Found out dad died from a text sending condolences

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I was volunteering at an annual event with my husband when I got a text from an old childhood neighbor "Just heard about your dad. So sorry. Sending thoughts and prayers." It was the only time anyone contacted me about my dad's death.   
 
I knew it was close because a couple months ago my parent's assisted living facility informed that dad was going on hospice. I recognized my regret about recent interaction with my FOO. I had gotten out and decided to stay out. I made peace with my decision to not involve myself and am grateful for the clarity because my peace of mind has remained strong.     

When I got the text, my darling husband responded likely in a common way by packing up his belongings and said I should call my sister and start making plans. I told him that I wanted to remain until the end of the event. I was not immersing myself in the scene or coordinating with anyone about anything.
         
Actually, there was not much planning required because my dad made funeral plans two years ago for him and my mom. They picked out the funeral home, church, cemetery and paid for it all. He left copies of the paid receipts in a folder and my sister and I had copies. It should have been simple for anyone to take action. The only thing needed was to call the numbers on the paperwork to initiate the proceedings. I believe though nothing is simple when a PD is at the center.
 
Upon his death, I thought I would feel something had finally come to an end. I did not feel anything though. There was just an absolute zero. The nothingness continued in the following days as no calls came in, no cards arrived, there were no other texts, and nobody gathered around a kitchen table to share memories. 

Since I knew what dad's plans were, I became curious what my sister had done and I called the funeral home and cemetery to inquire about arrangements. Staff at each place however stated they did not show any plans at all. I called a few more times, and finally realized after two weeks if my sister was going to follow the plans, it would have likely already been done. I just stopped asking. I never searched for an obituary because I did not want to know if they omitted my name.   

I did contact the Assisted Living facility to ask if my mom was still going to live there. During the call, I was informed that when my dad passed, my sister and her husband and their two adult daughters were present. I know my dad would never have wanted anyone milling around and definitely would not want his grandkids anywhere nearby. It sounded intrusive and chaotic to me. She also informed me that my sister and her husband asked them to declare my mother mentally incompetent, but the medical staff refused because my mother's dementia is not that advanced. It sent a chill down my spine because I thought it might be a red flag that someone might be trying to take advantage of her. I feel like even though I did not talk to my family or see them, just being in their general sphere was enough to process the carnage.

If I pieced my sister's behavior together correctly, I cannot rationalize it other than to believe she was energized and felt more powerful by refusing to follow the instructions of others. I believe she lacks the moral compass or empathy to fulfill her dad's very clear end of life wishes and to treat her aging mother respectfully.

I see such irony when I know my parents wanted grace and dignity, and they arranged things in a manner that it could have been easy. They had a choice between two individuals to carry forward, and they chose the one incapable of providing it. I just see a legacy of destruction steamrolling onward. 
                 
If I feel anything, perhaps it is a sense of being robbed of a marker that something profound just happened, but my life went on without a blip. Maybe I realize the losses are now complete. It sort of feels like a house fire burned and nothing remains to salvage.   

Going forward, I know my peace only comes from remaining unengaged. I am No Contact and will remain as such with the addition of no inquiries to third parties on future aspects. I am not going on a mission to hold anyone accountable. I am not fixing it. I will have nothing from my parents. Nobody remains in my life who knew my FOO. I will not know where my dad is and will not know what becomes of my mother. As I write that, I cannot explain how I can acknowledge such losses and be at peace with it, but somehow I am.

Thank you for reading and being present here. The understanding of people here has been an immense comfort. Blessings to all on this road.
 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, I'm so sorry you had to find out that way. And I'm so impressed. Your growth is shining through in this. Thank you for sharing here. In all honesty I'm anticipating being in your shoes someday. Thank you for helping to take away some of that dread for me, that this too can be endured.

[bloomie]

Blueberry Pancakes - my deepest condolences on the loss of your father. I am also so sorry for the lack of human decency that would be a family member notifying you and cooperating with you to follow the final wishes of your father in honoring his life.

Thank you for this clear eyed view of the peace and power that comes from believing and acting on the truth of how broken and irreconciable the relationships have become within our family systems.

If I feel anything, perhaps it is a sense of being robbed of a marker that something profound just happened, but my life went on without a blip. Maybe I realize the losses are now complete. It sort of feels like a house fire burned and nothing remains to salvage.   

Going forward, I know my peace only comes from remaining unengaged. I am No Contact and will remain as such with the addition of no inquiries to third parties on future aspects. I am not going on a mission to hold anyone accountable. I am not fixing it. I will have nothing from my parents. Nobody remains in my life who knew my FOO. I will not know where my dad is and will not know what becomes of my mother. As I write that, I cannot explain how I can acknowledge such losses and be at peace with it, but somehow I am.

In the coming days, weeks, months may your very wise choices and knowledge of when to fully and finally release bring you continued peace and freedom. Thank you so much for sharing and being a vital part of this community.

There is such healing in sharing our stories with a compassionate and understanding group of people.

[Rebel13]

Blueberry Pancakes, I want to echo the others here in expressing condolences for you and thanks for your willingness to share. I have been amazed the last year and a half, that I haven't felt any regret, guilt, sadness, or any other emotions about the end of my relationship with my mother (no contact). It was as though her last episode of terrible behavior broke something in me and I was just FINISHED.

I have wondered if I will feel differently when she dies, if I will want to participate in any activities, feel sadness, grief or regret for having been out of touch. I guess it could happen, but I'm so glad to know that it hasn't happened for you. It sounds like you were also DONE, kept on with your own life, and that has been a good thing for you. I'm so glad you have peace about it.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Cordelia, Bloomie and Rebel.

Cordelia - Thank you for your perspective that you see this as growth. If there is one benefit in all of this, it is indeed growth and believing this is a continual evolution. Unwillingness to be emotionally triggered, self-governance, and likely a clear awareness of my family dynamics is all what I believe has kept me steady. 

Bloomie - I think your words are beautiful and capture exactly how I feel about these last weeks and months. I saw how my FOO functions truly as a "system". Not one of them acts independently of the other. I do believe ties were irreparably broken. To me, it was clear the only action was for me to fully and finally release them. I guess I do realize the peace and power in acting with that knowledge. 
 
Rebel - In the past years as parents aged, I also wondered how I would feel when they passed. I never felt differently about it though. I went No Contact with my entire FOO seven years ago, but later went to VLC with parents. The only regret I have is resuming any level of contact all. I never felt regret, guilt or sadness for being no contact. I did feel something just broke back then, and I was done. Even with VLC, I was present physically at times but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I was still gone.

[Adria]

Blueberry Pancakes, 

You have my deepest sympathy for all your losses. I just went through the same thing.  I understand how you can acknowledge these losses and somehow remain at peace. What else can we do anymore?  It has been a lifetime of losses for us, and when the ringleaders are gone, it feels like the house of cards tumbles down for good.  There is a sense of, "it's finally over." And, there is a certain peace that comes with that. Maybe we are blessed with a certain numbness that holds us together. 

I regret that you have had to hear about your father this way. It is so cold and callous, there are no words to describe it. You are so strong, and have gained so much wisdom from what you have been through and how you have been treated.  Hold on to that and always stay true to the wonderful person that you have become despite how you were treated.  You are the clear winner here. They have nothing to offer that matters anymore. We have beat them at their sick games by keeping our dignity, which they have so vehemently tried to strip from us. It is our time to take our freedom and rise above and shine.  We need no one's permission but our own.  Hugs, Adria 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Adria. As I read your recent posts, I felt we were on a similar road. I find no words to describe any of this, and nobody could understand anyway. I do not even try, as seeking external understanding from others never worked earlier in my life and I am not going to try to get it now.   
       
Thank you also for referencing the ways in which we do "win" while we sort out such feelings of loss. Mostly, I think we kept ourselves whole through all of this. Perhaps we even evolved more into our unique strengths and gifts and gained the wisdom to know when to follow that tug that leads us to our best places. Yes, I agree it is our time to shine and we do not need anyone's permission.