Not sure what to do . . .

[Adria]

Moved back to a town where my friend lives.  All she talked about is all the things we were going to do together.  Turns out the only time we seem to get together is when she is at work two days a week and wants to go to lunch.  At lunch she talks about going shopping next week or, helping me decorate my house, etc.  Nothing ever materializes except lunch. 

I pulled away from her because she makes me feel like she's just using me, or I'm an option unless some better offer comes along, and brags about doing things with other people.

When I pulled away, she showed up at my door telling me how she doesn't want to lose my friendship and that she's been crying over it. I was straight up with her and told her I didn't feel she respected my time and that I felt like an option.  That day, she said, "I'm going to take a two hour lunch so we can catch up, but we need to go down south and go shopping next week."  Nope, didn't happen. Now, it's back to just doing lunch, despite all the plans she keeps talking about.

I'm at a place in my life where I don't have the extra energy for mind games and being jerked around. I'm tempted to pull away for good, but it makes me feel sad.

I don't know if I should feel as irked as I do, but it feels like she's manipulating me in order to keep me on the line so she has someone to take her to lunch when she's at work.  That might be okay if she was straight up about it, except she keeps making plans and dropping them.   

[bloomie]

Adria - Friendships like this are like a rock in our shoe. How can a relationship that is entirely optional bring such annoyance and uncertainty?

I recently heard something that helped me sort this kind of thing out. Some people are in our room, but they are not in our corner. And we can tell the difference when we have some kind of change in circumstances - like move closer or further away, don't work together any more or share a social group, etc., or when we are going through something hard.

You have acted in good faith and let this friend know where things are for you. You have believed what your friend said she wanted, but her actions are showing you that she most likely wants is to keep your interactions to lunch on the days that suit her.

The question is... does that work for you? Does it work to keep a superficial relationship where you see her when/if you want to and know that she is most likely not going to follow through with anything more?

For me anyway, the rock in the shoe... I had to ask myself what is that? With my personal history, I have recognized I don't handle this kind of relationship well. I have a limited capacity to process and understand this push/pull.

The lack of sincerity and trustworthiness of a friend's words is very unhealthy for me and the lack of compassion and course correction like you faced when you shared the hurt and disappointment you are experiencing can activate feelings and beliefs about ourselves that are not true. At least that is a struggle for me.

Just some thoughts! Mostly, I want to say this is a bummer and a disappointment. I'm sorry!

[notrightinthehead]

Adria, this friend seems to show you what she wants of you. When I face conflicting messages between words and deeds I choose to believe what people actually do. I have several people in my life, I occasionally have a cup of coffee and a chat with. Then nothing for months. Usually when we part, we say, we should do this more often. But then, nothing happens if I don't initiate. So I have these people down in the not part of my life circle.
Now you were hoping for more from this friend. But she seems unable to give you what you expect. So how many more times are you willing to be disappointed? Do you have people in your life, you can spend time with? People who keep their promises?

[Catothecat]

The troubling thing about this situation, Adria, is that this friend led you to have those expectations.  You didn't fabricate them in your head.  And since that's the case, you have the right to hold her to those expectations.

But she probably isn't even really listening to what she's saying or paying attention to what she's doing.  It's just a rote recitation that has no real meaning for her.  She's just saying what sounds good, sounds like something a friend would say.  And if she was someone you just hung out with sometimes and nothing more, it wouldn't be an issue.  What has been your relationship with her like until this point?  Did something change with her or has she essentially always been this way?

For me, unless I agree to it, I don't accept half-measures from a relationship just because that's all I'm being offered. 

[Adria]

Bloomie,

For me anyway, the rock in the shoe... I had to ask myself what is that? With my personal history, I have recognized I don't handle this kind of relationship well. I have a limited capacity to process and understand this push/pull.

The lack of sincerity and trustworthiness of a friend's words is very unhealthy for me and the lack of compassion and course correction like you faced when you shared the hurt and disappointment you are experiencing can activate feelings and beliefs about ourselves that are not true. At least that is a struggle for me.

Rock in the shoe.  Yes, that's exactly what it feels like.  It is the push/pull thing that gets me. And, like you say with our personal history, it's very hard to handle.

Ooooh, the activation of feelings and beliefs about ourselves that are not true is something I find creeping in as well.  She is making me feel icky and dh and I are finally at a place of peace with each other after all these years, and it seems like she is throwing clinkers into our relationship as she is always topic of conversation.  We just don't need this upset in our lives anymore.  It's like she's taking up residence, but she's never there.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and wisdom.  I really appreciate it. It's very validating to my feelings as this has been very confusing lately. Hugs, Adria

[Adria]

Notrightinthehead,

Ya know, I wouldn't mind the occasional cup of coffee and then seeing her a couple months later if that's how it goes. No problem.  It's just that she kind of lured us back into town, albeit, dh wanted to move back into the office, so it is truly our decision, but she made it sound extra appealing with plans to do the kinds of things girlfriends do, haven't had that in awhile.  So, I was excited about that kind of stuff.

It's not just small things, she talked about, I was going to go back to work where dh and her are working in the office. She was talking about how great it would be to work together again. She knew I went out and spent money on a wardrobe for work and led me on about that. Then when I got here, she said she was talking with my boss and that she thought it would be better if I worked from home because it would be too much visibility for her and I to be there with the president, whatever that means.  It has been a couple of big things like that, not just about shopping or coffee.

I guess I was excited about our friendship blossoming because I don't have many people in my life as I have been a caregiver to my son for many years.  I'm thinking if I let her go, maybe it will open the door for more trustworthy people to come into my life. Thank you so much for your kinds words of wisdom. Hugs, Adria

[Adria]

Catothecat,

Years ago, she was my boss.  Not a very nice boss.  She would always go into my computer when I wasn't at work and mess around, or rearrange my filing system to the point I almost quit. And, after she would do those things, she would ask if I wanted to go to lunch, which I would politely decline.

Anyway, dh and I moved away for a few years and dh worked remote and so did I.  We decided we wanted to move back to the town and get back into the office.  Then she started working there again as well. But, in the meantime, when she was away from work she showed herself to be a good friend.  She would come down and visit me when dh was traveling and we would have the best time ever.  She even admitted she was a terrible boss, but a better friend. And we agreed and laughed about it.  I'm wondering if she was free and happy when she came down to visit me because she was away from her controlling husband. I don't know, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, she did lead me on with high expectations, not fabricated in my head.  I'm pretty easy going and can roll with about anything and make it work according to other people's schedules, but she keeps dropping the ball. And it is quite possible that she doesn't realize what she is doing, however, dh told me that nobody at work is happy that she is back there.  They call her a manipulative b----. Dh says, I think who she is at work is the real her. And, although I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt as a friend, I'm beginning to think that may be the case.

Starting to wonder if she is a narcissist and keeps trying to lure me back with her bread crumbing, which I read about yesterday, just to keep me on the line. She has mentioned in the past that if her husband ever passes, she would like to move into my house because she doesn't like to live alone. He is much older than her, and my husband has been ill. I would never let that happen. Not ever.  I think I'm going to start distancing myself.  I'd rather be alone than have these feelings I'm dealing with all the time.  I can put up with a lot, but the older I get, I don't want to waste my energy on this stuff anymore.

Thank you for your thoughts and kinds words. It helps sometimes to type it out and get the swirling out of my head. Looking back, I probably should have ran for the hills, but we did have some really great times together outside of work.

I don't understand why people just can't be real and nice.  So many game players. I keep hoping one of these days I will run into a nice friend who just wants a good friend. Hugs, Adria

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Adria,

This makes sense, what you've written here. She sounds like someone who has a good side, and you see that good side, and you've experienced a side of her that she CAN be - when she was visiting you and away from the stress where she lives. But that doesn't make a friendship does it?

I think you will benefit greatly from moving away from any sort of idea that she's going to become a kindred spirit and your close friend. And I say that, knowing the heartache of this sort of situation where you've gotten to know someone who has a good side, but she's got all this other behavior going on - and your flexible and 'roll with it' traits are not being reciprocated by her.

The type or level of friendship you are looking for for yourself, isn't something she can rise to right now. My gut tells me she has insecurities she's not dealing with - a lot of people who are manipulative, are unable to get a handle on how to manage that stuff better. No wonder other people at the workplace, are seeing her as manipulative. Yes she may have a good side but she's got all this other crap too.

I have no doubt that she has a good side. But a friendship takes way more than just someone who has a good side, and talks about all the ways they will eventually be this and that, but it never really seems to transpire. It is up to her to get a handle on herself, basically, and stop being so manipulative. But if she is a narcissistic personality then the odds of that changing are really really low. All her behaviors that you've seen - that is how she's coping with her life...and it didn't lead to much friendship for you two. Maybe she'll get her act together in the future, maybe she won't.

I see these as "pre-friends". People we think will become good friends to us "someday" or someday soon. We have to find a way to drop these pre-friendships down to "friendly coworker" status. Hopefully she is ok with that. People like her tend to find someone else to latch onto when we stop giving them as much attention and supply.

When women like her meet women like you and me, they have won the jackpot because we are flexible. And sadly, even if she isn't a full blown narcissist, your flexibility is what really works for her right now.

We have to ask ourselves - who wouldn't want a flexible kind friend like Adria? The problem is, Adria also needs a friend who is flexible and follows through with plans and who is good at friendship. Cause not everyone is!

And when our flexibility gets taken advantage of, instead of reciprocated it wears us down. They wear us down, and we end up feeling like you feel, where you now see how much energy it takes to keep being flexible and giving her one more chance to get it right. These are some of the most confusing people to contend with, when we have room for reciprocal friendship in our lives - and the universe sends us these people instead lol. 

But hopefully you can pull away, just be mindful of the workplace aspect. You may need to give her supply, because she works where you work. But you can offer "friendly coworker" energy. Honestly with people who say "let's go shopping this weekend" without meaning it, and you know it's not going to happen, you can just say a friendly "yeah maybe" and let them go on their merry way. You're no longer engaging with them as your future best friend. You're just friendly coworker Adria.

I think a lot of us here can attest to the reality that we're gonna have some narc coworkers to contend with in this day and age. Hopefully a "yellow rock" approach works for her and you can let her find someone else to latch onto for most if not all of her future lunches.

Don't feel bad for not seeing it sooner and "running for the hills" as you wrote. We've all been there. I know I have. Many many times.

Trees

[Catothecat]

Well there it is out of her own mouth!  She's keeping you close because she might need you in the future.  Definitely one of those situations where the truth comes out without thought, in keeping with her other behavior of reciting all the things the two of you should do which she probably forgets the second after she says them.  But she won't forget your potential usefulness.

I agree that what you saw at work is who she really is.  There's a difference between acting badly during a stressful situation, and acting badly as a routine.  She's learned to cover up her true nature probably through life experience, but all she's doing is a cover-up.  She probably doesn't see what she does as a problem (most narcs don't).

For about 10 years I worked with a narc who was nobody's boss but acting as if she was.  She wanted to be your friend while she was also telling you how to do your job, how to do it better, making critical comments in front of others etc. but then turn around and by your best pal, tell funny stories (she really did have a good sense of humor), make interesting talk etc. so for a long time it was hard not to like her. But the total effect was cumulative.  Her good points were outweighed by the trouble she caused, and I quickly learned that her true behavior extended beyond the work environment (after we both left that employer and remained "friends").  I let the relationship go because I decided it wasn't worth the emotional push-pull.  It's been several years now and I don't miss it.

[Adria]

Treesgrowslowly and Catothecat,

You both make so many great points.  All true.  I was up all night with a stomach ache wondering how to move forward.  When I got up this morning, I texted her about lunch today and said I couldn't make it because I have a plumber coming over around that time (which is true).  I then proceeded to say that dh and I are going to go back to taking our lunch hours together as we have a lot going on and that was always our best time to connect because after he gets home at night he's exhausted (because of his illness).  I then said, if you want to get together outside of that let me know. ( #1 to see if she disappears which she probably will, and #2 to soften the blow and to not make her angry if she's a narc).

She texted back seeming to be okay with it. Thank goodness! If she does want to get together in the future, I think I'm going to be busy.  My stomach ache that  I've had for weeks has dissipated and I feel very free today.

You sure don't realize how these people wreak such havoc on your life until you up to your neck in alligators.  They play their games and by the time you catch on, you're in such turmoil you wonder where it all went wrong. 

Thank you, everyone, for all your support in walking me through this without making me feel a fool, cuz that's kind of how I'm feeling right now.  You are all the best, my friends. When people and the world come crashing down, you are always there with your kind and thoughtful words of support and validation. Wouldn't it be nice if we could meet in person   Hugs, Adria

[bloomie]

My stomach ache that  I've had for weeks has dissipated and I feel very free today.

This is the best update! Well done, Adria! Protecting your peace is vital to good health! 

[Adria]

Thank you, bloomie.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Good for you, Adria! Clearly you've got this. What an example of when words say one thing and actions say another, believe the actions. Your body knows. Well done.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Adria,

So glad to hear your update and that the stomach ache went away!

When I have had those experiences, I would offer that eventually, I do get asked some version of "where did you go?", or they want to know why I am now busy when they wanted plans with me. I have learned that the least we say at that point, the better.

Whatever you say can be repeated to whomever she wants to complain to about you, if that is her style. So I have been very vague and just not offered any real info, and said without drama "I'm just busy these days, hope things are good with you!" and leave it at that. Life is easier with their drama that's for sure! 

Trees