Family Members

[Ms.Fang]

I've been full NC with my mum since February 2024. 10 months, it's been hard but glorious.
Recently I caught up with an aunty who my mum is in contact with.
Obviously uncomfortable about it, twice my aunty has passed on messages from my mother. Despite knowing and seeing the challenges and trauma I have suffered she expresses hope that I will reconnect one day and how tragic it is that I've gone no contact.
She even said that it is obvious that I'm not strong enough to handle being in touch with my mother but maybe one day.
I found this very triggering, my mother has shown absolutely zero signs of growing and even my aunty has agreed that she's just not capable of it.
Why should I be expected to martyr myself and do the work to be strong enough to try and have some sort of uncomfortable relationship with her?
It makes me so angry! 😠
It follows the very familiar and gross path of every abusive relationship. The one where I'm expected to put in all the effort to make the relationship work. Stuff that, it's meant to be a two way street!

Thanks for listening to my rant, just had to get it out to people who understand. Xx

Stay strong out there ❤️

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh yes, the "healed enough" fallacy. The idea that once we are stronger, we can handle the relationship again. I've heard that one before, too. It is really hard for people to wrap their brains around our experience generally but yes it is maddening to hear!

Perhaps it's true. Maybe I could rock my stronger boundaries and manage some level of low contact. Except, when we've grown, we tend to realize that we had a choice all along and our lives are better now. So why would we go back to the poison that caused us to need all this work and healing in the first place?!? To make other people, such as your aunt, comfortable? No thank you. Controlling the outcome and keeping up appearances is a co-dependent goal. The tragedy is not that you went no contact, the tragedy is all the abuse that made it necessary.

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. I'm sorry you had to put up with that.

[Liketheducks]

That stinks.  Really stinks.   

My mom once told me I needed to help (my siblings, my abusive father, etc.) because she thought that I could.   I'd stuffed the effects of it so far down, I had even myself fooled.   Even with my boundaries, they're still trying to corral me into the role I played in our earlier family dynamic.    Good for you for holding your boundaries.   It is really hard when they engage the flying monkeys.   

Take care.

[Defiantdaughter1]

Aunts and uncles can be nosy. The less they know, the better. People on this forum call it an "information diet".

[moglow]

"... She even said that it is obvious that I'm not strong enough to handle being in touch with my mother but maybe one day ..." Maybe there will be a chance to point out that mother is who she's chosen to be, and as the parent she could have nurtured the relationship at any time but she chose otherwise. Refuse to take on responsibility for your mother's choices - you have to be responsible to yourself first.

And know what? Aunty could also decline passing along those messages, be big enough to tell her sister that she doesn't appreciate being used as a go-between. I don't see her doing that either.

FWIW, I have cousins I've not seen in years who are well aware and witnessed some of my mother's treatment of us. One in particular just a few months ago was once again towing the company line that "as the only daughter ..." what I should be doing, and I needed to xyz. No ma'am. She's seen mother in action and heard mother's whole mean side of the story for decades, even admitted she rarely talks with mother because mother's so angry all the time.

[Ms.Fang]

"Oh yes, the "healed enough" fallacy. The idea that once we are stronger, we can handle the relationship again. I've heard that one before, too. It is really hard for people to wrap their brains around our experience generally but yes it is maddening to hear!"

Thank you for your kind words, I completely agree! Another friend of mine asked me why should I have to be strong to deal with my mother?? A mother should be a safe person for a child to come to, not a relationship you have to soldier on through.

 "The tragedy is not that you went no contact, the tragedy is all the abuse that made it necessary."

This. Oh my gosh, so much this! I have shared this quote on my social media and I'm so appreciative. It encapulates it so perfectly. Thank you Thank you!

[Ms.Fang]

" Even with my boundaries, they're still trying to corral me into the role I played in our earlier family dynamic. Good for you for holding your boundaries. It is really hard when they engage the flying monkeys."

Oh gosh, that's horrible! I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this as well. I've just heard from yet another aunty who my mum is trying to use to contact me. Saying that she doesn't want to contact me directly because that would be breaking some sort of contract, but to please pass on a message about visiting nz, some mothers intuition or some bullshit. What lies. She might be honoring the technicalities of the agreement but not the spirit of it. FFS. Thankfully this particular aunty gets the situation a whole lot better than the other one.

[Ms.Fang]

"Maybe there will be a chance to point out that mother is who she's chosen to be, and as the parent she could have nurtured the relationship at any time but she chose otherwise. Refuse to take on responsibility for your mother's choices - you have to be responsible to yourself first."

You're so right! Thank you for the words of wisdom and validation. It's imperative that I re parent myself first before anything else.

And know what? Aunty could also decline passing along those messages, be big enough to tell her sister that she doesn't appreciate being used as a go-between. I don't see her doing that either.

Again, you're so right and the next time I have a conversation with that particular Aunty, I'll be saying as much!

FWIW, I have cousins I've not seen in years who are well aware and witnessed some of my mother's treatment of us. One in particular just a few months ago was once again towing the company line that "as the only daughter ..." what I should be doing, and I needed to xyz. No ma'am. She's seen mother in action and heard mother's whole mean side of the story for decades, even admitted she rarely talks with mother because mother's so angry all the time.

OOOSSSH, i feel that eh, the guilt of being the only daughter, or in my case the only child as well. It's so surprising that she admits she can see your mother's angry behaviour and yet still expects you to do something. NO, we are no longer sacrifices to the altar of their narcissism!