Feeling sad

[Breadroll]

Older family member with serious health issues visited. I missed work and covered many expenses - there will be no thanks, or attempt to repay- as lack capacity to comprehend this.so much else going on besides, and just staying afloat.

I feel exhausted, resentful, and guilty all the same time. It is going to take weeks to recover.

[bloomie]

Breadroll - sending strength and peace to you as you reset and recovery. As our very wise hero member says, every contact is draining, so planning accordingly and making time to rest is wise.

[Breadroll]

Thanks Bloomie - it helps just to get it out

[treesgrowslowly]

Hey Breadroll,

I hear you. As Bloomie wrote - every contact is draining, I've learned the real value in that old maxim "one day at a time" when recovering from contact like that. For me, it really is about one day at a time for a few weeks following contact.

I've learned that during a recovery period, I have to investigate what will help me that day. Honestly some people are so exhausting to deal with, we just think "nap" - that is what I need today. i just need to sleep today! And that is ok. Maybe today is a rest day for you?

Another day in the next week or so, you might realize you're craving a really nice meal, or a walk outside, or to just enjoy a movie you've seen 40 times lol. Those are the ways that we reconnect with our needs, after giving to someone who didn't bring kindness, or show gratitude for our caregiving. They dismissed our needs, which is why we feel so sh#%ty after they leave right?

Those days after contact are about re-orienting ourselves back towards our needs. The PD relative, in general, is petty, self-absorbed, cranky, myopic, and lacking graces and gratitude for what we've given them. It takes a few days to recover from contact with that! They bring what Jerry Wise calls "system anxiety" back into our realm and then we need a few days to adjust after the contact is over.

Feeling resentful and guilty at the same time is hard. Whenever we have multiple heavy emotions like that, I tend to think it is grief work that our brain and body is trying it's best to process. With relatives, it is the realization that I'll never have the relationship I needed with that person. When I feel resentment and guilt mixed together, it is typically towards someone who lacks capacity, and also demands a lot from me. 

One thing that makes the recovery period a little easier is to take time to remind yourself of who you are. That you are able to work with life in a very different way than the relative you just spent time with.

Trees

[Breadroll]

Thank you Trees - really helps. One day at a time......