HOLIDAY - Should I Cancel Last Minute?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

This is a hard year for holidays after losing some people in my life.  In recent years some on my side of the family (including me) have been ousted from holiday celebrations by uPD, kind of as if we never were part of the family. It happened to someone more vulnerable than I am first for no apparent reason.  I spoke up for that person and I was next.

After some conversation, my adult kid got us invited back this year.  I've been happy about it and planning what dishes I can contribute that would fit in.  It had seemed for a bit that uPD has been losing some of the prior antipathy and maybe we can all enjoy each other.

Out of nowhere yesterday uPD lets me know my presence is going to cause discomfort because none of their side of the family like "outsiders."  And BTW, apropos of nothing, I have poor taste in furniture and something should be done about that.  Ummm.  I've been in the family in the same town for 1/2 of uPD's life and always gotten along well with everyone.  Outsider?

To go or not to go.  I'm trying to figure out which would be better for me. Tell them I'm not coming in light of the comments?   Ignore uPD and see how it goes with the option to leave early if I don't want to be there?  Treat it in my mind like uPD is a 4YO or brain damaged and doesn't know the impact of their words (though they're plenty smart really)?   

It doesn't help that I grew up in a PD FOO where making you feel like you don't belong and everyone would have been better off if you hadn't been born was great sport.  My default was always to hide myself away in shame.   Not really feeling shame over this - which is HUGE progress - but it does anger me.  I  hate dealing with personality disorders!

[moglow]

Without knowing any of the backstory, in all honesty you have no way of knowing if anything of the sort was said or even implied. It wasn't said to you, best case scenario you're getting this thirdhand via someone who's been known to twist things in the past. Maybe he's feeling insecure and that's where this is coming from? So take it in that context. FWIW I don't think you have anything to explain or address unless/until it's said TO you by "those people."

I wouldn't cancel and would continue on with whatever I had planned to take for the meal. Beyond that, see how you feel when you get there. Maybe shorten the visit - or lengthen if you're enjoying it.

[SonofThunder]

Without knowing any of the backstory, in all honesty you have no way of knowing if anything of the sort was said or even implied. It wasn't said to you, best case scenario you're getting this thirdhand via someone who's been known to twist things in the past. Maybe he's feeling insecure and that's where this is coming from? So take it in that context. FWIW I don't think you have anything to explain or address unless/until it's said TO you by "those people."

I wouldn't cancel and would continue on with whatever I had planned to take for the meal. Beyond that, see how you feel when you get there. Maybe shorten the visit - or lengthen if you're enjoying it.

  +1

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

PERFECT, Moglow and SOT!  I talked with a few friends who aren't PD-aware and they were incensed and said "I hope you'd never accept an invitation after being treated like that!!!!"  Like I'd be sacrificing my dignity.   

UPD is the only person who will be there I've ever not been on good terms with and I happen to know some of them like me a lot, as I do them.  The firsthand of it was really uPD in saying "None of US like outsiders, " meaning, I take it, that's how uPD feels. Tough cookies.  

A friend of a friend who was a really smart, kind person ended up with brain cancer.  As it progressed, her personality would sometimes change and she'd become very emotional or blurt out inappropriate, offensive things at times.   No one took it seriously or personally.  They'd just ignore it and understand she couldn't help it.

I thought this might be a good mindset to have with uPD.  Like  you do with a child.  It's as  close to "detach with love"  as  I can figure out right now -- one of my favorite Alanon slogans.

BTW, this Thanksgiving I give thanks for this forum and support site.  It's a lifesaver!