Why do I feel empathy for my mom being alone during the holidays?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I blocked all forms of communication from everyone in my FOO, but my mom's assisted living facility called last week. I did not take the calls or return the messages, but they stated they needed assistance in obtaining something for my mother. The message also said that they had called her other daughter first, but she told them to call me about it because she is gone for the holidays.

Ugh! First, I was irked that my sister likely thinks she is so sly to still manipulate things to her advantage by using third parties to involve me. Second, I realize my mom will be alone for the holidays at her assisted living with no family around. It will be a stark contrast to the holidays of past years when she always had a house full of family, neighbors, food and decorations. Now, I just envision her sitting in the dining room without my dad for the first time in 60 years among mostly strangers and paid staff. 
 
I am surprised that I feel sadness and sympathy for her. I am not going to let that lead me to involve myself with her though. It just makes me sad. I think mom and dad placed their trust in the child who is incapable of meeting any of mom's needs if it does not lead to some personal benefit to her. While mom will be physically safe, I know this is not what she or dad ever wanted. However, I do believe she will be living her life in a manner that she and my dad created - not only just recently, but every day through their own behaviors and choices they made.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Because, despite it all, you still have a beating heart and don't like the thought of anyone suffering. Thank goodness you can still feel this and your heart is still alive. She created this, AND it's very sad.

[bloomie]

Blueberry Pancakes - I think about the law of sowing and reaping at times like this. Every single one of us will find ourselves sitting in a field surrounded by what we have planted. Your compassion for your mother is admirable. Not allowing your emotions to propel you into contact you do not want is wisdom.

[NarcKiddo]

  A million times that.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Cordelia, Bloomie and NarcKiddo. Your understanding helps so much. Thanks.

[Rebel13]

I had this too, yesterday or the day before. Thinking of her sitting alone in her house, struggling with health problems. I felt an almost overwhelming wave of sadness for her. But, it passed. Like you all say, she created her situation by the choices she made each day of her life, and she could still change things if she chose to. I'm glad I am able to feel compassion for her, and also glad I've figured out I don't need to do anything about it, except feel that feeling and let it go when it's ready to.

[blacksheep7]

I am not the first to say it........you are a caring person with a good heart! 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Rebel and Blacksheep. The day after Thanksgiving, I realized these feelings of sorrow / sympathy had subsided.
 
Acknowledging the feeling, but not acting on it and letting it ebb and flow seems like the best course for me. Sometimes I see these feelings may be "rescue" and "fixer" behaviors that I believe can evolve when one was slotted as the family scapegoat.   

It is OK to care but not take on any of it. Thanks.     

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Blueberry Pancakes,

I agree with what others have already shared here. This is how you feel, because you are a compassionate person.

I also think that in many cases, this is a part of the growth process that sometimes gets called post-abuse growth. We come to certain realizations about humanity, that most people might never reach. Not everyone with a PD parent comes to these realizations but some of us do.

Learning about NPD and PTSD, I now have an understanding as to how our PD / narcissistic parent got to where they are today. And I have an emotional system that includes compassion. So then as the adult survivor of narc parents, part of my growth work is to understand all that it means, to have PD parents. And one truth that I have to carry, is that parents can have a PD, and that PD can be incurable, which means I have to stay away from that parent, for my own good. Even when I know what caused their PD. I can't cure it.

It means knowing that their PD took them down a sad road in their own life. I have compassion for the narcissists in my life, but I also stay the hell away from all of them. Researchers know what creates the conditions for narcisissm in a person, but they have not figured out how to cure it yet.

It is a very sad state of affairs as a PD parent ages and no one wants to spend time with them. The narc parent has lived a life where they sought supply instead of understanding. And I have lived a life where I have sought understanding instead of supply. And I tried to get them to reach for understanding instead of supply, and they couldn't do it. This catches up to them.

We know the truth about their capacity to treat us well. Their behaviors are disordered. There's no denying it right? It is hard to know some of this - that this person's disorder took them down a certain road. And that road no longer includes a healthy relationship with us. We can have compassion. We can feel the losses on all sides. Everyone has lost out due to this incurable PD.

Because there is no effective medical treatment to change a NPD parent into a safe loving parent, some of us are stuck feeling compassion for someone we can't have a close relationship with. For some of us, NC is the only safe option. Which is sad. This is a form of compassion that a lot of people don't develop unless they have to. If they have loving non-PD parents, they might never need to go through the emotional processes that we have to go through. The other way people avoid this growth is to stay in the FOG, which obviously is not the path you're on.

I do not know if the PD's in my life were able to change and simply refused to, or if their disorder means they were actually unable to change. I think a lot of us adult kids of Narc parents ponder this. Why didn't they do something about their narcissism? Did they not realize they'd end up alone if they didn't change their narc ways? At some point in their life why didn't they grow out of it?

These are normal questions for an adult survivor of parental narc abuse. With the holidays coming up, I know that none of the happy visiting I wanted, can happen because these narcs didn't grow up and change. They just stayed narcissistic. It can be really hard to see other people enjoy the holidays because their family has not unravelled the way mine has. So I think there's a lot of emotion at this time of year, for those of us with Narc parents.

Trees

[Rebel13]

Sometimes I see these feelings may be "rescue" and "fixer" behaviors that I believe can evolve when one was slotted as the family scapegoat.   

Oh my gosh yes.  So true.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Trees. I suppose having zero interaction with my FOO is more apparent this time of year. I do believe it is what occurs when a family has unraveled, and you then live with the knowledge of what pulled it apart.   
         
Your reference about the emotional processes we go through when having a PD parent that ultimately leads to growth is what I think can be the silver lining for those who do not remain in the fog. We come to new realizations about humanity and likely alter paths we take and how we interact with others. For me, I thought the change was huge and I never would have gotten here without coming out the other side of a gigantic obstacle course. 

The contrast of those who seek supply versus those who seek understanding is also a key aspect to me. I know it set me apart from my mom, dad and sister, but none of them would ever join me where I was.   

There is also something about developing compassion along this road and NOT seeing it as a weakness as others may have labeled it early in our lives. Instead, we see it as a human experience we can balance with wisdom on when to act upon it.
   
Thank you, Trees.  Thanks again to everyone.

[Sidney37]

I'll agree with the comments above that it's because you are a compassionate person.  You have feelings about others. You don't want to see people suffer.  It seems after being here all of these years that our PD's love to see other people suffer.  They think we deserve it for some unreasonable reason.

I think it's also because this time of year is just damned hard for those of us who are estranged from our families.  You know how you feel and you assume your PD is feeling lonely in the same way and for the same reason you are.  I'm not sure they are capable of feeling it the same way we are. And it's so hard to see and hear everyone all around talking and asking about what relatives you are going to see for the holidays. It's inevitable and so hard. 

I've been seeing the same massage therapist and physical therapist for about 18 months.  That means this year they asked about my family and the holidays because I've only mentioned my husband's family all of this time.  I never know how to answer and I made the mistake of saying we were estranged.  I was stuck on a massage table defending myself and saying nope, we won't reconcile.  The therapist kept insisting she hoped we'd resolve and see each other soon. 

It's so hard to see all of the commercials, tv shows, movies, etc. with families getting together and knowing I will probably never see a blood relative other than my kids again. It's ok to be sad and confused this time of year. We understand.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Why didn't they do something about their narcissism? Did they not realize they'd end up alone if they didn't change their narc ways? At some point in their life why didn't they grow out of it?

Trees, I've so often wondered this, especially when our relationship was falling apart and every dang thing they did to get me back was only pushing me farther out the door. I say I have a problem with the way you've treated me, and the solution is to double down and start telling complete lies about how I'm an unfit mother and don't even have food in my house? Really? That will fix it? I've also watched them burn out friendship after friendship by just being plain weird. At no point did I ever see any kind of awareness that they are the common factor in their failed relationships. All blame lies elsewhere. But I guess that's the defining feature of narcissism. The closest I ever saw to self-awareness was when, in writing, my father said he was entitled to a relationship with me no matter what. His mother hurt him, but he always visited her. But then that glimmer was gone. HE never hurt HIS daughter. So who the hell do I think I am to cut him off?

Hi Sidney! Long time no see. That stinks about the massage therapist. Hard to relax when you're stuck in that conversation. I too will probably never see a blood relative again. Solidarity and happy holidays. Funny, my holidays are SO MUCH BETTER now. I know you get that but I feel like I have to downplay that with some people. It makes them realllly uncomfortable. Yep. Cutting everyone off was uncomfortable too. It's okay.

[Sidney37]

Why didn't they do something about their narcissism? Did they not realize they'd end up alone if they didn't change their narc ways? At some point in their life why didn't they grow out of it?

Trees, I've so often wondered this, especially when our relationship was falling apart and every dang thing they did to get me back was only pushing me farther out the door. I say I have a problem with the way you've treated me, and the solution is to double down and start telling complete lies about how I'm an unfit mother and don't even have food in my house? Really? That will fix it? I've also watched them burn out friendship after friendship by just being plain weird. At no point did I ever see any kind of awareness that they are the common factor in their failed relationships. All blame lies elsewhere. But I guess that's the defining feature of narcissism. The closest I ever saw to self-awareness was when, in writing, my father said he was entitled to a relationship with me no matter what. His mother hurt him, but he always visited her. But then that glimmer was gone. HE never hurt HIS daughter. So who the hell do I think I am to cut him off?

I think about this often, too.  If my children came to me saying they were upset about how I have handled a situation or something I have said to them, I wouldn't double down.  I wonder if it's at all generational, just a PD response or a combination of both.  My teenage kids have come to me saying they haven't liked how I've handled something and we've talked about it.  If I'm wrong, I've apologized and shown them how I'm going to do things differently.  And I show them that I'm working hard to change.  I'm not perfect. No one is.  I'm capable of change.  I want my kids to see that I can change when wrong.  Is this refusal to apologize and change at all rooted in just being 70-80 years old?  I'm not sure. I certainly don't want to be this way when I'm 70.

Oh Cordelia.  I've gotten the same from my enD.  He listed out all of the abusive things his parents did to him and shamed me for going MC and NC because he didn't stop speaking to his parents when they were so horrible.  He pointed out all of the terrible things my grandmother said to my mother and shamed me because my mother didn't go NC with her mother.  It makes me fearful that my kids will say that while my parents were terrible that I did X and Y so they will also go NC with me.  I actually had a therapist who recommended against NC because it will lead to my kids doing it to me. I hope it's not the case but I had little choice for my own health to walk away.

[Sidney37]

Hi Sidney! Long time no see. That stinks about the massage therapist. Hard to relax when you're stuck in that conversation. I too will probably never see a blood relative again. Solidarity and happy holidays. Funny, my holidays are SO MUCH BETTER now. I know you get that but I feel like I have to downplay that with some people. It makes them realllly uncomfortable. Yep. Cutting everyone off was uncomfortable too. It's okay.

Thanks!  It took another number of months of therapy to be able to read other people's similar stories without being terribly triggered.  Finally found a therapist who understands PDs and cptsd.  The ones in the past who understood cptsd didn't get PD and felt bad for my parents or suggested that I was making a huge mistake to be NC.  The ones who got PD seemed to think I should go NC with anyone who had even a hint of PD like symptoms including relatives of DH who are neurodivergent and not PD.  I was getting completely isolated after cutting off everyone around.

I'm so sorry that your situation is so similar to mine.  Happy holidays to you as well!!  And yes, holidays are so much less stressful without  the family drama!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Sidney,

I'm so sorry that happened with the massage therapist bing so ignorant. I remember a few years ago, I was at an event and I overheard two ladies chatting before the event started. One asked about the other's family and she said we're estranged and the other person (who was probably in her 60's) actually said "I've never heard of that before". I almost fell over.

Give me a break. You've never heard of people in a family ending up in a place where the relationship fell apart. I really doubt she had not heard of this in her long life. She just didn't want to think about it. And I think that is hard on us survivors who are NC. All the people who don't want to get it - and are not supportive towards us.

I bet they can be sympathetic towards someone who is battling an illness they've never had, or a disability they've never had, but then estrangement? they just act like they can't possibly get some compassion for us. What BS it is when people deny our experiences like that.

Well there's my rant for today lol. I just think survivors are deserving of compassion at this time of year - otherwise what are they going on about when they say this is the most wonderful time of the year exactly? Its about them. Which reminds of us someone we used to know....

There is a lot you can tell people and they will have a sympathetic response. and then when we tell people about our estrangement, you never know. It would be nice if more people understood how to talk to us survivors of NC. Just being kinder would be a start.

It is a hard time of year for us survivors of narc abuse.

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh Cordelia.  I've gotten the same from my enD.  He listed out all of the abusive things his parents did to him and shamed me for going MC and NC because he didn't stop speaking to his parents when they were so horrible.  He pointed out all of the terrible things my grandmother said to my mother and shamed me because my mother didn't go NC with her mother.  It makes me fearful that my kids will say that while my parents were terrible that I did X and Y so they will also go NC with me.  I actually had a therapist who recommended against NC because it will lead to my kids doing it to me. I hope it's not the case but I had little choice for my own health to walk away.

Sorry for the delayed reply here!

Both of those things, the shaming because well *I* was tough enough to take the abuse and the, "Well you'll reap what you sow with YOUR children," seem like two variations on the same theme. Shame and fear into keeping the status quo. Yuck yuck yuck.

For what it's worth, I think it's BS on both counts. I have estrangements in my extended family history as well, and I bet from the outside it looks like I'm just continuing the old patterns. But from what I know, it's so not the same. Two of my great aunts wouldn't speak to each other, but they would play games of passing along messages to each other through the other siblings and nonsense like that. It's clear they weren't doing the same kind of work I am to be a healthy individual. Neither of them took any responsibility for the rift, it was all HER fault and I'll speak to her when SHE speaks to me. So that's the sort of immature power game most people think of when we say NC. People equate it with silent treatment.

And even if we ARE just plain weaker and more sensitive than your mom and my dad... Shouldn't our parents CARE about that? Wouldn't a normal response to, "You are hurting me," be to, wait for it... STOP the hurtful behavior? You and I, as parents, don't turn into bullies when challenged. (And I'm constantly second-guessing my parenting and making darn SURE I'm not being a bully.) If my parents had had even that minimal level of self-reflection and ability to change behavior, we wouldn't be NC today. You and I have nothing to worry about from our kids, in my opinion.

[JustKathy]

Why do I feel empathy for my mom being alone during the holidays?

It's because you have a good heart. You're a kind and caring person who feels empathy toward others, even those who have been cruel to you.

I'm the same way, and it's the reason we became the target child. The empath is always the one targeted. But you know what, it's okay. It's a good thing. We're everything our parents weren't.

Sending you hugs.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I'm the same way, and it's the reason we became the target child. The empath is always the one targeted. But you know what, it's okay. It's a good thing. We're everything our parents weren't.

Sending you hugs.

Thank you, JustKathy. Reminders that it is OK to feel that way is always a comfort. When having empathy has been used by others in ways that works against you, it can seem like having empathy is a bad thing or makes you easy to manipulate. I suppose it is not in how you feel - but in how you act that really is the difference maker.  (And yes, I am everything my parents weren't and everything my sibling isn't.) Thank you.       
   

[treesgrowslowly]

  JustKathy you nailed it! Sending you a hug too, and everyone here!

Blueberry Pancakes, I thought of your posts here when I saw what my IL's sent over as "gifts" on the 25th. After I spent time thinking about the gifts for them. Then when I saw the junk they sent over, I thought oh goodness what is wrong with me? Why did I bother buying them nice gifts yet again. When will I learn??

I'd really like to learn how to buy something inexpensive for someone, who buys cheap stuff for me. Next year I hope I just buy some cheap items at the dollar store for the people who buy us cheap stuff from the dollar store. I can't believe I still care about their gifts after all this time. Ugh.

Like JustKathy said, it is because we are everything they are not. Especially at this time of year...ugh!

trees