I think I got some closure

[Adria]

Ya never know what a day is going to bring. Both of my parents passed away and I was never told of their passing by anyone in our family I was the scapegoat and was always blamed, misunderstood and wrongfully treated as most scapegoats are.  Thirty five years ago, my narc father stole my house, all of my equity, and tried to buy my kids away from me with millions (of which they didn't oblige to his wishes). I lost all my f.o.o. and extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters through smear campaigns and have been pretty much been alone most of my life because of these hateful and jealous people. 

Years ago, I told my dad to take me out of his will mainly so he couldn't hold his money over my head and threaten me with my inheritance, a sort of beat him to the punch type thing.  My father died two months ago. I was also obliterated out of the obituary by my sisters.  As many of you know, it's hard when you are ostracized to get any closure in these types of situations.  You always have that left in the dark, running blind with no place to land type feeling.  I knew I wasn't welcomed at the funerals and wasn't told until it was too late anyway, so never was able to attend. This is something you never imagine happening in your life, but it did.

Two days ago, I received a phone call from a brother-in-law I've never met.  He was very kind.  He started telling me things my mother told him she regretted on her death bed and it was that she wasn't a better mother to me and wished she didn't let my dad treat me so harshly, etc.  He also said that he was at the lawyers office with my dad and his lawyers drawing up the will.  While they were talking, dad said he wanted to leave some money for my ill son, but didn't trust son to handle it correctly, so told the lawyers to put it in my name for my son.  The lawyers sad then Adria can take that money and spend it for herself.  I was told my dad then said, "Adria would never do that. She will make sure it goes to her son." Whaaaaat?  My dad was telling the lawyers that the worst person in the world wouldn't steal the money from her son?  It told, even though he hated me that he knew who I was as a person and admitted it. Dh always said that your dad hates your guts, but he respects you. Maybe that was true. And there is something else. My father left some some money for me as well, "the exact amount of money that he stole from me all those years ago that he was in such denial about and tore the family apart over."  My brother-in-law, said, "Hmmm, that's interesting, we couldn't figure out how he came up with that number."

My BIL shared some quite interesting information regarding my parents, and I was also able to share some things back.  He didn't judge and was almost empathetic.  What I learned was true, that they lied terribly about me and gave half truths, but I think BIL believed what I told him.  I felt so vindicated, something I never thought possible, even though it was to a complete stranger.

I thought it very interesting that my father denied having ripped me off all the way to the grave and then left me the exact amount he stole in his will for me.  Anyway, the whole family was under the impression I just made that story up.  Now, they know different. I don't know his motives, whether it was to clear his conscience or if it was a nah nah I knew I did it all along. Who knows? 

Anyway, I feel in some ways that my name has been cleared.  Nobody else in the family will probably ever say it to me, but I'll take what I can get.  It sounds like BIL saw a lot of things he thought were nefarious going on in the family and felt relieved to talk to me about it and says he understands some things differently now. 

My head is still spinning, but it's probably as close to any kind of closure as I'm going to get. And, I'm okay with that. My sisters have to live with the way they have handled thing. That is on them.  It may be interesting because BIL said my sisters are both very ill and I know the doctor that can heal them.  I did tell BIL who that doctor is because I don't like the thought of anyone suffering. But, isn't it ironic that now they are in a place where they need my help and they know that I can help them.  We will see if they have the courage to call me or not after all these years and after what they have done.  It will be very hard on me if they do, but I will probably help them because I never wanted them to change who I am.  I don't know if that is the right thing to do or not. A couple of my friends told me not to, but then I would feel bad if I didn't.  Dh says I probably don't have to worry about it because he doesn't think they will call.  I have long forgiven them for their evil deeds and they hold now power over my mental well-being anymore.  It took years and years of working on myself to get where I am, and wouldn't you know, now this. Isn't that the way things go?

[Rebel13]

WOW. That's a lot! I imagine it will take a while to integrate all of this, including all the feelings that arise. I'm so glad the conversation with your brother-in-law brought you some peace and relief. Wishing you the best!

[Adria]

Thank you Rebel13. 

[bloomie]

Adria... I am gobsmacked at this turn of events! I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel processing all of this. Wow!!

The timing of this, and the person who delivered this news is interesting.

It seems that you didn't need your foo's righting the wrongs and repairing the injustice of it all to continue to grow, heal, and maintain a heart that is loving and forgiving!

This tacit of admittance from your father of his wrong doing and your mother's deathbed regrets for not championing you and protecting you have to be welcome to hear and yet, you have already established your worth and a life of integrity without them.  All respect in the world to you!

How sad that neither of your parents were ever healthy enough to say what needed to be said and own their mistreatment of you to you directly. So much loss you have waded through. I am very sorry for that!

As far as helping your sisters... my hope it is something simple that would be like pointing them in the right direction for health issues and not involve putting your hard won peace at risk.

Thank you for this update. If you are up to it, let us know how the rest of the journey unfolds.

[Adria]

Gosh Bloomie,

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Having someone acknowledge this means so much:

It seems that you didn't need your foo's righting the wrongs and repairing the injustice of it all to continue to grow, heal, and maintain a heart that is loving and forgiving!

This tacit of admittance from your father of his wrong doing and your mother's deathbed regrets for not championing you and protecting you have to be welcome to hear and yet, you have already established your worth and a life of integrity without them.  All respect in the world to you!

How sad that neither of your parents were ever healthy enough to say what needed to be said and own their mistreatment of you to you directly. So much loss you have waded through. I am very sorry for that!

Ya know, I was hoping that my youngest sister might call, but then after thinking about being omitted from the obituary, it makes me think nothing with them has changed. I do not wish to ever hear from middle sister. She is not a very nice person by any sense of the word. I think it goes back to just wanting family, but I know they have been removed from my life probably out of the good Lord protecting me. So, to wish any of them back, is probably a mistake. Yes, you are right! I've worked too hard to get where I am and would probably be foolish to sacrifice that for misguided hope that something might turn out to be good with them. I know this is more than a lot of people get and I'm happy with that.

People here have been on this journey with me for years along with their own similar stories. The people here are the most kind, beautiful and insightful people in the world. I don't know how I would have made it without you all.

If anything else unfolds, I will let everyone here know as you all have played a huge part in my life and helped get me to where I am today - which is in a pretty good place.  Hugs, Adria