate or understand.
I left home at 30 after a really enmeshed codependent relationship with my undiagnosed PD mother who has always been abusive in many ways. After putting up boundaries and 8 years later she has stopped allot of her regular behaviours and we now have a better relationship. I am in no doubt that at any moment she could still fall back into her default.
My mother has always had mobility issues but now this is combined with more health issues and I try to help her out weekly without either appointments, hydrotherapy, cleaning, Clearing House clutter ( hoarding) etc
Anyway even though my mother isn't currently doing anything to me I still feel very much damaged by the past, and certain things make me feel sickly in my stomach or trigger  freeze, flight response, like if she hugs me too tightly or keep touching me while talking, the smell of the house, her smell, and just being around her too long it's like my body is screaming for me to get away but I feel so bad because I'm trying to offer compassion to my mum as I know she is really struggling recently I am also trying to make sure I balance that out with my well being and what I can cope with but I feel like I'm holding a grudge but I know deep down I'm not. I don't want things to feel like this but they just do. I don't feel safe with her. And some weeks it's a fight just to make myself go there. I also suffer with anxiety and depression and it can be a fight to do my own tasks let alone any outside demands. I've been in therapy on and off for 8 years and allot of self work. My partner has only seen the nice parts of my mum and doesn't fully understand. Also my mum may need an operation and I may need care for a week or so. The thought of this sounds awful, as I can only stand being talked at by her a few hours at a time. I may try offer to help for 2-3 days but still feel bad this isn't enough. I think old messages are trying to take over " not a good daughter " if I don't do exactly what's expected. Even though none of this is currently coming from her. Why is it still in me

[xredshoesx]

gentle hugs-

I always felt like there was a part of my brain that has reserved the bad memories, even though I am   30 years removed from ANY contact with my biological mother and 25 years removed from any contact with her family. 

something I learned from reading 'the body keeps the score' was that scent/ touch triggers for me are HUGE and the things that can/ will pull me back into the moments where I had to disassociate as a child to endure the abuse- kind of like I smell something or something touches me and my mind flashes images like a view master camera if that makes any sense.

you are spot on in your observations and it makes complete sense to be wary of being in her domain for an extended period of time to help her recuperate. I'm sorry your DH doesn't get it.  is he open to reading anything about mother/daughters to help him understand more?

it sounds like you are doing what you have to/ need to and I am glad you reached out here too.  you're not alone in this experience-

[NarcKiddo]

I struggle a lot with similar things. The thought of having to look after my mother physically gives me actual revulsion. Like yours, mine has much less obvious power now I am an adult and she is an old woman. I still sense danger from her and I believe I am wise to do so, but a lot of my more major emotional responses to her come from what she triggers within me rather than real and present danger.

I've been talking through this a lot with my therapist recently, and it has helped. I think I am having a Pavlovian conditioned reaction in many cases. But knowing that does help me to spot the feelings earlier and that makes them easier to control and think through before they become totally overwhelming.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can and that is all anyone (especially you!) can expect from you. If she does not think it is good enough that is on her. The big progress for you would, I guess, be accepting that what you are doing for her is actually good enough. Good luck. Easier said than done.

[sweet1987]

. I'm sorry your DH doesn't get it.  is he open to reading anything about mother/daughters to help him understand more?

it sounds like you are doing what you have to/ need to and I am glad you reached out here too.  you're not alone in this experience-

Thank you for your kind words and sharing. It has really helped. Yes I have heard of this book. Might give it a read.
Sending hugs back. 🤗

[sweet1987]

I struggle a lot with similar things. The thought of having to look after my mother physically gives me actual revulsion. Like yours, mine has much less obvious power now I am an adult and she is an old woman. I still sense danger from her and I believe I am wise to do so, but a lot of my more major emotional responses to her come from what she triggers within me rather than real and present danger.

I've been talking through this a lot with my therapist recently, and it has helped. I think I am having a Pavlovian conditioned reaction in many cases. But knowing that does help me to spot the feelings earlier and that makes them easier to control and think through before they become totally overwhelming.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can and that is all anyone (especially you!) can expect from you. If she does not think it is good enough that is on her. The big progress for you would, I guess, be accepting that what you are doing for her is actually good enough. Good luck. Easier said than done.

Thank you for your reply,I can definitely relate to allot of this. I also feel this disgust around her at times, I'd not heard of the pavlovian conditioning before. It it's really helped knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.
🤗

[practical]

You aren't not a "good daughter" by being aware of your own needs, your limitations and trying to work within them. You are compassionate by being there for her for the amount of time you can handle. Most likely if you would ask somebody who comes from a non-PD FOO, they would think it normal to leave after an hour or two, putting anything that couldn't be dealt with in this time off for another day. As somebody who comes from a PD FOO, I used and often still do expect the superhuman of me, like being available till I collapse (and it is still not enough     ) . I think you are doing an amazing job at being aware of your own needs, your triggers (I really get the thing about being in the house, it often felt eerie to me to be back at my parents place), being compassionate towards your mother, helping her in tangible ways. Make sure not to forget compassion towards yourself.

[sweet1987]

You aren't not a "good daughter" by being aware of your own needs, your limitations and trying to work within them. You are compassionate by being there for her for the amount of time you can handle. Most likely if you would ask somebody who comes from a non-PD FOO, they would think it normal to leave after an hour or two, putting anything that couldn't be dealt with in this time off for another day. As somebody who comes from a PD FOO, I used and often still do expect the superhuman of me, like being available till I collapse (and it is still not enough     ) . I think you are doing an amazing job at being aware of your own needs, your triggers (I really get the thing about being in the house, it often felt eerie to me to be back at my parents place), being compassionate towards your mother, helping her in tangible ways. Make sure not to forget compassion towards yourself.

Thank you so much. Yes true I'll probably never feel like it's enough even if I was running myself into the ground. Hugs 🤗

[Liketheducks]

I can absolutely identify with your post.   There was one time where, when I was stretching myself to the limit not only with her but also the rest of my FOO, she told me I was obligated to continue because "I could".        The smell of my mum's perfume or father's cigarettes triggers me.   She also hoards. 

It also took my H a very, very long time to see the problem.   And now, he can barely stand to be around them.   Since then, we can work together to decide what our best response to some of the challenges will be.   I like that a lot.   

I think that is the crux of dealing with PD parents.   They've installed these dysfunctional thought processes in us as children and we have the totally unfair task of healing from it.   Good for you to know your own needs.   It took me until middle age.   When I'm around my FOO I have an emotional "hangover".   Taking the time and space to be as compassionate to yourself as you would her will help you.   

Grounding

[JR]

sweet1987 i get it 100% with what your dealing with, i know its no consolation prize for the abuse from these people, all you can do IMO is to hang to the things that make you happy for dear life cause these people(narcs) are hell bent on destroying your inner peace at all costs without any qualms to release their toxic self hatred on someone, cause they believe that your the cause of their self hate, cause it cant be them.

[Defiantdaughter1]

This person could make you start having physical health problems. Maybe she would qualify for home healthcare. In some areas, insurance or the government will cover transportation to the doctor, physical therapy, etc.

[WipeOfftheFog]

Wow this is so validating to read. My mothers perfume sends me into a completely frozen and state. I also feel a sense of repulsion at the thought of hugging her and haven't done so in more than 20 years. The guilt from these feelings is real, but they are there for a reason. I hope you honor the needs of your nervous system and give yourself grace and understanding. It is not your fault you feel this way. It's for a reason.