DH's parents are both dead & there is a lightness in our lives

[sandpiper]

I am so rarely here on the boards these days but I like to check in around the holidays...the people I met here will always stay in my heart as Family of Choice who guided me out of the hell fog.
The past few years saw DH's mother & then his father slide off the perch. Hard work for him, and the typical frustrations for me.
It's been over a year now since his father died, and this time last year I was just exhausted, having had much of the job of sorting out his stuff dumped on me.
At least that opened DH's eyes to what his brother's family were like. That led to us changing our wills so that they will never have power over us when we are old and frail. His brother is a functioning alcoholic who has never dealt with the damage caused by having such disordered and self-absorbed parents. The niece seems to have inherited the worst traits of FIL the NPD and it's been awful to watch her transform from a child who was self-absorbed into an adult who has a great deal of charm and potential but who, like her grandfather, simply views the human beings around her as a source of supply. Nephew enables her at every turn. SIL spent a good 30 years supporting the concept that I was the problem and came very late to the realisation of just how disordered the in-laws actually were. While it was satisfying to have them say to me twenty years into that journey 'I wonder if MIL has BPD and FIL seems like a narcissist,' it drew a quiet eye-roll for me, as there was no awareness of how the family had treated me.
It is so sad to see the disorder being passed on.
We've arranged our affairs so that three of our 'nieces' who are FOC, the children of our oldest and most beloved friends, have taken their place.
That was quite a process and I knew there was no point in having a confrontation with the actual family.
Make the changes, keep working with VLC and, the best advice - make yourself very uninteresting to them.
This is the legacy of finding these boards over 20 years ago.
We've found our way out of that tangled web, built good lives for ourselves.
When I look at my life now compared to where I was then...I remember what some of the older members said to us newbies.
The path up that hill is hard, and it is wearying.
But have faith. Once you get to the top of that hill, the view is amazing.
It's true, and I'm so grateful for the life we've built, away from the abuse and the dysfunction.
Boundaries work, therapy works, learning new skills - it all works.
As my T said many years ago...small changes will shift your trajectory and you will end up in a completely different place than if you stay inside the abuse.
So this is my Xmas card of thanks and encouragement.
Big love to all those that helped me, and to all of you who are slogging up that hill.

[bloomie]

sandpiper - what joy to see your name come up here and to read your update! Celebrating the victories won that are a result of staying the course, doing the work, staying away from all of the dysfunction! So incredibly proud for you and thankful for how well you are doing! Good to hear from you!!!

[sandpiper]

Thanks Bloomie     that is really sweet of you.
I can remember my T telling us that as we rebuilt our lives, one day we'd be so busy with all of the good stuff that it would just take over from the things that were tearing us apart.
TBH I really couldn't imagine that, but it's true.
At this time of year I always miss my disordered FOO but I've come to think of it as the urge to self-harm, and I make better choices.
And it is so good to see DH free of all that at last, too.
I love you guys soooo much and am so grateful for the lighthouse keepers at these boards that kept me off the rocks.