Video - 30 Reasons to Stay in an Abusive Relationship

[MaxedOut]

Saw this video by Professor Sam Vaknin on another forum and I wish I would have come across it sooner. A large part of "the work" for me in the past year is figuring out what kept me stuck. This captures a lot of those things (N/A for others). It comes from a psych, using research on people's reported reasons for staying. Long and a little dry for our era of reels and YouTube content producers but very good info (and brings up
narcissism and borderline mentions). Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8wylByoCMs. Transcript here: https://vaknin-talks.com/transcripts/30_Reasons_to_STAY_in_Abusive_Relationship_NOT/.

I'm not into the women losing attractiveness at 18 and unlikely to have later relationship stuff and weird gendered stuff. And the premise of low-self esteem, bad FOOs, beneficial transactional arrangements, are certainly not my experience (emotional things like FOG, responsibility, love, etc. were my sticking points).

This may be about queer communities but my 40/50+ friends have met new folks, started new relationships with few exceptions, and friends who are straight women single later on life seem to have done fine too.

But, having a run of common reasons and counter arguments and (overly) acknowledging potential realities is helpful even if this dude is a bit of a sexist jerk. I've come across good listings in books but videos usually are parsing topics when sometimes it is good to consider the collection. YMMV. (I'd love someone like Guy Winch to make a similar video so the jerkiness is not distracting.)

[downwiththefog]

thanks for the link! I'm happy there is a full transcript - it's very interesting

[NBRiverGuy]

The only reason from the video that is really holding me hostage is guilt, but guilt is a powerful captor.

This quote from the video really opened my eyes. I need to watch it repeatedly.

Breaking up makes you feel guilty, it's a fact. And yes, you are causing pain and consternation and anger and other negative emotions. But, don't stay because of that because you owe your partner nothing and your partner owes you nothing. It's not a transaction. It's not about give and take. Love is about growing together and enhancing each other. Not about taking from each other. There's no guarantee that you will not cause pain to each other; not even in the marriage vows.