The effect of leaving on college-aged kids?

[IsleOfSong]

Question for those of you who waited to leave your PD spouse until your kids were out of the house and/or off to university: Did the split have a significant effect on your adult kids' lives? Were there ill effects on their studies, if they were in college?

I am asking because I am less than a year away from our youngest child (our son, who turns 18 next summer) going off to university, and I'm weighing if it makes sense to just stay until he does so. I could limp along a little longer, I am sure, until he heads off to school.

I am fully aware that there is no "ideal" time to implement such a change in a family, but I am curious to get feedback from those of you who were in a similar boat or weighed similar factors before pulling the plug on your marriage. Thanks in advance.

[SonofThunder]

Isle of Song,

My kids were less than 28 years old when I departed so I cannot provide good feedback to your question regarding ages.  My adult kids have handled my ongoing divorce very well the entire time, making certain they don't choose sides and coming alongside both of us parents. They were not truly surprised about the separation either, as they well knew the high drama from their past, but there is ime, the shock of parents divorcing that exists when it becomes a reality. 

I relate it to a huge, slowly cracking rock-face of a cliff finally calving into a small lake. Everyone knew the wall was hanging on by a thread, but when it finally let go, the large disruptive wave it produced swept through the first floor of the lives of the family members who live around the lake.  After that mess, everyone's been in cleanup mode and eventually, that event will be a moment in our family history, and the lake left glassier than has ever been before. 

From a legal standpoint, I was able to avoid any issues related to having minor children, so that was a huge positive in such a trying time.  Wishing you the best in your decision-making.

SoT

[NBRiverGuy]

My parents waited until my sister and I were out of the house. I was 18 when my mom broke the news. It shook my world and my grades took a dive for about a year. Then, I dealt with it and moved on. My folks split for four years, got back together and have been happily married ever since.

I will say that one lasting effect that I have learned through therapy is that the separation most likely connected me with my BPDw. So, there's that.

[Poison Ivy]

I initiated the divorce the year our younger child graduated from college. Part of the reason I waited until then was that I didn't trust my then husband to provide accurate information on financial aid applications or to fill them out at all. Both children were eligible for quite a bit of need-based aid because of their father's long periods of unemployment, and I did not want to endanger their higher education by subjecting them to the further insult of a parent not cooperating with the financial-aid-application process.

When I did file for divorce and tell our children, neither was surprised; younger child was upset. I felt bad about that. I also feel bad about other ways I screwed up as a parent, however. It helps to remind myself that nobody is perfect and everyone who is a parent makes mistakes.

[SeaBreeze]

I left ex-uNPDh the first time when youngest of three was a toddler, but thanks to FOG and other issues, we reunited pretty quickly. By youngest's 7th birthday, I made a private vow I would leave for good when he turned 18. I began actively planning my exit when youngest started high school. I never voiced it out loud, but all 3 kids kinda instinctively knew.

Middle kid left first at 17 because she just could not stay in our house any longer; she expressed guilt over her choice a few times and often checked up on the rest of us. Eldest "failed to launch" til age 24; he finally admitted he was scared to leave me and youngest to fend for ourselves against H. I had to really impress upon him that it was okay to go.

So then youngest left for college at 17, during COVID, but boomeranged back one year later and stayed til age 20. So I stayed, too. When he officially moved out at age 20, he expressed worry about leaving me alone with H. After I asked him to NOT put his life on hold for me, he said "You know Mom, once I'm out, you don't have to stay here anymore, either." That's when I told him I'd been planning my exit for a loooong time. I left a few months later, and now youngest lives with me again.

Youngest did express some shock and guilt at how FAST the marriage seemed to end after he left. I do wish none of my kids, particularly my youngest, felt my burden. I've apologized to all 3 of them for the role I played in our dysfunctional home. I acknowledge that they suffered abuse and trauma, too, both directly from ex-H and indirectly by watching me take the abuse for them. They understand why I stayed. And, they understand why I left.

I hate to say "kids are resilient", because let me tell you, I was a "resilient kid" with a PD parent, too. But I do think parents like us, with kids like ours, are in a better and more informed position to heal, both together and individually, going forward.

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks, all, for the good input. I still cling to the idea that my kids will be relatively unaffected by a split, but in reality it's OK if they are at least somewhat shaken up (if not totally surprised) by something as big as their parents splitting. Some self-compassion, and reminding myself (as you all said in so many words) that we've done our best as parents in a very difficult situation, will be a key component when the time comes.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

As you stated there is no perfect time. 

The question really is - is the timing right for you?  Because if it is, then I think it also means the timing will be right for your kids.

My divorce was final right before my son started college.  Yes, it impacted him much more than I thought it would have. 

This is also important -  I think the toxic marriage of his parents was hurting him more!! So, of course the divorced impacted him, but all the verbal abuse, uncertainty, my depression was hurting him much more.  I became a pretty poor parent when I was in the fog and at the start of my coming Out of the FOG.  It was just a lot to handle.  I'm much more grounded and together now.


Good luck

[square]

I think the effects vary based on their temperment, on the level of toxicity, a million other things.

I just left a few weeks ago, and indeed I did wait for DD to go off the college. She had a panic attack and returned immediately, and took a year off and changed course for local community college.

DD seems to have mild autism, and she was/is quite affected by the change in my location, but I'm not sure she cares about the relationship between her parents (which, by the way, has been more amicable than it's been in years).

It's affected her, but I don't regret it. I personally could not afford to wait until college graduation due to my disability progressing in critical ways. Could I have left earlier? Maybe a year earlier.

It's too early to see what effects this will have, but I don't regret it.

[IsleOfSong]

Yeah, I should probably just be ready for anything when it comes to the kids' reactions. They certainly won't be surprised — they're not blind to the dysfunction of their parents' marriage. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best ... or something along those lines.

I don't know if I'm bargaining with myself on this, but if I wait until after DS goes off to college in August, I'll be free to move to a neighboring town, where rental prices are a bit more affordable and crime is less of an issue. (We currently live in a fairly big city, so it's expensive and urban.) Also, DS is about to start on an antidepressant, so maybe by then he'll be in a stronger place to withstand this kind of adjustment.

[square]

That's reasonable. Maybe plan on August, and if you have to speed up the timeline, you just cross that bridge when you come to it.

In the meantime:

Start gathering documents and just make sure they are all there and in good shape

Think about and possibly start implementing certain financial plans

Get an emergency plan in shape

Just take the time to start emotionally grappling with it

Also, this idea would be bad for some situations but good for others. Just throwing this out there. I had pretty much decided to wait for DD to go to college to leave. But she came right back and I wasn't sure what to do. About a month later, H had a meltdown, no worse than usual but I'd had enough, you know? I told him I was done, even though I had no place to go yet. At that point I contacted the housing authority. I inew there would be a wait list, though. So a few days later I caved and agreed to "keep trying" but I told him I was going to apply for housing anyway, and that I needed him to work on certain specific things.

Well, those things were worked on for about three days then it was all as usual. But the thing is, in my particular case, when I did leave, it did deflate a lot of the accusations that I went behind his back ("I told you last year I was doing this, and I put it in an email") and that I was being impulsive ("it was a year") and didn't give us a chance ("I asked for XYZ and you did X once and never again and Y and Z was totally ignored") and some other stuff.

I know a PD isn't fazed by mere facts, logic, or email documentation. But some do find their tactics weakened. Just a thought, if you think it could help you, you can be ready for the next really big meltdown or whatever.

[notrightinthehead]

Isle of Song, does your DS's depression have anything to do with the environment he grew up in? Maybe a change will do him good as well? Is he very close with his mother?
As you have decided on an exit point, it might be a good time to prepare for it. Get your financials in order. Get legal advice. Get important documents together an maybe store them in an safe place.

[IsleOfSong]

Isle of Song, does your DS's depression have anything to do with the environment he grew up in? Maybe a change will do him good as well? Is he very close with his mother?

Very likely. In fact, this just came up in my own therapy session just yesterday — my therapist introduced me to the concept of the "identified patient" child in family systems. A quick Google search reveals this definition:

In the context of child family systems, an "identified patient" refers to a family member, often a child, who is seen as the primary source of a family's problems or dysfunction, even if their behaviors may be a symptom of larger issues within the family dynamic, essentially acting as a scapegoat for the family's struggles; this term is commonly used in family therapy to highlight how a single individual might be carrying the weight of the family's issues rather than addressing the underlying systemic problems.

It's very possible that he's carrying the weight of our family's dysfunction, much of which I believe stems from my wife's mood swings, devaluation, invalidation, and so on — and much of which has been aimed at him over the course of his childhood. I feel so bad for him if that's the case, but had I left earlier he'd have been left for great periods of time without me there to intervene when my wife would go off on him for whatever minor transgression she felt he was doing. Anyway, very turbulent water under the bridge at this point. I will continue to be the solid parent he can rely on.

As for plans, I have been gathering financial documents for some time, scanning and saving them as needed, and I am signed up for a legal advice service through my work. I will definitely be as ready as can be when the time comes to jump ship and start a better life for myself.

[Poison Ivy]

I was the "identified patient" when I was a child. (I had a severe eating disorder.) My mom did not react well when the therapists said something about this during a family therapy session. In the almost 50 years since then, I've thought periodically about the willingness of family members (mostly my mom but also my siblings to some degree) to blame me for family problems and to accept no responsibility for the conditions that led to my illness. I don't bring it up with them, but it has guided much of my behavior and my outlook on interpersonal relationships over the years.

[IsleOfSong]

I'm really sorry to hear that, Poison Ivy. I hate the idea of my son subconsciously shouldering such a burden, and I can only imagine how painful it was for you, especially at such a young age.

My wife, not surprisingly, was resistant to the idea of DS going on Prozac. And of course, she is in total denial that the family dynamic may very well play a key role in his needing an antidepressant. DS's psychologist stopped short of labeling him (to us) as the "identified patient," but as soon as my own therapist said it to me, I knew that's what was happening with my boy.

Very frustrating, but I'm grateful that I can help him now and that we have the means to get the assistance he clearly needs.

[IsleOfSong]

Slight rant here — so our son got accepted into one of his top two university choices yesterday, and what should be a no-brainer celebration has turned into a situation in which my wife has mentioned to me (not to our son, thank God) more than once that the school's acceptance rate is just under 50%, and therefore in her mind, apparently, not much of an achievement at all, I guess. She also referenced the relatively high acceptance rate to his college coach on a phone call we had with the coach this morning, and I broke the "polite rule" by interjecting "Why does the acceptance rate matter?" to her while the coach was on the line. I'm sure she hated that, but whatever. Had to be done.

She just had to undermine his achievements and take the wind, if not out of his sails directly, out of my sails for being happy that our son achieved one of the goals he's worked so hard for. What a miserable, hollow person. Our son has been morose for months but was clearly elated when he got the great news yesterday — and this is how she responds? No wonder he's now on antidepressants — how much of her often corrosive attitude has he internalized over the years?

OK, rant over. 

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry your wife is reacting this way. I'd be upset, too, if I were in your position, IsleOfSong. As for the rest: Congratulations to your son!

[square]

The acceptance is great news and he has every right to be happy about it.

This is not advice but I know this is one of those situations where my usual diplomatic demeanor would go out the window and there would be hell to pay if my spouse said anything along those lines to my child.

And there would be zero prisoners taken.

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks, Poison Ivy and square. Thankfully it hasn't been said directly to our son, and I will not let it slide at all if it does. My guess is she won't say it to him.

[SonofThunder]

I'm sorry your wife is reacting this way. I'd be upset, too, if I were in your position, IsleOfSong. As for the rest: Congratulations to your son!

+1!

SoT

[SeaBreeze]

Congrats to your son! Boo to your spouse. My ex was angry when my oldest DS got accepted into college, angry (and jealous) when oldest then got his first well-paying job. Ex was a touch prouder when youngest DS got accepted into college, but still upset it was out of town and in a big city. Not due to empty nest emotions, but due to the show of independence on son's part. While ex never said this to youngest, ex told me that "no one I've talked to has heard of this school" yet it was a well known, respected university and not some fly by night for-profit racket. I never told either DS how their father was reacting. I recognized ex's anger, jealousy, and diminishing of accomplishments as his usual narc behavior, but it was surprising and upsetting to see it directed toward our sons instead of me. Be proud of, and for, your awesome son and let his parent spouse stew in her own yucky PD juices.