Heath Care Proxy

[InvisibleDaughter]

After a few years of a very rocky relationship, my NPD Mom and I can at least talk. She still is very needy, but I make myself scarce because I bought a newer car and justify my overtime with a car payment and wanting to pay it off sooner. I know she'll never give me $ to pay it off, so it's a great plan.

Anyway she has me over the house the other day to tell me she put me back in charge of the will and the trust and that I get everything when she dies. At this point I've seen her in action for along time and know she changes her mind like the seasons, so I'm not counting on a dime. The conversation was awkward and like she always does, she ends up making me feel like all I want is her $$.

I've never not once asked her for money. She never bought me a car, never threw parties when I turned 16, 21, 30 or 40, never helped with college, never really offered to help in any financial way besides having me move back home, where I paid rent.

So now she lets me know that my Aunt is her healthcare proxy. The aunt that is just like her, and that doesn't speak to me. I mentioned that you could have 2 proxies, because my uncle had two. I could tell the minute I mentioned it she wasn't interested. I asked her to speak with my aunt and ask why she doesn't speak to me. My Mom is there at the family gatherings and she knows my aunt doesn't like me but she's playing stupid.

She calls to let me know about 2 times I was "really rude" to my aunt. One time she had shown up at my home, unannounced, ringing my doorbell to borrow a screwdriver. I was on my way out of my house to go to the gym. I told her if she bought a toy and batteries, she could stop at the dollar store and buy a screwdriver. I think my aunt is also NPD, but that's not my problem.

Fast forward to yesterday. My Mom lets me know she's going for an ultrasound, then today she lets me know she's going for another procedure. Both times I reply ok. You just got done telling you put someone who doesn't speak to me in charge of your health, so I decided I'm staying out of anything health related.


I need to separate myself from things because I'm tired of feeling less than or like I'm plan B when I'm an only child. I told her my aunt is your healthcare proxy so I'm staying out of health stuff. She replied I'm telling you what's going on, and I let her know I'm staying out of it LIKE YOU WANT. She honestly did me a favor, I feel less guilty about not caring. Years of insideous emotional abuse wear you down until you're a shell of a person.

Any advice? Anyone deal with the same issue?

[Rebel13]

Both times I reply ok. You just got done telling you put someone who doesn't speak to me in charge of your health, so I decided I'm staying out of anything health related.

Sounds like you have it sorted, to me. "OK, thanks for letting me know." If she asks you to do anything specific to help or support her, you can decide on a case-by-case basis.

I have a friend, L, who is struggling with a serious health problem. She chose as her power of attorney a different, long-term friend of hers, whom I didn't know. We were fine with that decision, but it turns out this other friend sets off ALL my alarm bells. For example, this friend/POA bulldozed into the situation after my partner and I had put some supports in place for L, and canceled the plans and arrangements we had made. So I'm doing the same thing as you. I send L little texts checking in on how she is doing and letting her know I care and am thinking about her. I will help with specific things if asked, especially if the POA friend is not around. But otherwise, I stay out of it. The POA thinks she knows everything and is very clear that she doesn't need anyone else's opinion or advice -- even though I had the same health problem as L, last year, and went through the same treatment. But I'm not bitter.    I just work on letting it go, over and over, every time something happens. I let it go.