Can someone be semi bpd

Jlynne · December 06, 2024, 10:59:16 AM

I keep wondering if he truly has bpd or is he just that insecure and controlling. I am very defensive to almost everything that he says as I take it as a criticism but maybe I'm too sensitive. I'm really confused but his behavior and we have been together for 30yrs. I saw red flags from the beginning but I keep staying. I have options and family and support but I just can't figure out if I'm over reacting or if I am really with a person that has bad. Looking for insight.

NBRiverGuy · December 06, 2024, 11:20:13 AM

First of all, welcome to the board. Yes. Someone with BPD is considered "on the spectrum" which means that there are varying degrees. There are 9 criteria for BPD. For someone to be diagnosed, they must exhibit at least 5 on a regular basis. Those who exhibit only 5 will be lower on the BPD spectrum and those who exhibit all 9 will be on the higher end. Here are the nine criteria.

1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable or changing relationships
3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
6. Varied or random mood swings
7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Rebel13 · December 06, 2024, 11:29:53 AM

Hi Jlynne,

Welcome! I know you will find great information and support here.

In my opinion, a diagnosis doesn't really matter. The important question is, is the relationship acceptable to YOU? You get to decide whether you're comfortable with how someone is treating you (over 30 years!) and if not, you can choose to change how you relate to that person.

Keep reading and all the best to you.

NBRiverGuy · December 06, 2024, 11:41:24 AM

Quote from: Rebel13 on December 06, 2024, 11:29:53 AMHi Jlynne,

Welcome! I know you will find great information and support here.

In my opinion, a diagnosis doesn't really matter. The important question is, is the relationship acceptable to YOU? You get to decide whether you're comfortable with how someone is treating you (over 30 years!) and if not, you can choose to change how you relate to that person.

Keep reading and all the best to you.

Jlynne · December 06, 2024, 02:43:32 PM

Thank you! Yes, 30yrs of constantly being told I shouldn't want to do things with my friends without him as in his opinion that is not how a marriage is supposed to be and obviously I just dont want to be with him and he takes the backseat to everyone else. It can be as simple as visiting with my mom at lunch, he gives me the guilt trip and disapproving behavior.I still do it but spending 2hrs with girl friends catching up will end with him stonewalling me for several days. It's a never ending pattern and I'm to the point of moving on from this marriage. Now the guilt is setting in for thinking this way, I appreciate the previous in puts. I am currently reading Walking on eggshells which as been enlightening. If you have other recommendations please share.

NBRiverGuy · December 06, 2024, 03:09:54 PM

I am reading a book called "I Hate You...Don't Leave Me" which explained a lot about how the BPD's brain functions. There is also a whole chapter in that book about how to communicate with the borderline which has been helpful while I am still living with one.

I'm in the same spot as you as far as ready but afraid to move on. I've been with my wife for 24 years, married for 18. Only learned of PDs in the last year. Read up on trauma bonds if you haven't already. I am working with a therapist to try to overcome some of these feelings of guilt and it has been very helpful. She has helped me see some things in myself and in the relationship that I never would have been able to see on my own. Also, read through some of the posts on the forum, especially in the "Chosen Relationships" and "Separating and Divorce" sections. I'll bet that you will be surprised by the number of stories that sound familiar.

NBRiverGuy · December 06, 2024, 03:42:30 PM

Quote from: Jlynne on December 06, 2024, 02:43:32 PMhe takes the backseat to everyone else.

I get this one all the time. "You do things all the time for everyone else, but you never do anything for me." This is always the attack I get when I do a favor for someone, no matter how small. I helped my neighbor move a piece of furniture in his house a few weeks ago. It took less than 10 minutes. Last night, my wife asked me to get the xmas tree down from the attic. I was right in the middle of typing an email to my boss and I said, "Yeah. Just let me finish this up." She said, "Oh. I see. So the neighbor, who you barely know, asks you to do something and you go running. When your WIFE asks you to do something, it can wait." I looked up from my computer and before I could say anything, she said, "I'm just kidding." She was not kidding. She just corrected herself, but she has been quietly smoldering for weeks because I did something for someone besides her.

Jlynne · December 06, 2024, 04:12:16 PM

I feel so much better just knowing someone else understands me. Thank you!

MaxedOut · December 06, 2024, 05:06:20 PM

Welcome Jlynne, and sorry to hear some of the treatment you expereince. There are good descirptions in the resources here on Out of the FOG: https://outofthefog.website/overview/
Sometimes it's helpful to compare things. From you description, it's unclear to me if a personality disorder is in play but very well could be. Looking at a couple resources that have depth and distinction may help: "I Hate You...Don't Leave Me" and "Why Does He Do That" may help you understand if your husband is more along the lines of general controlling/abusive behaviors versus the particular congnitive/emotional/behavioral profile of someone with BPD/borderline traits (which can express as controlling and abusive behaviors).