Really want to work on reversing my maladaptive coping habits

[Orcplow]

Hi everyone. It has been about seven years since I have cruised these forums, and I am about to leave the same relationship with a AVPD BF that brought me here initially. A lot has happened since then while many things have remained the same.

I have always often suspected that I was actually the abusive partner and used this (amateur) diagnosis of my bf as a justification for my inappropriate reactions to normal rejection, and I have tried not to focus on the reasons he treats me the way he does and attempt to be more at peace with myself, hoping eventually I'll become a partner who is mature enough to live harmoniously with.

This never goes as planned. I know for certain that the behaviors I've endured in this relationship are not acceptable or healthy. I also know for certain that the way I respond to him or even think about him are also unacceptable.

I have finally made the decision to leave my job and home and the state I moved to for him and return to my home state. I do not have a lot of financial resources but I am hire-able and have loved ones I can lean on until I get on my feet. I am not too worried about my material needs being met but I am concerned that I have changed and may be harmful to the people who love me.

Some of the characteristics I've developed and like the least about myself include:
Not wanting to be around people for significant periods of time.

Anger that is disproportionate to the thing that is angering me.

Hyper focusing on the negative traits of someone I love until I've created a caricature of them in my mind that is ONLY the bad things.

Feeling less empathy in general.

I want to tackle these things and sincerely improve myself enough for it to reflect on how I make others feel when they are around me. I know it will take a lot of time and effort and I don't know where to start. I want to avoid going down a road where I just read about narcissistic abuse and use that info to just excuse myself for being a shitty person. I have so much bitterness to shed.

Any advice or resources or encouragement is welcome. Sorry if that was all a bit vague and tangential. I just know I among people who understand. Thank you!

[NarcKiddo]

Have you had a look at The Attachment Project website? Some of the things you say remind me of avoidant people (I am one) so maybe the website will have some useful things for you to think about.

Disproportionate anger sounds like a trauma response of some kind and may even stem from childhood given you have formed suspicions you might be the abusive one. Anyone I have come across who is self-aware enough to suppose they may be abusive and has a desire to work on that is generally someone who has been abused themselves at some point and who is now reacting from that place.

I wish you well.

[Rebel13]

Hi Orcplow,

I celebrate your decision to change your life and get yourself to a happier, safer place. I know how hard that is.

All of the items on your list sound like they could possibly be the result of abuse from someone with a personality disorder. I identify with many of them after having been raised by a self-absorbed, entitled, high-conflict, possibly narcissistic mother. I've worked hard to overcome these things also.

The first thing I would suggest is kind of squelching yourself. Sounds weird, but it sounds like you're not trusting yourself right now. If you're trusting people that you're around (your loved ones, new coworkers etc.), then take a little time before reacting, to make sure you really need to defend yourself as strongly as you feel like doing. There are lots of techniques for this, like counting to 5 or 10 before responding, memorizing a few neutral-sounding comments (look at the medium chill and gray rock articles in the Toolbox for examples), simply repeating a person's comment or question back to them to give yourself time to think, etc.

Once you are away from the abusive situation, hopefully you will find some of this stuff recedes naturally for you. Other behaviors might take longer, might need specific work, or additional help. One resource I particularly like is Emma McAdam who is on Youtube as Therapy in a Nutshell. She has many, many videos that address specific mental health topics and situations, so you might be able to find one that speaks to whatever is concerning you most at any given moment. If you are able to work with a therapist who is educated about the effects of trauma, I would highly encourage you. I have been doing that for about six months now and it is helping me immeasurably. I've been in different types of therapy many times over the years. I feel like everything helped some, but understanding the impact of trauma really facilitates my progress and makes all my other tools and tactics work better.

Best of luck to you!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome back, Orcplow!  Fleas are also not uncommon after spending time with pwPDs.  Working with a trauma T who understands PDs can be helpful.  It's wonderful you want to do this work!