Wanting to end marriage - feeling so helpless

[almost_helpless]

Hi all,

I am the husband of a wife with BPD. She is the 'quiet' type which is marked more by depressive episodes, rage (often targeted at herself), and less overt manipulation. She never puts me down but she does not exactly support me. I won't go into the full details of our story, but I would like to end things.

We are living together with her family, she has no friends, and a small support network. In the past, whenever difficult emotions are brought up, suicide becomes a real threat from her. It's never "do not leave me or I will kill myself" but more like, just spiraling depression and panic until she will start to say its what she wants. This can happen from something as small as too many noises at the grocery store, or from a larger event like an emotional conflict between us.

I have been trying to get the courage to end this for about 6 months. I am a chronic people pleaser and codependent. I cannot stand the thought of hurting her out of fear that she will harm herself. My low self esteem makes me believe that the suffering caused by the split cannot possibly be worth it, but I am not happy here. How can I justify leaving? She has never cheated, called me names, etc. But the 'abuse' I guess comes in the form of having to talk her down every few weeks from some depressive episode. Our intimate life is almost dead.

I am in therapy but I guess I have yet to find the silver bullet. I think every day, all day about how to get the strength to end things but every time I bring up the topic, she begs and pleads, and the fears come back about the self harm, and I end up relenting.

If anyone has been through anything similar, please offer your wisdom. Thanks.

[MaxedOut]

It is so tough almost_helpless and can keep someone stuck for years. I have recently ended my marriage with uBPDW and suicidality was/is a huge issue. Similarly, her support network has basically eroded away over the years. I think there are a few major areas in dealing with this and in dealing with the situation you describe. There are the more practical pieces. There is the work inside ourselves to come to terms with the situation. And then there is navigating the actual process of ending/leaving.

I can share my experience with you, though it's super individual so by no means consider it advice. Fear of my SO killing herself if I leave has been one of the biggest things keeping me hooked and stuck. And being freshly on the other side, I am super relieved she didn't kill herself while dysregulated after the break and seems to be steadying. But that is also no guarantee it won't happen tomorrow, or a year from now, or down the road.

I have specifically talked with a therapist about her and suicide, about my concerns, about past attempts/behaviors, etc. It has been important. I have also unpacked a lot when it comes to my own history with losing people to suicide, including a dating relationship in my teens, as that was important in understanding some of my reactions, fear, ways of thinking about things. When you have spent a huge amount of time thinking "If only I had..." in response to a prior suicide, it is super hard to reach a point where you will not do *whatever* to "keep someone safe."

I wrote this a few months ago about trying to deal with the issue:

I remind myself:
- I cannot control her reactions
- I am not responsible for another person's choice about their own and only life
- It is deeply unfair that I am told I would be responsible and am expected to regulate her emotional state when in crisis (especially since it usually comes with abusive behaviors)
- Without me/us she likely would not be here now
- Even with me here, she has overdosed several times
- Repeated worry about this, and close calls, and emotional blackmail has really damaged me and that's not OK

I don't actually have a lot of hope at this point that her quality of life will significantly improve, which is heartbreaking and also something I cannot control either...

Coming to terms with all of this has been a journey but I feel more clear on things these days. Marriage is not a suicide pact and at some point, you need to save yourself AND I need to save myself.

Things that were helpful included books that helped my better understand the emotional manipulation/blackmail aspects of this. I don't think it is intentional in my SO's case, but it is one of the more abusive and controlling things that can happen in a relationship. Unlocking from my SO's reality bubble is also important. Being clear on things like "She says she'll die or kill herself if I leave/we break up. And that is an incredibly harmful thing to say/do to someone you love."  And "When I have set totally reasonable boundaries, it has destabilized her enough to overdose more than once. That means I am in a situation where I cannot set healthy boundaries without fear that my spouse may die. That is wildly unhealthy and not sustainable.

A particularly good tool for me was Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward (good understanding and process/tips for handling stuff like this). In my case books on emotional abuse, narcissistic/borderline abuse and recovery were also helpful while still in the relationship. But ultimately, I had to become OK with not knowing, with potentially having a split trigger a successful attempt. That is a really good area for therapy.

On the practicalities, it was important for me to think about safety planning not just for myself but for her. Attempts to get her to engage in safety planning with me or with her providers were not particularly useful (there are even mobile apps that help folks build out safety plans). So it became something I talked over and planned with my therapist. Questions to explore can be things like "What help might she accept?" "Who should be notified about a split to ensure she stays safe?" "Should I have a general talk with her prescriber and/or therapist?" "Who can inform her provider of potential safety concerns if we split?" "Does her family understand the risk and would they be open to being called into action?" "What are potential immediate dangers that could be a problem and can/should I or her family protect against access (firearms, medication supplies)?" I had also hoped to get her into a better situation with an ongoing therapist or something like a DBT program. That didn't pan out, but was part of trying to create a stronger situation. These are not obligations, but were important to me.

Navigating the end/split is something that I think is super specific to the person. I had already been direct in prior conflicts about it not being ok to threaten suicide and that I hope she would not but that I am not responsible for her or someone else choice. It still was super present in communications leading up to and following me saying I was leaving. There is a lot more about how suicidality played out in the relationship prior.

A few other things important in my experience. The previous assurances and seemingly protective role that our relationship served eroded over time, and she was attempting or recklessly medicating more. So, while leaving may trigger something, staying was not preventing stuff either. I think part of that is about her mental health degrading further and part of it is probably about the relationship degrading and shame around dependency/caregiving/etc. Even with increasing incidents, she was willing to do less (other than FOG me!) about her depression/suicidality, whether preventative or when in crisis. If she is not willing to access treatment, not willing to go to the hospital, not willing to engage in true safety planning, not willing to talk through what to do about it – why should I be willing to sacrifice my own wellness, happiness, and self-efficacy? Part of me working through this issue has also been taking a realistic inventory of how damaging this specific fear, cycle, worry, and mountain of helpless distress has taken on me. Bearing witness to the ongoing existential suffering and hoplessness of your primary person... that is incredibly destructive longterm. And having it also be used as a lever of control... it literally breaks down your physical health not just mental wellness.

I can't help loving or caring or worrying. I can help staying in a situation in partnership that cycles through suicical ideation and crisis, over and over again. I can know I need to leave. I can know that creates an especially risky period. I can plan to help mitigate that risk (or not, again I am not responsible for another person choosing to end their life). That means the risk period needs to be navigated regardless - sooner or later. Staying in it only means more damage to me (and I think maybe to her) before the especially risky period happens.

As an aside, I feel like education for the public about suicide prevention and responding to people in crisis is largely predicated on a situation of someone who is experiencing transient but significant depression, crisis, or substance abuse issues. Situation we ourselves may have had – and are glad we made it through and see the distorted thinking and such as a specific feature of that time. It is often not about those who have major mental health issues otherwise or for loved ones navigating situations where suicide is part of control and manipulation. I don't know what a standard roadmap for that looks like but I know it is different. And part of things is understanding that, yes, it could happen. And maybe it would have already happened, had I not been here. And maybe the relationship is actually making things worse and things get better. And, and, and... and these are things I can neither predict nor control.