Good things for the holidays

[Marianne]

Today I made a switch.

Years ago a therapist warned me. She knew my family well. Both my parents and brother. She was friends with my brother, but after a shared holiday she never wanted to see him again. She said there was no love (not sure I agree with that), acceptance of me, acknowledging of flaws or self-reflection in my family. That I was more sensitive than they. And needed to get out. Because I could not force them into love or self-reflection.

My family said they were unconditionally loving and so very helpful. That nobody loved me or helped me, except them. That I could not trust others. And it was very kind of them to love me, with the despicable character I had. That everyone who said I was kind, did not really know me. Only they did (even if my brothers did not see me for five years and rarely for 20 years). 

I wasted years. Pining for my family. Especially with the holidays.

We have two Christmas days. First and Second. Last Christmas they planned Christmas with all of them and my kid. And without me. They did not discuss it. Or inform me until I asked about Christmas. They said it was only normal. I told them everyone was welcome at my house, but my kid would be with me, with or without them. On the First day of Christmas. They changed all their plans to the Second Day of Christmas. As to not have to be with me. And had great fun. Whilst I cried and wanted to heal my family.

My dad then guilttripped me into inviting him the First day of Christmas. He whined that it was very sad for himself to be alone. I asked him: isn't that the same for me? He thought not. I invited him. I love him, I do not want him to be alone.

I also inquired if they didn't think all this to be unkind to kid. They did not. 

After this they told everyone for months, how mean I was, as to ruin their Christmas. That I was being very difficult. I asked if they didn't think it a bit strange to plan Christmas with my kid, without informing me. They said it was normal.

The last days I decided to distance myself. And stop pining. And get myself together for my kid.

It is as if the skies turned blue.

I suddenly see...

...I have a loving kid. We spend Christmas together. I can make it cosy for us two. Give him all my
   attention. I'm collecting little attentive presents. Making the house nice.
...We can visit church with Christmas Eve. We have a church family. When my brothers ignored me when I
   was in hospital for months...my church family called and visited and send cards and flowers and
   prayed over me and kid. 
...We can go to a restaurant. There is a restaurant we frequent. And have nice contact with the owners.
...We can visit friends in the holidays. I have a few trustworthy and loyal and kind friends. They
   stayed with me through thick and thin. I will help my friend paint his new house.
...On New Years Eve kid is with my dad. I will not come. I will spend the evening with people from my
   street. We see each other a lot. We comfort each other when sad. We share joys and laughs.
...I will start working again. I have nice colleagues and I love the kids I work with. They are genuine.
...I have the sweetest social worker. She connected me to another client. I'm buying little christmas
   presents for her too. It is a volunteering project.

All of them think I am a nice person. I never believed them. And kept pining over three people who tought I was ugly and dumb, crazy and evil, manipulative and stupid...ever since I was an 8 year old girl. Who was actually put next to the worst kids in class all the time, because I calmed them down. And I nearly became what they said I was. Because it hurt so much. That I screamed at them: LOVE ME! STOP HURTING ME AND KID! STOP! PLEASE STOP BEING SO MEAN! YOU ARE HURTING US!

When all this time. I could have walked out. And focused on kid. And on this whole bunch of people who invite us for Christmas. Visit us when sick. Invite us to go on a holiday together. Invite us for dinner. Because they enjoy our company. Say they think I am sweet and pretty and honest. Dry my tears when I cry. Laugh with me. For years and years.

And I have the most loving kid ever. I was so terrified of what my family did. That I myself collapsed. And could not be there. I cannot change the past. I wish I could. But I will be there for him from now on. And let my family think what they think, and do what they do.

And after I healed myself. I will be kind to them. Because one of us needs to stop being angry. Without any expectation to love me back.