How Are YOU Feeling?

[NBRiverGuy]

I've been talking to my mom lately about everything that I am going through with PDw. I brought her into my family 24 years ago and I am just now waking up to how much damage that has caused over the years. Last night, my mom kept asking me how I was feeling and I kept responding with some variation of how I was concerned for PDw, mom, sis, dad, our dogs...everyone but me. Mom finally said, "Stop. I'm not asking how this is affecting everyone else. I'm asking how it is affecting YOU. How are YOU feeling." I gave her a nonchalant, "Oh. I'm fine. Don't worry about me." She let it go, but I have been thinking about that question since and have been trying to untangle what I am actually feeling right now. I spend so much time worrying about how my situation is affecting others that I never consider how it is affecting me. So I came up with this list.
Relieved - I will no longer have to live in a constant state of chaos.
Guilty - I will be leaving her in a vulnerable state while she is trying to get help.
Liberated - My future will be free from an endless cycle of anger, conflict, and drama.
Duplicitous - For secretly talking to family members about her mental state and my future plans while acting normal at home.
Concerned - That she literally will not be able to take care of herself.
Anxious - That I will lose my nerve and stay when telling time has come.
Sad - That 24 years of memories are coming to an end, even though most were fraught.
Confused - Why, to this day, am I so willing to sacrifice my own happiness to make her feel better?
When you are feeling so much at once, it's difficult to pinpoint what those separate feelings are. I'm taking this list to my therapist appointment today so that she can help me unpack them one at a time. Just writing these things out has been a helpful exercise for me. Maybe it will be for you too. 

[square]

Yeah, it's a lot of feelings to unpack, and having some conflict with others makes it a bit more complex.

My inherent personality, predating H, doesn't really like to share feelings with anyone. So that question would be inherently difficult for me. My answer would be a vague "yup all good" whether it was the truth or not.

But on top of that, over the years I've been disallowed by my H to have feelings that conflict with his needs. Angry at him? Not allowed. Irritated? Nope. Sad? Only bad wives feel sad. Lonely, scared, overwhelmed? All my fault.

So it's very difficult to untangle.

[NBRiverGuy]

My inherent personality, predating H, doesn't really like to share feelings with anyone. So that question would be inherently difficult for me. My answer would be a vague "yup all good" whether it was the truth or not.

Same here, which is probably why I was drawn to W in the first place and vice versa. She is not interested in anyone's feelings but her own and one of my go-to deflection strategies is focusing on other people's feelings so that they don't have a chance to ask about mine. W is perfectly fine not knowing or caring about my feelings so long as she can keep the spigot open on hers. It turns out, that's not a real healthy dynamic. Go figure.

[square]

That is interesting. The dynamics between people are interesting.

[MaxedOut]

With regularity, my therapist notes me answering question about how I am doing with responses focused on SO/others. A question that hit me hard last year was something like, what would you say if you weren't always trying to be strong for your wife and others?

[NBRiverGuy]

I shared that list with my therapist yesterday. She looked at it for a minute and said, "I notice the word 'hurt' is not on your list. I wonder why that is."
I pondered that for a minute and said, "I don't really feel like she hurt my feelings if that's what your asking."
"So she said all of these awful things to you. On top of that, she told you that she said them intentionally to hurt you. Why aren't you hurt?"
After a minute, I said, "Because I don't care."
"Bingo!" she said. "If you don't care, why are you holding on to those other negative emotions?"
"I don't know," I admitted.
"Because you are the victim in a long-term abusive relationship and she has trained you to feel that way." That's a tough pill to swallow.

[notrightinthehead]

NBRiverguy, has your therapist mentioned Co Dependecy to you? When I read Melody Beatty's book it was a revelation for me. I found explanations and descriptions of my behaviour in it. There is that unhealthy loyalty - staying in a relationship that is no longer satisfactory. And I stayed three decades in a relationship with an abusive yeller. For many times I tried to change the dynamics of our relationship- it stayed the same.

[NBRiverGuy]

NBRiverguy, has your therapist mentioned Co Dependecy to you? When I read Melody Beatty's book it was a revelation for me. I found explanations and descriptions of my behaviour in it. There is that unhealthy loyalty - staying in a relationship that is no longer satisfactory. And I stayed three decades in a relationship with an abusive yeller. For many times I tried to change the dynamics of our relationship- it stayed the same.

Nope. But, it's at the top of my list now. Thanks for the recommendation. Now that I somewhat understand the PD behavior, I need to start understanding my own.

[NBRiverGuy]

When I read Melody Beatty's book it was a revelation for me.

Which one is it? Co-Dependent No More?

[notrightinthehead]

Yes. That one .
And another one I found helpful 'It's my life now' by Dugan.

[NBRiverGuy]

NBRiverguy, has your therapist mentioned Co Dependecy to you?

I mentioned it to her at my last session. She said the she suspects that I am definitely codependent, but not in all of my relationships. Just to this one person. She gave me a codependency test and I scored a 19 out of 25 indicating that I need the help of a professional. I yelled, "That's why I'm here!" lol