The effect of leaving on college-aged kids?

[SeaBreeze]

(*eta that should be *your spouse or *his other parent in that last sentence!)

[IsleOfSong]

Update: My son just told me: "I don't think Mom wants me to go to (the university he was excited to be admitted to). She made a comment about how the acceptance rate is pretty high there, not that I am thinking about that."

So do I confront her about it? Or just reassure him privately that her comment is her problem, and that it's his choice and his future and that he has my full support whatever he decides? Maybe do both? She will undoubtedly do her PD act if I confront her — double down, push back, then cry victim — so is it even worth doing?

[notrightinthehead]

IsleofSong, confronting a PD has never brought me any luck. I would take this opportunity to teach my son some of our tools. This is her OPINION. People are entitled to have an opinion. It's not the TRUTH. It can be false. It can be the opposite of our opinion. It can be right for them, and wrong for us. We can tolerate the opinions of others but we do not have to live by them or make choices according to them.
Good luck with your son!

[SonofThunder]

that it's his choice and his future and that he has my full support whatever he decides

Imo only that.

Mirroring NRITH, he's an adult and so should make his own adult choices, which you fully support.  He also as an adult, needs to continue to practice interacting with his adult, opinionated mother, so this should be 100% on him, and you just a friendly ear that he bent.

I enjoyed coming alongside my adult kids, always as their father, but also as an adult friend, and just being there to bounce their decisions off me, only if they desired, or just to listen. Both occurred, but they lead the interaction with me. 

I personally would make no negative opinion toward his mom, as she us fully entitled also to her own adult opinion. Your son may have opinionated PD professors to deal with, and then coworkers and leaders and so forth, so dealing with his negatively opinion'd mother is good practice. Hopefully (without you telling him), he's aware that his mother will say things that really have nothing to do with him, but rather are fueled by her opinion of herself. The comments seem to be simply her opinion and so as a fellow adult, he can consider her (and your) opinions in making his own decision or sweep them to the curb. 

Its when a PD plays dirty and threatens to withhold assets for a child's decision that differs from the PD's opinion, that becomes a very difficult power move, but I don't read that yet in your developing story. 

SoT

[square]

There would be hell to pay if it happened in front of me.. but there's no damn point confronting her.

I'd just be extta emphatic about reassuring son.

[SeaBreeze]

Agreed with NRitH, SoT, and Square. Keep encouraging son. Perhaps set a private boundary in place with spouse and use the Tools if she brings it up to you again.

[SonofThunder]

Adding to my thoughts:

Although my inclination through my own experience with my own PDstbx's opinions taught me to believe that self 'trophyism' drives a PD's motives in situations like these, I also used my wife's interjected opinions to do a bit more research, as a friend of my adult child, in order to come alongside them with truths, based on facts. 

In my own situation, I was a poor high school student and I had to seek universities that I could enter through particular curriculums. Those particular curriculums have much higher acceptance rates that drive the overall university acceptance rate much higher. Once in, if I performed well, I could switch degree paths after I took the same basic courses as the rest of the sheep.  But, there are a few focused curriculums at this same university that rank very high in the United States and their specific fields of study acceptance entry rate is very low. A earned degree in these fields of study from my university can land a graduate at many fine career places of their choosing.

I can only imagine (in IsleofSong's situation) that if my child had applied and was accepted to one of the prestigious fields of study at my particular university, that my child's PDm would (in similar trophyism), be telling all her acquaintances about it in pride.  In addition, my university has a respected athletic program, so if my child had been selected to the university on an athletic scholarship, then again, my PDw's trophyism would lead that opinion poll.

Also imo and ime, an acceptance rate is simply a statistic and has no real bearing on exit, but only on entry. I for one am grateful that my university accepted me and had a path of entry that allowed me a wide array of routes, once inside.  I know others who were valedictorians in high school and chose the same university for reasons specific to their own interests. Again imo, acceptance rates are just statistics that a PD uses for/against trophyism. 

IsleofSong, I wonder if there is a graduate from your child's chosen university, that your PDw highly respects (possibly envy's), but does not know they are a graduate from the school?  It only takes one quiet example of truth, found by your child, to reveal to themselves that opinions are just opinions and not a blanket statement.  Stats are also truth, but imo, they need to be put into the proper context of understanding of how they are gathered and also how insignificant they can be to the goals of the applicant in their decision-making.

SoT

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks to all of you for your insightful responses. I'm so grateful to have this community when the inevitable flare-ups in my home occur.

I just had a chat with my son and told him, without naming names, that opinions will be coming his way as he weighs his school options, but the decision on a university will be his and his alone. I even told him, "And even if I am pushing you too much in one direction, you can ignore me — or tell me to back off a bit." He seemed quietly grateful.

And SoT, your points are quite valid. As it happens, we know two families with children currently at that university, including one high-achieving kid whose mother fits the regrettable "tiger mom" stereotype. Additionally, a former coworker of my wife's now works at the university and has offered to give us a tour of it when the time comes. I think at the end of the day, my wife's projection and insecurity are greater than the "evidence" that these trusted people represent. And again, it's his decision. (Interestingly, the school in question is in Canada, and we live in the U.S. That could be a factor in her interference as well.)

I happen to work at a prestigious public university and have seen firsthand how higher education can change the lives of people from all sorts of backgrounds. Many of the kids who thrive at my university come to it as junior college transfers and/or are the first in their families to attend a four-year university. It's endlessly inspiring to me, even after nearly 20 years at my job. You make the most of whatever opportunities come your way, particularly in higher education. I'm sure my son will do the same — regardless of some largely meaningless admission rate stat. He got in — that's all that matters!

[SonofThunder]

IsleofSong, what a fantastic update!  So happy for you that your son responded to your very thoughtful words with such gratefulness.   

Your point about the university being away in Canada is well made regarding this experience.  My PDw liked to keep as short a distance as possible with our two children, as it brought her a sense of security and calm.  Not saying thats a PD thing, as I will never know the heart strings of being a mother, which imo is an incredible bond. My PDw would have surely pushed back hard on my children going farther away to college. 

Your writing of your experiences with your employment at a university is great to read.  My SiL did just what you described, transferring to a well respected university from a junior college, and he thrived doing so.  I tip my hat to you and again a huge congrats to your son!

My hope is that your wife will come to accept his own adult decision and figure out a way for herself to find some calm and also fringe benefits of his choices that she can focus upon.  Imo, kids growing up and leaving the home is a major change for any parent. It surely was for me and my kids went to college only hours away.

All the best,

SoT